Boarding Schools

Josianne

I think in this day and age there is far more emphasis on pastoral care and welfare at most boarding schools. Good Housemasters and Housemistresses, especially younger ones, really do devote their lives 24/7 to the children well beyond the classroom. I would hope that these members of staff would be able to spot an unhappy child or one who isn't coping well, and deal with it effectively or refer it on.

Yes. I was definitely a school mum to my girls in the boarding schools I've worked at. Happy to be. I've formed lovely bonds with some of the girls.

*love not live!

Two of our children went there as day pupils but are now very anti private education.
But they are not anti private education due to their experiences as boarders as in this thread.
I would live to explore the other reasons as you mention, but in a different discussion.

I didn't board but remember, as a teenager, feeling envious of a friend who did. I think if I had I might have done a bit more work! My husband taught in two public schools and we lived in the grounds of one for a while. It was an all boys school when we first went there and I thought it was horrible although some seemed to love it. I really felt that some of the children were middle class children in care! Many of the staff had themselves been boarders and some of them were rather cold creatures. It improved greatly over the years when they started to take in girls, got more female staff and more comfortable accommodation. Two of our children went there as day pupils but are now very anti private education. All of our grandchildren are in state schools. The school was in a very rural ( white) area and I think the only advantage of going there was that it was an opportunity to mix with children from other cultures as lots of overseas boarders .

I think in this day and age there is far more emphasis on pastoral care and welfare at most boarding schools. Good Housemasters and Housemistresses, especially younger ones, really do devote their lives 24/7 to the children well beyond the classroom. I would hope that these members of staff would be able to spot an unhappy child or one who isn't coping well, and deal with it effectively or refer it on.

curlywurly18 I read about a lot about this book when it was first published and got the feeling that it was a polemic against boarding school rather than an even handed balancing of the experience.

You cannot isolate the type of school a child goes to from everything else happening in their life, and many children go to boarding school because of problems at home and this is obviously going to play out in how they behave at school.

To say boarding school does not suit some children means you are saying that it is the child's fault for not conforming is a wilful misinterpretation of what I said. DS was a weekly boarder at private school because of concerns expressed by teachers and other health professionals as to how he would cope in a large comprehensive. It was felt he would be better in a smaller school. So we found a smaller school (not smaller classes), where he did very well. But it was not practical for him to be a day pupil. The advantage of the school was that each child was seen as an individual and there was far less pressure on him to conform to the norms that you get in big schools, whether boarding or day. So he was able to be himself and flourished because of this.

I was actually not very happy at the school I boarded at. I was the square peg that refused to try to fit into a round hole. But this was a problem I had had well before I went to boarding school, and would have been there whether I was at a boarding or day school. I was fortunate enough to find another girl like me and we became good friends (and are still). And the two of us obeyed the rules sufficiently not to get into too much trouble, but ignored them when we could. We were very good at it!

I think the boarding v day school is a lot more complicated than this book would suggest. There are far too many variables and just because someone blames some aspect of their life on a particular experience doesn't always mean they are right

How many GN threads have their been, when an OP talks about a problem in their life and its cause, only for it to become clear as the thread develops, that the problem and its cause is not as the OP sees it. There is one such thread running at the moment.

Maybe not always true but it makes me think my unhappiness may have not been in vain

Love0c

Monica With a list that long I think almost everyone, whether they went to boarding school or not could identify with at least one. It sounds to me the author of the book uncritically attributed every problem any one who had been to boarding school had to being a boarder.

As mentioned previously, Nick Duffell is NOT suggesting that these characteristics are exclusive to ex boarders or attributing all these characteristics to the boarding experience. It is just that it has been established that at least some of these characteristics are very commonly found in ex boarders who are able to comprehensively trace back the reasons for that to aspects of their boarding experiences. That is the case for me.

It is interesting to read your description of your experiences. A key difference that I would notice to my own and some other boarders I know would be spending holidays with grandparents/aunts/uncles rather than staying at the school or going to "Gaurdians"

Of course some children found boarding school an unhappy time. So do many children at Day schools. boarding school does not suit some children.

The point is that the nature of the boarding, the nature of the experience, the reasons for it, the involvement in the choice, the type of school, the nature of holiday, how often parents are seen etc impacts specifically on the experience of boarding.

The fact that other children don't like Day Schools is not really relevant as the same thing applies.

Unless I am misunderstanding, you appear to be resting the success or otherwise of the Boarding/Day School experience on the nature/personality of the child as in "boarding school does not suit some children." Certainly for SOME boarders looking back on their experiences that is a key part of their experience as in "if its not working it is YOUR fault; you are "not fitting in"; you don't know what is expected and you should" etc etc!!

Thankyou for detailing your own experience so well, it is interesting to read.

Many stories, some happy some sad. So pleased you are happy Curlywhirly. I like to think if a person knows what is is to be unhappy then they are more empathetic towards others who are unhappy. Maybe not always true but it makes me think my unhappiness may have not been in vain.

