AIBU?

I don’t like ‘passed’ or ‘passed away’ and would never use them.

I think people are just squeamish or fearful of saying ‘died’, which I can understand, but to me it’s not so ‘dead’ sounding as ‘dead’. When I was a child that word always conjured up a body with its head newly chopped off! I must have seen a pic in a history book or something.

Particularly if you're on a crowded bus at the time, as happened to me a while back.
It was as much for the person's benefit as mine, as it was an innocent question from someone who had known my daughter as a child.

MayBeMaw

I don’t think this is a modern phenomenon at all. People have said “passed away” , “passed over” (Victorian) ) or even “gone to glory” for decades.
“Passed” on its own is more recent however - US influenced perhaps?
Does it matter to anybody but the bereaved though?
Respect for their feelings should be paramount.
(I think there are much worse things to obsess about. )

Although we can all say what we prefer (ourselves) we can’t speak for others, and yes if it helps to use a euphemism then so be it.

Saying what one prefers is not obsessing. And of course if one knows a bereaved person's preference, that could influence which words/phrases one uses in their presence.

But discussing preferred diction on any subject is fine.

I have always used died or dead. All the different euphemisms can be very confusing. Passed on, passed over…

Just like people whose grandchildren call them nanny are sometimes mistakenly taken for goats, I presume?

This very subject was raised in the film ‘This Happy Breed’ which must have been made about 75 years ago.

The spinster sister was talking about someone who had ‘passed away/ passed over’ and her brother in law pulled her up on it, said they had ‘died’, full stop.

So not just in recent times.

I use the word died, but have no problem with passed or passed on. It simply means the deceased person has passed on to the next life.

If you don't believe in a next life, that's up to you, but getting annoyed when people use that expression is petty I think.

MissAdventure

Just like people whose grandchildren call them nanny are sometimes mistakenly taken for goats, I presume?

Kids too, apparently ? ?

Easy enough mistake.
Chatting away, passing time with what one presumes is a grandmother, only to find it's Paddy Macginty's goat.

Exactly MissA

Thank you.

MissAdventure

If people don't understand what is meant by losing someone, or them passing away, then I feel sorry for them.
Mu mum died, my girl passed away.
Allow the bereaved to deal with it in their own way.

Exactly. 'Died' 'passed away' 'no longer with us' 'Gone to God' people can choose how they wish to describe the death of a loved one.
Anyone irritated by this needs to find a bit of compassion.

MissAdventure

I've read in here before that it makes people want to scream.
Try saying "my child is dead. End of", when someone doesn't know and asks how they are.
That will make you want to scream.

With you on that MissAdventure ?
I could say “He died” and I would never have opted for any euphemisms .
But I would not get worked up at what others say.
When Paw (DH) died I also found myself perfectly able to say calmly he had died but found myself trying to spare the other persons feelings when they got upset

Like many posters, I’d go with what the bereaved want to use. When my Dad died, we said we’d list him because that was how it felt.

MissAdventure I completely agree and understand .

I think people should say whatever they prefer. In my case I prefer died or lost, I wouldn’t use the other words. The only expression which I really don’t like is gained his/her angel wings but if someone wants to use that I would simply accept it. It’s their relative and they should be able to describe the death however they feel comfortable.

My mother always said 'My daughter died in a road accident'. I never heard either of my parents use a euphemism for death.

When I went to a school reunion and people who knew both of us asked after my sister I aways replied that she died X number of years ago in a road accident.

MissAdventure I do not think anyone has suggested you should describe the loss of a child in the phrase you suggest.

That's just as well, because I will say it how I want to.

I always say died or dead. The day my child died I informed people they were dead. No euphemisms. If someone asks how she is, I say they died. I don't have a problem if other people prefer something less direct, it's just what comes more naturally to me.

MissAdventure

Just like people whose grandchildren call them nanny are sometimes mistakenly taken for goats, I presume?

or the paid help, in a brown uniform.

i'm with you MissAdventure.
some people are on their high horse, not caring whom they may trample, while galloping triumphantly by.

Say whatever you are comfortable with. If people want to say ‘ passed away’ or ‘passed on’ or ‘passed over’ it doesn’t worry me and perhaps it helps them. Often people say ‘ gone to be with the Lord’ and I don’t have a problem with Christians saying that at all. Usually I say ‘ died’ but I think ‘ lost’is ok because we do feel a loss and I think that is quite sensitive.

This is a discussion, I do not think anyone is 'galloping triumphantly' over anyone.

You cannot suppress discussion just because you use language that other people find grating. That is a form of emotional blackmail. If the subject of the discussion is upsetting, and I fully understand that it may be for some, then the best thing to do is to not take part in it.

People use words that are appropriate for them . Whatever phrase is used the listener knows what is meant - so does it really matter!? I think the only exception may be when informing children of a death. Children will take the words literally, so passed over , gone for a very long sleep or gone to heaven is not direct enough. However for an adult to say " my son / daughter has died' may just be too harsh and impossible to say. Each to their own , people use the words that are easiest for them.
BlueBelle, I agree with you about " we are pregnant" it irritates me each time I hear it !

MissAdventure

Just like people whose grandchildren call them nanny are sometimes mistakenly taken for goats, I presume?

Mmmmm........As a child I was very confused when I read the AA Milne 'prayer at end of the day'. This mentions 'nanny's dressing gown hanging on the door'. Always puzzled as to why this g.mothers dressing gown was on the door of his bedroom. Of course, my East End (London) upbringing i the 1940's did not include anyone who had a 'Nanny' looking after them. (Not Nanna - Nanny ).

As for what I say, with regard to topic. Yes, 'dead' - my youngest son died when he was 25 years of age, tragic, dreadfully sad - but he 'died'. Did not pass to anywhere. My parents are both dead, my two best friends are both dead.

However, think most of use the term 'lost' when describing a miscarriage.