Multigenerational home

OP, what was your SIL doing out on the scaffolding ?

Good grief. Even though the sil is an adult I'd have resorted to the my house my rules!!

Time to discuss with them that it's time to move on. If they both work and don't pay any rent you are being taken advantage of here, and the disrespect from the sil is jist not acceptable.

When a neighbour allowed their child on the roof (in a safety harness), their immediate neighbours alerted the police and we ended up with all 3 emergency services, so seriously did they take it. And the father was locked up overnight! I think good points have been made - compromises do have to be made if you are all to live together harmoniously but I don’t think you should compromise safety. It’s your home and your rules apply and this shouldn’t be a source of tension or stress. You don’t really mention your husband, other than to say that he thought you were overreacting. I would recommend nipping this in the bud and having a family discussion. Your daughter and SiL need to respect your home. If you love having them, tell them that - but reiterate that it’s your home and if they were visiting they surely wouldn’t have allowed their daughter to climb on your scaffolding? Or to undermine you if you provide (free) childcare. If they have their own home, they get to choose their own rules over such matters, but not in yours. It also sounds like a chat about longer term plans is in order. Would you be happy for them to stay forever? It’s not for me to judge, but they are adults and yet are reliant on parents. I don’t think this is healthy for your relationship or sets a good example to their children. I suspect most of us have had to make our own way in life - that’s part of being an adult. My husband and I had a debate whether we should charge our adult son rent when he returned from university. We don’t need the money, but we wanted to instil discipline around managing finances etc. In the end we compromised and agreed he wouldn’t pay us rent but must save for the future - keeping the responsibility with him. I suspect this incident has surfaced issues that you’ve been putting up with but have accumulated over time. And if what started out as a temporary arrangement has slowly morphed into a more permanent one, a frank and open conversation might be uncomfortable but much better for all concerned in the long term. You sound like a loving, caring grandmother but you deserve respect, especially in your own home.

Sounds like they have their feet firmly under the table at your place. I'd see they've been there long enough now -time for them to move on. Can I ask why the whole family is living with you and they're not paying anything at all? They could afford a second child, so why not a flat/house of their own?

You are the householder and have a duty of care to the children under your roof.

You have also a legal duty to ensure that those living under your roof obey the law, at any rate those who are under the age of majority.

Anyone, whether your partner, your daughter or her boyfriend who tells you you overracted is barking mad.
I gathered from your daughter's reaction that her boyfriend becomes unpleasant if she contradicts him - why else would a sane mother allow a child to do something so potentially dangerous.

Check quietly with the builder whether it is, or is not legal for others than the men working on the scaffolding to go onto it.

If, as many of us assume, it is not in order, I would in your place tell your daughter and her boyfriend when they are together, but the children are not present, that whether they like it or not, you were right, and that you have a duty of care to the children living in your house, which gives you the right to insist that they obey you when you tell them something is dangerous?

I would add that if your daughter and her partner are not prepared to follow your rules in your house, they are free to leave and that any incident of this magnitude in the futuret will result in your telling them to do so within six weeks.

Time for them to find a place of their own. They clearly don't respect you and their daughter is being brought up to disrespect you too.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Well said Chewbacca. I would have risked an argument but stood my ground. Your house, your rules whether their feet are firmly under the table or not.

Your house so ask the contractor to make sure access via the window other than to him/her self impossible

Sorry, but anyone that would allow a young child to walk on scaffolding above ground floor level has got rocks in his head!
How is she going to differentiate in future when the scaffolding is gone, that it is not ok to climb out of the bedroom window ? She'll be half way out with a "Daddy let me do it last time"!
Is his next step going to be to tell her that it's absolutely fine to walk down the middle of a motorway ??
I think that you need to speak to DD and explain that it is your house, your rules . If she is unhappy with that, they need to find a place of their own and forgo the cheap living expenses and free childcare. Her OH needs to respect your opinion . I would also see about getting safety locks on your windows too - that you keep the key to!

Sounds like the seat of power in your house has shifted....you have made this young family too comfortable! It might be just one incident that upsets you now but as you age and your resident family get settled and convinced this ultra comfortable and very generous living arrangement is their absolute right, you will be over ruled and marginalized far more frequently.

