Children’s upbringing - do you have regrets?

If I could have a "do over" as a mum back when my daughter was a teenager and giving me a lot of terrible times even now I shudder thinking of how cruel she was, I would have not stopped my life to deal with them. I would have taken care of myself better. It was not just stressful on me it was stressful on her younger brother and we had no family nearby and their father had moved to another country and did not keep in touch with them or help financially so it was a difficult time. I worry that they remember only the bad times and not the happier ones. Another thing I would have done with the wisdom that I have now is be their parent and not a friend. I had them very young and that played a part. There is a trend now to have children later and I have 4 generations now but my children have remarked that they will not have that.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I think we all have things we would do differently if we had our time again. But no-one is a perfect parent and as long as you have done the best you can, you really can’t go around regretting the things you didn’t do perfectly.

I was divorced when daughter was 8 and I struggled with money. It was hard and she resented me until she actually had a child of her own. She realised then that I was very young and did the very best I could on what I had at the time. She also realised that it was hard enough with two parents so must have been a strain on one. Happy to say I married a lovely man after that, had a son and both my children are very close, in fact their two families spent the whole of lockdown together. My daughter and I have a special relationship and I think in part it was because we struggled together that we now are so close. So regrets can sometimes turn out to have a silver lining.

I have 2 sons and am ashamed to say that they were brought up very differently. At age 10 my eldest caused us a great many problems, the authorities for involved and we shipped him off to his nan, he's been there ever since and is now 32.
My younger son was raised like an only child and received a lot of attention, even Messi when my partner and I split when my son was 12. From then on it was just the two of us.
He thrived at school and went in to college and uni. On the day of his graduation he gave me his degree certificate and said "this is yours mum, I couldn't have done it without all the love and support you've given me".
I may have got things wrong with my first son (although he did on with his nan) but it appears that I definitely got it right the second time around.

Interesting this thread came up today as I was just thinking that if I could go back 40 years I would not have put my eldest son into school when he was only just four years old. There has since been research into summer babies being the youngest in their class and the adverse effects all through school. I wish we had kept him at home until he was five and better able to cope. He has just achieved a PhD, so he has done so well, and we are very proud of him.

Doesn’t everyone?

I raised my 3 sons on my own since I separated from their father when they were 2 and a half and 1 and expecting the youngest. They had almost everything children with 2 parents had it wasn't always new or the latest brandbut they never felt inferior to there fellow classmates. They had holidays at relatives and never went without. I worked hard at a primary school doing 30hrs while they were at juniors and went to college to improve my career prospects but I was there for them during holidays. When the youngest went to secondary school I got a full time job on more money(not a huge amount but better than before) I always felt guilty about how hard the boys had it but when I asked them recently ( they're now 42, 40 and 38) they all said they'd had a good childhood and I'd done a good job! I'm very proud of my boys they all have good jobs and are very thoughtful kind men! I have no regrets!?

Gosh I have a lot of regrets. Doesn’t everyone ? I wish I had been more patient. I wish I had removed my second son from his boarding school when he was so unhappy. , I wish I had listened and cherished them all more.
I didn’t receive one ounce of praise from my Father as he was a narcissist and a bully.
My children have all done so well materially and professionally, but I want them to be happy, much more than wealthy.

My failings have caused both my adult children to become estranged from me, so yes, I have regrets. Saying that, I refuse to believe I was quite so bad that I deserve this horrendously painful torture. Their dad was/is an alcoholic so life was bloody hard. There's lots they saw and lots they don't know about. Being on my own with them wasn't easy either, we got no financial or emotional support. I worked full time and took on two part time ones to keep a roof over their heads and food on the table. But obviously, to them, none of all that matters, because of the way I reacted to situations or things I wasn't happy with, they reckon I'm 'toxic'. They both went to University, got degrees, without any help from their father, and now have good jobs. They always used to come back to me, out of want, not duty. We were very close. I have to live with my son's words 'the word Mum is just a title' and 'I'm not obligated to you for anything you've done for me, I owe you nothing' (I've rescued him from the brink on more than one occasion). My daughter recently told me we have no relationship to save as we never had one in the first place. Her memories and photographic evidence are obviously different to mine. The pain of not seeing my grandson is indescribable. My son is getting married without me, when I've been there for all other milestones in his life. Every day that gets closer to it hurts more and more and I honestly don't know how I'll get through it. But there I go again, making myself a victim, something else they both accuse me of. So yes, I could have done things better with many regrets I am now trying to live with

Not my children but, just before she died (suddenly and quite unexpectedly) I told my mum how grateful I was for how much she’d done for me (she went out cleaning to pay for my school uniform). I’m always thankful that I did so. I was in quite a lonely marriage and I wish I hadn’t lived my life through my children so much. My daughter became everything I never was: beautiful artistic and highly intelligent and I think I bathed in her glory and probably put pressure on her. I think we probably excluded their father (he was often working away from home and we tended to function as a single parent family). And I’ve never been very tactile albeit showering them with love in other ways. But parenting is all about learning as we go along and by it’s very nature mistakes will be made.

