Reasonable Behaviour from GC

Disciplining children seems to go round in cycles. Parents will often do and accept behaviour that is totally different from how they themselves were brought up!
Maybe you should have a quiet word with your daughter and say that it would be nice if the GC at least said hello when you walked in but beyond that, their house, their rules, you have to accept the children are allowed to behave like that while in their own home. If it was in your home, it would be a different matter!

How old are they?

If they are under 5 I would say No, YABU
If they're 18 I think, yes, they should know how to behave by then.

I used to think "As long as they behave in someone else's home, I'm happy".

I think you have to accept that what you perceive as bad behaviour is acceptable in their own home.
As long as they are well behaved in your house, that's what counts.
As others have said, children quickly learn to adapt their behaviour in different places. I'm sure they're well behaved at school, for instance, as there are expectations and boundaries in place which are evidently lacking at home.

I think you’ll find we’re all different, and have different views. I can relate a little to what you say about their behaviour at home being different. One of my grandsons was playing behind curtains, and brought the whole thing, pole included, down on him! Luckily no major damage.

I expect good behaviour. Any treats are run by the parents first. I certainly wouldn’t do what Scentia does. If there are toys everywhere, they end up playing with nothing and it’s just chaos.

BUT...we’re all different, and it’s your house, what you say goes, and if they’re well behaved with you, it’s because you’ve given them boundaries. Children do like that. They know where they are, and that they’re being cared for.

Children quickly learn how to adapt their behaviour to what they can get away with. It is how children get socialised and learn to get on with people.

They behave in their home the way their parents let them and in your home they have instincively picked up that your rules are different and they need to adapt to them, especially as you are someone they love very much and spend time with.

Although I can understand your bewilderment with their behaviour in their own home when you visit, I would just be relieved that they behave and conform to your house rules when they are at your house.

I would just concentrate on the fact that it’s the right way round!

Parent's house, parents rules.

Don't go to their house if it upsets you so much.

I would just enjoy your 2 days a week with them at your home, when you go to visit them, give them a kiss on the cheek let them watch tv and enjoy a cuppa with your dd.

I think you might have to just grit your teeth. Or maybe try to distract the children by playing with them at something else. Good luck.

So really it's the parents' apparent lack of disciplining the children that you don't like.

Berylsgranny

*Baggs*, when is it NOT save to allow them to do that? Pulling and tugging at curtain pole I would say is quite dangerous for them. Of course they are allowed to 'play' but with toys.

Thanks for the extra information, Beryl'sgranny. That was not in the one to which I responded. So my comment holds: playing behind curtains and non-dangerously messing them up is normal child behaviour.

At their age I don’t think you can expect ‘reasonable behaviour’ from them. They will adapt to their surroundings.

Some of what people consider reasonable have changed over the years too. I know it was just an example, but the first thing you mentioned was that the tv stays on when you visit. Are you arriving unexpectedly? If not, then perhaps it is reasonable to expect that it won’t be on, but if you are ‘dropping in’, maybe it is unreasonable to expect the family to stop what they are doing to accommodate you? These days, family life can be busy, with not a lot of ‘downtime’ after work, school and other activities. Letting the children flop in front of TV for a few minutes at the end of the day isn’t seen as the waste of time that it used to be.

As an adult I hate people ‘dropping in’, and resent being expected to conform to others’ ideas of how I ‘should’ spend my time. Could there be something to think about there?

I think that if you enjoy having the children at your house, and they behave as you like them to there, you should maybe relax a bit about what they do in their parents’ home.

Baggs, when is it NOT save to allow them to do that? Pulling and tugging at curtain pole I would say is quite dangerous for them. Of course they are allowed to 'play' but with toys.

The screaming and tantrums are another matter.

Playing behind curtains and messing them up! OMG! That's terrible!

Not.

It's actually normal child behaviour.

Sorry for lack of information. It's in their own home. In ours they are just charming and lovely. In their own home it's completely different. They are two different little people in their home and something we don't recognise in them. Their parents our DD and SIL are extremely the opposite to us in acceptance of rules and when visiting their behaviour is just awful. e.g. When arriving at theirs, we do not get a welcome if the tv is on and sometimes it is, they don't even hear us speaking to them and allowed to get away with it. Playing behind curtains and messing them up, screaming and tantrums being told they will go on naughty step but they don't. Not acknowledging our presence at all. We have them twice a week one during they day one, after school 5 and 2.5 and they are just such lovely children. I am finding it very difficult to understand/accept and makes it not nice to go and visit them and I absolutely hate myself for thinking this. DD was brought up to be such a lovely person always with manners, I just can't understand. Am I a bad gran?

Exactly what scentia said.

It depends what you deem as reasonable behaviour. My GC are allowed to do a lot more in my house than at home. At home they are not allowed to help themselves to fruit and snacks but in my house they are. They can play with a million toys at once in my lounge but at home, mummy and daddy expect them to put away the things they are no longer playing with. You see, reasonable behaviour is all relative!
This is a leading question, I feel there is more to come?

Of course they should. Your house...your rules.

Do you honestly think anyone is going to say no ?