I agree with so many who have commented - act now and reclaim your own home whilst you can - they need to live independently and - if they are both working - can well afford to do so.

Cheeky of them to have a second child before finding their own accommodation. That BF needs to man up and he certainly shouldn’t be dictating as to what is and is not allowed in YOUR house!
Agree with other posters that maniacal to allow the four year old on the scaffolding and above a conservatory too!! You’re lucky Soc Services haven’t paid a visit ……… time for them to move on and out I’d say. Does the BF dictate any other aspects of your lives? Btw he shouldn’t have been on the scaffolding either. As to your partner thinking you’re overreacting, words fail me, of course you can override the BF when it comes to your home, your insurance policy, your public liability etc!

eazybee

Do you have window locks?
This child, having been encouraged by her parents to crawl out onto the scaffolding, will attempt to do it herself, when there are no adults around.
Lock the windows and confiscate all the keys. Do not release them until the scaffolding has been removed.

That is exactly what I was going to suggest. Why on earth would parents want to put their child in such danger? I would say it is time to re-think your living arrangements or draw up some ground rules which they must agree to if they want to continue taking advantage of your good nature because that is what they are doing.

Ok for one my kids would not be living in my house for free. My lads as soon has their started working there paid board money. They need to leave nothing in life is free. Also I’d be very concerned if they allowing the child to climb out window, you don’t mention if there are on drugs because I don’t think anyone in a normal frame of mind would do that.

No response from the OP.

Explain your rules for the house- if you say no-one you mean NO. Stop letting them walk all over you. Also, start charging rent, if they are adult enough to have 2 children they are old enough to realise they need to contribute towards their family's accommodation.

It is, as you indicate, not just about what happened, but what might have happened as well as what might happen if she does it again during the night now her parents have made it 'acceptable' for example. We were sitting in our front room when I noticed a small figure in a yellow sleep suit scuttling past our window at about 8pm at night. This was our son who'd managed to get out of his cot, down the stairs and out of the front door. Thank goodness the curtains were open or goodness knows what might have happened if we hadn't seen him!

There are three responses from the op

Regarding the boyfriend. There's no accounting for folk.

Maybe it's good that this has come to a head. It must have been simmering for some time if you are the only disciplinarian in the team.
If you don't make a stand now soon they will take over completely and be expecting you to find another place to live and you might want to

On the safety issue: Next door to us renovations are ongoing on a public building. When the scaffolding first went up, teenagers were climbing all over it like monkeys. I shouted to them and got cheek. When I told the contractors they barricaded the building and told me to call the police if I ever saw them up there again. These kids were aged 12 - 15. I cannot believe a 4 yr old would be up there.

Rent free to a family with kids. even if you want them to save etc, is not a good foundation. Something happens to the dynamics with the intergenerational thing and you as the "elder" are forced into a position of authority while they "the younger ones" regress and become like naughty teenagers.
I know, I have been there.

Do you have any other adult children? Or a reliable relative or friend? If you are going to ask your daughter and her family to find alternative accommodation, which I hope that you are, you may need some support.
Possibly speak to Age Concern too? Just in case your s-i-l turns nasty. Good luck!

I would have stood infront of the window and told them no way was a child going out there. I would have rang police if they had still done it on a 999 call.
Now it's happened I would give them a months notice to get out.
And take legal advice on evicting them. No way would a child over rule me in my home. Or live rent free. Stand up for yourself OP. They are taking advantage of you.

They must be irresponsible and completely lacking in imagination. If this is what they will allow, it is likely the child will not live to adulthood - and as for the gloating, I would have let her have it with both barrels and told her she was selfish and stupid. I would also tell your DD that it was time for her to move out - if they can't afford to rent privately then she must tell the local housing authority that she can no longer live with you, and get suitably subsidised premises. Enough is enough.

Thank you to everyone who has posted. I feel so reassured by your comments that I wasn’t the “baddie” in the whole dreadful experience. A lot of what you have said has made so much sense. My DD is trying to establish her own business from scratch and now I feel that I’ll give her a year to get it started then they will need to move on. My generosity will not be taken for granted indefinitely. By the way this has been my first post. I just needed to offload to someone. Thank you.

Not sure I’d give her a year more like six months!