The Argy back to basics.

Hello all Argy Bargers!! Sending this message by pigeon post.....well raven actually. Been stuck here in the Tower since our charrabang darn sarf. Got myself arrested didn't I, charged with Treason ....and me the owner of 3 coronation mugs . Something to do with torture by waffle iron. Anyway not too bad here, the food is good, I have my own room with a lovely river view and best of all the full attention of Bert the Beefeater......I love a man in uniform and sooo manly , must be all that beef .
I was so sorry tho to miss the party last night, I wondered what all that noise was???. Heard you had a great send off for grandmajet, off on an adventure with Cheerful Charlie I believe. I will miss her enormously but so glad I 'knew' her, if only for a short time. I so admired her quick wit, irrepressible humour, sensible advice (on other threads obv.....nothing sensible in the Argy!!) and stoicism. Hope she took Aga's poteen recipe with her.

Trust you to be locked up with a beefeater Happyme.
Sorry you missed last night. I think jet would have been pleased with all the singing. When do you get let out?

Dear Doodle, you seemed very welcoming to Happyme, though I realise you already know each other, so I have dared to contact you from my present abode. I am living here at Her Majesty’s pleasure though I’m not sure what pleasure she gets from the arrangement as she has never visited me and I have been here an awfully long time.
I often passed the Argy when out with a warder (we call them screws) on supervised day release but always in the daytime. I have recently been allowed an iPad which is a marvellous thing, I expect you have had one for years, and I have been able to read about the wonderful times you all have. What I wouldn’t give to have seen Sting with his golden bum! However best not to dwell on regrets ... I have just been granted unsupervised day release and can’t tell you how excited I am. Would you allow me to visit the Argy? I will completely understand if you think my current situation would lower the tone (though forgive me for saying I’m not sure that is possible). I’m afraid the little money I earn from sewing mailbags (oh, it is so hard on my poor fingers) would not stretch to a pint of your wonderful poteen (I slaver just thinking of it), however I could offer some light housework in exchange (please don’t make me do the lavs, I do it here and it’s just too horrid). Also, I know some people here who might be useful to you though I know you have sold your AB12 business. They are from both sides of the fence if you get my drift, some often mention someone who says JJM & the WD and Haitch for example. My posts on here are not monitored as I am now considered ‘a trusty’ (haha) but nevertheless I must be discreet or these privileges may be withdrawn. Please let me know soonest if we might come to an arrangement. It must be during the daytime only as I have to be back here (sober) by 6pm. I am happy to disclose to you, in strictest confidence, the reason for my current predicament. I look forward to your reply and am braced for the worst.

Ooh, go on - what did you do??

germanshepherdsmum, as you know, we have a common bond in that I am germanshepherdsgreatgrandma. I feel that under the circumstances that may be enough to allow you to visit the Argy on parole your days out.
Our toilets are of an exceptional standard so we don’t just let anyone clean them. We do however have a vacancy for scullery maid. We serve the highest quality cuisine here. Our pasties are delivered by muse and and we also serve a variety of locally sourced produce (depending on what gets thrown in the bins during the week)
If you would be happy to wash the dishes and do some scrubbing when required I’m sure we could arrange payment in kind (pint of poteen at the end of the day).
Now as ixion said…wot you bin in for? ?

Oooh happyme and germanshepherdsmum may I add my very warm welcome to you both
I’d love to see you in the Argy anytime you can and I’ll introduce you to some of our regulars …you’ll be sure to have a great time ?

Not the Admiral brook. Wait till they’ve settled before you introduce him. You know what he’s like with the ladies. ?

Not sure Doodle, what is the usual sentence for treason ?. I was arrested with that gorgeous David Essex lookalike aka Wally from the waltzer at Sarfend, he was done for getting ideas above his station and impersonating the Earl of Essex. Ooh he looked lovely in ermine!!!! Got sprung by his friends in high places.......think it was Helga from the helter skelter.

Hi to my fellow inmate Germanshepherdsmum, any chance that you know someone that could organise an escape party. Bert is very nice but am fed up with his ruff and can't get to grips with his codpiece. Missing the Llamas and AGA's poteen. Doodle surely the Argy isn't short of scrubbers???

