Children’s upbringing - do you have regrets?

Missiseff the situation must be so hard for you. So sorry to hear of your pain. All I can say is time does sometimes change things....dont blame yourself too much.
I didnt do very well with our first son, I was 24 and am an only child myself with no idea about babies.We also lived far from any relatives or friends. He now has a hard time with his wife who has Altzheimers and I think I take the fallout as he says some very harsh things which hurt a lot ( when I think I am being helpful). Our second son , born when I was 34 had a much easier early life as I had learnt so much more. We were more mature as parents with security and more money. Unfortunately I havent seen him for two years as he lives in the USA. I know eldest sons life was made harder by the choices I made when he was growing up.

bearl I do feel for you - what a terrible experience to have had. I hope your adult life has been so much better.

I was too strict, too harsh, and would give anything for another chance to show how much I loved and appreciated my beautiful children but, that said, I have a loving relationship with them all and have striven to be a kinder, more relaxed grandparent.

I don’t think I was a good mum. My daughter has had severe depression since her university days but I think the signs were there even in primary school and I didn’t realise. I think I pushed one son in wrong direction which he eventually turned away from and has ended up in a poorly paid job. Other son was difficult from the start and I didn’t cope with the teenage years. Two of the three struggle financially while most of my friends children have good careers and plenty money. I’m afraid I blame myself for everything

I have many regrets, especially since my daughter had some significant difficulties in life, caused at least in part by our parenting skills - or lack of them. Sadly, she died recently and my feelings of guilt and regret are intensified.

We now realise we were far too strict and inflexible and we were also quite critical. Constant praise is probably not the right way to go either but I think it is preferable to making a person feel that everything they do is not quite up to the mark

Eloethan your post made me cry, I am so sorry for your loss. None of us can ever do more than our best at the time, and I certainly made a lot of mistakes with my daughter - we love each other but it still feels like walking on eggshells, and she is nearly 50 now, not a difficult teenager any more.
I hope with time you will be kinder to yourself, I'm sure all of us Gransnetters are sending you our love. I know I am.

Being too much the teacher at home like I was at school. My DH was very rarely there always at work but full of fun when he was,I was the cautious one with rules and regulations. They remember their fun with him not me keeping them safe.

I wish I’d been more pushy. I was a chilled mum who considered kids having fun was more important than endless after school activities. I now look and see those who were pushed have a more aggressive way of being and push themselves forward and get on more. They ‘know’ other people who can get them jobs. They ‘know’ routes others don’t. Makes me bitter which is an emotion I hate. The good people in this world don’t seem to get on. Massive generalisation of course and am sure I’ll be shot down in flames but I can only speak from my experience.

Knopflerfan Thank you so much.

I regret going back to work when my baby boy was 7 weeks old (not by choice). The trauma still affects me. I tell my children constantly how much I adore them and even write them letters on their birthdays saying it in more detail!

My huge regret over my children’s childhood is that I never left their father . I did in their adulthood as his behaviour become truly abusive and I could not stay any longer, I didn’t realise just how bad it was until I had left.

I have immense regrets I didn’t do it whilst they were children They are both affected by their childhood with their father although they say I was always loving and I have a close relationship with them now also see them a lot. I still feel guilty about it. There was also the complication of their brother dying in childhood so they had a lot to deal with.

I really lacked confidence, especially with the older ones as I was quite young and had a lot of loss. I feel like I have been particularly hard on one of my children too and we clash terribly but I am the person he always rings if he needs someone to rely on, so I do wonder if some of it is paranoia on my part. I am wasn't perfect, I tried my best with the set of circumstances I was given. I'm very proud of all of them. They are all so funny and visibly happy and happy with who they are, so I suppose we've achieved something so far...but yes, who hasn't muddled along?

Hindsight is a wonderful thing

Interesting talk on Ted Talks about parenting :

www.ted.com/talks/yuko_munakata_why_most_parenting_advice_is_wrong

I hope I did the best I could for my daughter. She is a loving and generous young woman now with an adoring husband and a son who is an absolute joy to be with. She often mentions the places we used to visit, the baking we did together, and the fun days we spent during school holidays.
Every parent thinks they could do more, but it’s how our children turn out that tells us if we have done well.

Ellie Anne

I don’t think I was a good mum. My daughter has had severe depression since her university days but I think the signs were there even in primary school and I didn’t realise. I think I pushed one son in wrong direction which he eventually turned away from and has ended up in a poorly paid job. Other son was difficult from the start and I didn’t cope with the teenage years. Two of the three struggle financially while most of my friends children have good careers and plenty money. I’m afraid I blame myself for everything

Don’t....we do the best we can. My dad used to say, we make decisions based on the ‘day’ and whatever is happening. You can’t look years down the line, and then act accordingly.
Our destination’s our destination. We can’t know how the route we take will pan out.

I'll have to ask my children! I had standards but wasn't hard on them, mostly fairly laid back as a parent if I remember.
I think in the past parents could either be too strict or sometimes didn't seem to care. But today the problem is helicopter parents, over-indulging them and over-praising them. They do not need to be highly praised for every picture they paint! If they do something really excellent you need some 'high praise' in reserve for that. I sometimes feel it has now gone a bit too far the other way.

crazyH
Me too!

I hope my mother regretted the way she brought my younger sister and myself up and the way she favoured the middle daughter. She was constantly sniping at us, and the youngest sister was an accident so she had a dreadful time, but amazingly she is the most robus of the 3 of us.

I wasn't a very maternal mother but I did my best, I suppose I could have been more demonstrative, but we weren't that kind of family.

My younger son has four children who I think over fusses them, and the other son hasn't any.

They both turned out okay so I must have done something right!

Benign neglect.

I do have lots of regrets regarding my role as a mother. I was too harsh, too strict, etc etc.Too late now. Just hope they will remember me with a bit of kindness ...

I too have regrets, it's part of parenthood. I think if I went back I would just make different mistakes.

My mum wasn’t tactile at all, never told us she loved us but we knew she’d walk over hot coals for us if needed. I understood this but my sister to this day blames her for her lack of being able toshow affection.
I remember reading that it is acceptable to blame your parents for any of your inadequacies up to the age of 25. After that you should have learnt by it.
My son blamed my husband for his lack of confidence because he never told him how well he did at school and Uni. He is a successful Lawyer now so can’t have affected him so much.
Parents do the best they can. Children don’t come with a handbook so we all cross out fingers and hope we are doing it right.

I remember my teenage daughter screaming "I hate you, you're a LOUSY mother!" and me screaming back "I never had any lessons in how to do this, I'm making it up as I go along!"
And isn't that the nub of it? Our only example is our own parenting, which may have been good or bad: we can't go to parenting lessons, we can only try to do what we think is right. I don't believe any parent who says they have no regrets - but we shouldn't regret trying to be the best parents we could. It's the hardest job in the world.

Several of you seem to judge your parenting skills by the academic success of your DC. Surely there is more to life than that!
I am reassured by my wonderful DGC. I cannot praise them highly enough and by association their parents - all their parents.
Someone must have got something right
They are without exception, kind, thoughtful and eager to help others.
I certainly have regrets especially with my first born. I expected far too much from him even as a small child. By the time of my youngest I was more relaxed.

I have regrets certainly. My older son was quite "difficult" and as I was quite an immature mother, I didn't handle him in the right way. I wish I had done a lot of things differently, but they have turned out pretty well and seem quite fond of me!