Curlywhirly With a list that long I think almost everyone, whether they went to boarding school or not could identify with at least one. It sounds to me the author of the book uncritically attributed every problem any one who had been to boarding school had to being a boarder.

I went to boarding school mainly with other forces and diplomatic children. But a number of boarders came from broken homes, and they were sent away because neither parent wanted the responsibility of being a single parent, so the child was packed away to boarding school. One in particular had a mother who had a very busy social life and saw her daughter a hindrance, until she got to 16 and having a pretty daughter at home became an asset. Several were motherless, mothers had died of illness or in the bombing. A lot of the problems boarders brought out of boarding school, they probably took in with them.

I went to boarding school at 8 on the advice of doctors, after I spent 2 months in Great Ormond Street with a chronic bowl problem. I have no idea why. I was there just over a year, then my father, who was in the army, was posted to Hong Kong and we went out as a family.

The second time I went to boarding school was at 11. I went to 8 primary schools and my parents were very education and career minded for their three daughters and could see that at secondary school level this could cause problems. If I hadn't gone to boarding school I would have gone to 5 secondary schools. Including coming home from the Far East, by boat, arriving in the Uk at Easter when I was due to do my Alevels (and my DS her O levels) in the summer.

Our parents discussed it with my DS and I and we made the decision to stay. We were flown home once a year and spent all the other holidays with our grandparents, except when we went and stayed with aunts and uncles, who had children our age. Every one else in our position spent holidays with family. I do not remember any staying at school in the holidays.

Of course some children found boarding school an unhappy time. So do many children at Day schools. boarding school does not suit some children.

Personally, I think boarding school made me self reliant and resilient. But when I look at the list curlywhirly posted, I do recognise some as them as being problems I contend with, but in every case the reasons for it have nothing to do with my boarding school, much more to do with my medical conditions.

I wonder why that arrangement was put in place.

Yes, it must have seemed very odd.

They did both go home together at the end of the day though.*

I big difference methinks!

I remember the Mum of one of my friends was a class teacher at our infant school (not ours) and my friend called her Mrs Mummy!

They did both go home together at the end of the day though.

curlywurly18

Josianne never heard of that before! What a strange arrangement

Quite often independent schools offer a discount in fees for children of teachers at the school, so I'm guessing the parents take advantage of this. Still weird though!

Josianne never heard of that before! What a strange arrangement

lostmyglasses sorry that you and your daughter have had to face this.

I'm not sure how 'character-building' it was for m

Blinko Yes "character building is an interesting one isnt it! I am sure boarding has an impact on one's character/personality traits etc but not necessarily in the positive way meant by the phrase "character building!".

Homesickness ...I have not yet met a boarder who didn't suffer from it ...I certainly did!

And she even called her mother Mrs. D in school!

My daughter had a friend at boarding school whose mother turned up in the morning to teach at the school and left at home time. How weird must that have been to only see your mother daily in an educational setting but not as a mother?

Therapy is tough but it really helps to understand who we are and that it’s just not our fault . Sending best wishes to you

Lucca

Callistemon

Kali2 and Josianne

I have to say that many state schools worked extremely hard to ensure that pupils had work set, kept to the curriculum and Zoom meetings with teachers etc throughout lockdown.
I know that my DGC and their teachers worked very hard throughout.

Exactly Callistemon. The (comprehensive) school where I taught were teaching full timetable via Zoom plus parent consultation evenings

And my DGD's lovely village primary school.

I sent my daughter at 11 to asussex school for very valid practical reasons and I have never been forgiven - she has issues resulting from feelings of abandonment although she was home most weekends
It was a very bad school in terms of pastoral care and the headmistress was a very subtle bully . I never knew all her problems there till she left .. it eats me up so much with guilt and has caused so many problems between us in the years that followed - I am going to counselling to help deal with it all! But that said some people flourish - this one was a bad place and it was not that long ago either .

Lucca

Callistemon

Kali2 and Josianne

I have to say that many state schools worked extremely hard to ensure that pupils had work set, kept to the curriculum and Zoom meetings with teachers etc throughout lockdown.
I know that my DGC and their teachers worked very hard throughout.

Exactly Callistemon. The (comprehensive) school where I taught were teaching full timetable via Zoom plus parent consultation evenings

The class teacher or Deputy Head rang regularly with updates for parents at both DGC's schools too.

The majority of teachers and parents care very much about the children and did their utmost to make sure their education continued.

As an army child, I went to a forces boarding school in Schleswig Holstein and also in Hamm, North ~Rhein Westphalia when I was twelve. Schleswig Holstein was a long way from home so my parents couldn't visit at half term. It was an ex naval base where u-boat crews were trained in the war. fantastic facilities including yachting, riding and orienteering. Being so far from home and family meant I didn't really enjoy it though. I was homesick for much of the time. I'm not sure how 'character-building' it was for me.