Please keep an eye out for a strange bird carrying messages....no not Lemsip doing her mystic meg bit....it will be my pet raven, he'll do anything for a tasty morsel so be sure to give him one of muse's pasties.

Oh, thank you for such a warm welcome. It’s more than I dared hope for. Doodle I didn’t realise you also have the moniker Doodledog. We do indeed have a canine connection. I am allowed to keep my dog here and she is wonderful at keeping me safe from unwanted advances, this being a mixed establishment, though the advances aren’t always from the men I fear. I don’t think I should bring her to the Argy on my occasional visits or you might lose some customers, though I am lead to believe that disposal of bodies might not be a problem for you? And of course they might be a tasty addition to those pasties. Or she could help keep those llamas under control if you still have them though I can’t guarantee they won’t end up in the pasties.

Back to business, I would be delighted to be an Argy scrubber and dishwasher. As I said it can only be occasionally and during the daytime whilst I continue to please HM. A pint of poteen would be a most excellent reward for a day’s slavery but you’d better water it down if I’m to get back sober.

As to why I am here ... Well behind the downfall of every woman there lies a man. I am no exception. During a long and illustrious career in the law (I am known for my modesty) I was swept off my feet by a Russian oligarch. He wined and dined me at the finest establishments (this would have included the Argy had we known of it then). He took me on exotic holidays (by coincidence Sarfend featured amongst the top destinations we visited) and showered me with jewels. However it turned out he only wanted me for my client account to launder his dirty rubles. Fortunately my defence of insanity worked so here I am for an indefinite stay at one of HM’s finest secure boarding houses. I’m sure you will understand how easy it was to be blind to the swine’s ulterior motives. I assure you that I didn’t have my fingers in the till so the Argy’s takings are safe. I must be on the path to release now I am allowed privileges but must keep my outings to the Argy secret from the screws (why they’re called that I don’t know, you certainly wouldn’t want to) or my sanity may be called into question again.

Now I must be off to my lav cleaning. If help is needed doing a spring from the Tower I’m certain some of my friends here (the dog ensures they are friendly) could assist. I will ask around. Now must fly or I’ll be on extra mailbags. Have to be all present and correct with bleach and bog brush at 9.00 prompt.

Nice to see you back you old reprobates Happy and German ?

Am only just recovering from Friday night’s shindig ...jet we said we would do you proud and we did.

I would offer to help out here in the bar ( it’s a wreck! A sign of a good knees up) but matters at Lemongrove Manner have taken a worrying turn, Dodders has gone on a bender again and Lord L and our maid Flibbety are missing!? Am searching the grounds with the labradors.....

germanshepherdsmum I am the one and only original Doodle. Doodledog is an imposter. ?. Actually she’s a very nice poster and we have been on the same thread a few times but we are not the same person (not my alter ego) ?

Well you can certainly make yourself useful in the kitchen. Trust me our llamas are well able to look after themselves. Our girly llama Alarma is quite a drama Queen and now she is expecting even more so.
Look forward to seeing you on your next day out.

Happyme oh I knew that Wally would be your downfall. When he swept you up on his waltzer. Sounds as though gsdogsmum will be able to help. Perhaps we can organise something. Keeping an eye out for that Raven.

lemon it was a great evening for jet wasn’t it?
I thought old Dodders wouldn’t be sober for long. Hmm I see Lord Lemongrove is up to his old tricks again. Mind you that Flibbety is a flirty piece. I think she has ideas of taking over as lady of the manor.

I have been given the afternoon off (but confined to barracks) as it took me the entire morning to clean those lavs, curry having been a popular choice on last night’s menu. I’m exhausted and must put in for a new brush as that too has had it.

I’ve been thinking - you have to have something to take your mind off that job - you may be considering some marketing drawing attention to my joining your establishment. If so (my modesty is such that I wouldn’t dream of suggesting it), it may be wise simply to refer to me as having been an eminent City lawyer. If you use the word ‘solicitor’ all the American tourists will get the wrong idea, though I suppose if you still have May Hem hanging around she could oblige. My dear doggie has requested anonymity. She finds our current circumstances most demeaning to one with her pedigree. She hates all other dogs but is fine with horses. Do you think she might be told the llamas are ponies, to avoid any unpleasant encounters, especially with the expectant one? Though she is very intelligent and may see through that ruse. Caveat emptor.

