A detective story (wih as many as we can manage)

When they went through, DCI Alan Banks was already kneeling by the body, accompanied of course by Annie Cabbot, who was still alive(as in the books, not the tv series)

No chance of getting Gene to help (perhaps a good thing). He had eyes only for Chris and Mary Beth, over here on an exchange visit to learn Compassionate Policing from our boys in blue.
'Hmm' he mutters, 'over dressed, over paid and over here'.
He only wishes he had a gun like that in his pocket

As the rain fell and the wind whipped his face, Rebus walked straight past DCI Alan Banks, with a more than a sideways glance at Chris and Mary-Beth.
‘Hurry up Siobhan, get this body logged and bagged ...’ he shouted ‘then sod the tea shop, it’s your round at the Oxford Bar’.

"Och noo. None of yer posh Edinburgh way round here mon. Ony one way to deal wi this." And Taggart gave the unsuspecting Alan a Glasgow kiss

Poor Alan, you’ll be needing a long sleep drawled Philip Marlowe but then he spied Vera sloping off to see her voice coach about improving her faux Geordie accent …Farewell my lovely ! he yelled which completely…..

Startled Dr Watson, who immediately fell over his own carpet bag which gave the detectives the first laugh of the day.

However they were laughing on the other side of their faces when the carpet sprang open and out rolled a severed arm. Just then Lewis returned from helping Vera with that tricky Geordie accent and immediately took charge if the situation. “Right everyone, …..

Carpet BAG

A car pulled up by the esplanade and two men emerged slowly, straightening their ties and shooting their cuffs...’what’s happening then?’ Said the curly haired one, ‘ We came to help!’ Added the bald one.’I know you ’ Gene Hunt pushed through to the front of the group and addressed the bald one,
‘Didn’t you used to be Jasper Carrot’ ?
A distant shout made them all look up ‘Who loves ya baby?!’ It was another bald man who appeared to be sucking on a lollipop....and waving a gun at them, whilst tucked under one arm was what looked like....

A small teddy bear. Who nicked Huggy Bear shouted Starsky as Hutch pulled the mirror closer to his beautiful face and caugtt he fight of a dark shadow behind the …

Caught sight of a dark shadow behind the …

Pier, a man with a JackRussell on a lead emerged into the sunlight, ‘Barnaby’ he smiled in a quizzical way, ‘do you need back up’? Holmes snorted, turned on his heel and walked away, ‘Come Watson, we will learn nothing more here’ and the two of them disappeared in the direction of the tearoom.
Frost lit his pipe and said ‘anyone fancy a fried breakfast?’
Montalbano nodded vigorously, then pointed at....

A man in a beige Trench coat, “let me introduce myself” the man said “my name is Corner , of the Yard ,” “Inspector Corner” Montelbano gasped, “did you see what happened” “sadly not “ said Corner “ my pipe went out and I was preoccupied, However I noticed a man in uniform standing under the pier , a shady character” ………

... who goes by the name of Dixon. He says he a copper from Dock Green area but I doubt it; he looks too shifty to be the fuzz and he keeps rocking backwards and forwards like a bloody rocking horse. Check him out" shouted Montalbano, as he.....

It was Inspector Fowler with Constable Goody. "We need to make an arrest tonight Goody or we will be the laughing stock of Gasford station. Get the .....

woman from Botswana here. I saw her down the road. She's At the International Convention of Friendly Ladies!"

But -
everyone stopped in their tracks, despite a mixed bag of good intentions.
For there, coming out from under the pier, like a ship in full sail, was what Montelbano, in his own foreign inimitable way, was calling a vision of loveliness appeared a large and well endowed lady in, er, the brightest of outfits.

Hello, she beamed, I'm Precious.

Blimey, gawped Gene, you can say that again, love.

Behind Precious staggered another woman, well-dressed in a suit and high heels and carrying a tumbler of whisky. "Don't worry," she said, "I'm Jane Tennison - no don't call me Ma'am, I'm not the bloody Queen - and I have a Prime Suspect. It's......"

The Third Man. He's been hanging round The 39 steps with ....

Big Ger Cafferty who's got him in a stranglehold"

Suddenly Jane and Precious stopped in their tracks. With an unearthly scream -"Eeaaaaaaaaa!!!" - a black shape exploded out of a nearby letterbox. "'Allo, je suis Cato, assistant to the Inspector Clouseau. I 'ave lost my boss and il est due for a good kicking. 'Ave you seen him?"

Meanwhile an admiring group was forming round Precious. Elbowing Gene aside, Maigret breathed "Ah, ma cherie..." and fondled his trusty pipe.

Jane, drunk but still capable, had mysteries to solve. "Send for Scooby Doo" she barked.

“Aye I’ve bloody seen the wee scrote….he’s in the Caledonian pacing about with his French accent and knocking my
Pint over” slurred Rebus.

A sleek black care drew up and stiletto heeled quite chunky pair of legs emerged. Asthma Raisin they shouted 'we don't need you. 'Ah but you do need who I'm currently dating' she said as Zen emerged from other a deal of the car the men and women breather a sigh of appreciation for the beauty of his sharply tailored Brioni suit.

Agatha started wheezing a bit, her asthma you know, but then Colombo bowled over by her looks stepped forward and pulled a huge hankie from his pocket and "Here Ma'am, have this. . . . .