Parenting can be difficult when Mum and Dad have different approaches. I copied the affectionate early parenting of my mother, whereas my late husband, from Yorkshire, copied the teasing approach he had experienced, which I tried to ameliorate. On the other hand, his scrupulous honesty was, I'm glad to say, passed on to both of them.

Isn’t being a mother all about guilt and regrets?! I wish I’d been more patient when mine were young, and I wished I hadn’t given them the very occasional slap on the legs. They say they were only slapped when they really deserved it, but they’ve never slapped their own children. I’m very proud of the kind and caring adults they are, so I must have done something right!

Oh, lots of regrets. I’m sure I was too strict, too snappy.
I never had what a call a mummy, a cuddly warm lovely mum. Don’t get me wrong my mom loved me. And was always there for me. But I don’t remember her telling me she loved me.
I wanted to be that mummy, but failed. I decided that if my children didn’t want to be kissed and cuddled I wouldn’t force them. Mistake. Because now they all find showing affection hard.
Maybe we all follow our mothers in bringing up our children.
I asked my Dh, if his mother had told him she loved him, and did she hug and kiss him. She didn’t.
Maybe it’s a generation thing.
I do have 2 of my ac still living with me and my lovely gs. So maybe I did something right.
But my other ac is estranged. This is my biggest regret.

Interesting...made me think. I can't remember being praised or told I was loved. My father lost is mother and father when he was 8 and 12. He was brought up in a tenement in the east end. My mother was also brought up in a tenement with a violent father. I told my children I loved them every day and praised them. I think I could have done better. Hindsite...

My husband was talking about this the other day and his feeling is that our children don’t think much of their childhood as we lived on a farm and everyone was expected to do their share. Having said that, I have three amazing adults who all have a strong work ethic, who all know they are valued and all know they are loved.

No point in regrets as I think parents just do the best they can and there is no perfect way of parenting.
I know I took on far too much as I was fostering so often ended up with 7 or 8 children. My one regret was not standing my ground with a long term placement. There was no bond with the child but OH did bond so we carried on and brought him up until 16 yrs. I know they should have gone to another family where they would have been loved more. But despite telling SS the truth about how I felt they insisted the child was happy and settled.

My daughter says she would love to be a child and have her childhood all over again! It makes me so happy. I separated from my children's father when they were 6 and 7 so most of the time they only had me and I beat myself up a lot about what (I felt) they were missing out on.

How lovely Rose
Well done you.

My sister and I were very different; I was academic, she has other talents. I think my parents didn't want to praise me too much in case it upset her, but in our teens it was clear (to her at least) that I was the favourite. They sent us to different senior schools, with the idea that teachers would not compare her to me, but she saw it as not being 'good enough'. It has given her anxiety problems in adult life.
When we had two daughters we tried very hard to treat them equally, despite them having very different personalities. They have both achieved great careers, have happy memories of their childhood and try to give their children the same experiences they had, so we must have done something right!
My sister and I have become much closer recently; my daughters have always had a good relationship with each other. My only regret is that I didn't take more photos of my second daughter as a baby as she complains that we took loads of her sister but not her, and the ones we took all had her older sister in!

Everyone has made mistakes along the way bringing up children, we learn as we go along, I don’t believe there is a perfect mother or father, it’s very smug to come out and say you have done everything perfect! I’m happy how ours have turned out and grown into very independent adults, we brought them up to give respect etc and they all know they are loved, we get on well

Lovely thing for your daughter to say Rose

my mother told me she hated me and she meant it i never had any show of affection or cuddles from her just blamed for everything she did wrong she even blamed me for my Dads death (heart attack) I was in hospital at the time.

Who is perfect? I am sure my daughter could say I did some things wrong but I did my best. My parents were not demonstrative or full of praise no matter how well I did so I was the opposite hugging supporting and at school complaining when my daughter was bullied. You cannot help but think of Harry who seems to have found the magic bullet for parenting. Just wait until his children grow up because they will not be happy with everything for sure. I never blamed my parents they lived in different times the don`t tell the children anything times. They did their best and thats all we can do

Parenting is sometimes very difficult, because children have such different personalities. My eldest daughter was headstrong and I had to be strict with her at times. Whilst the youngest was a sweet little thing and so easy to manage.I regret being hard on my eldest. as I now realize it was her personality that made her the way was. As an adult she is a very popular person with lots of friends. This is because she is such fun to be with. Her grandchildren have a ball when they see her.