Thank you for ending my confusion Doodle. I am easily confused what with my insanity and all that.

Now I must rest to get over this morning’s dreadful experience. I will ponder on the springing of Happyme. Happy, especially given what you’re banged up for, do you have easy access to traitors’ gate?

The Argy is well used to dogs ( old sea dogs) but we did have Jason the Alsatian here for many years until he went to a better place.....as Big Jim (our cellarman at that time) took him to live with him at the Rat and Drainpipe, and you know how posh that place is!

My goodness the R&D! Vlad took me there once. It was quite divine. Now I really must rest before dinner...hope it’s not curry again.

Is it me??
'Traitor' I could come to terms with.
'Insanity' kinda bothers me.

I think the llamas could pass as Shetland ponies at a push but I think it best your doggie keeps clear of them. They are not as……easy going as some llamas.
A lawyer could be useful if we get sued over anything. Yes, the less said about May Hem the better.
Just to clarify a few points gsdsmum you are sure it’s treason you are locked up for? You’re not under lock and key in some other institution are you? ?
Oh lemon I’d forgotten about Jason. He was around the same time as the ferrets wasn’t he?

Glad to see you Germanshephersmum and Happyme. You can have a pint of best poteen on the house. Don't tell doodle.

We are used to old lags prisoners here. We had May Hem who escaped from Strangeways (trust her to be in a male prison.) She did have strange ways.

No it’s Happy who’s in for treason. I was done for being duped into ruble laundering by Vladimir. I pleaded insanity to avoid a long sentence so am detained until HM considers me sane, have to keep the act up for a while or there might be a retrial and perjury charge. I’m really as sane as anyone else at the Argy ? but must keep up appearances for now . No, I’m not in the loony bin! I agree it might be best if my doggy keeps away from the llamas. She can provide additional security if you wish in exchange for food (fresh meat or Lily’s Kitchen only I fear, she is very spoilt) but there’s a fine line between security and scaring customers off. Jason may have been more friendly?

Strange ways indeed AGA4 but they made her very popular with the punters?

I think being 21 with a 38 - 24- 36 figure and long legs as well as her strange but generous ways helped too ixion.

So can anyone join in on here? I usually read this thread because it’s so lighthearted.

Great crowd in here tonight. Welcome to adaunas *

Hi Happyme. Read your note. Perhaps food parcels could be arranged for you and Germanshepherdsmum. I'll slip something sharp useful into each pasty. We've a bunch a lock picks back at the muse mess?.

adaunas you are very welcome. Lightheartedness is the key to this thread plus a good imagination ?
Please have a pint of poteen on the house (don’t tell AGA) AGA brews it in the cellar with Thor the barman and we have no idea what’s in it but after you’ve drunk it you won’t care anyway ?
gsdsmum phew that’s a relief. Bit worried about leaving you in the kitchen with the cutlery but now we know you are pretending, that’s ok.
muse yes quite busy. Any more of your pasties coming for the weekend, we may need more by then?
I wonder if lemon has found his Lordship yet?

Welcome aduanas to the Argy, please join in ? and enjoy AGAs finest poteen.
I can recommend muses pasties too although what goes in them I really don’t know
Those llamas need a stern talking to, especially Alarma who’s definitely been her usual drama llama self today. Stamping of hooves, kicking and sulking all because Gnasher went down the slide first. It took me ages to calm her down and I had to bribe her back into the paddock with her favourite chips again. Whilst I has hanging around the paddock though I did see a rustling in the bushes nearby - tried to alert lemon as I knew she was searching for Lord L and Flibbety but they scarpered as soon as they saw me just leaving behind a trail of midget gems and strawberry laces

Morning all before I go on loo duty again. Yes Doodle I’m fine around the cutlery. If muse can get Happyme a suitably filled pasty, could you then get to traitors’ gate Happy? If so I may be able to arrange transport.
Good luck with Alarma Doodle. Sounds a right princess.