What have you finally made peace with?

Mollyplop

STELLA14 I sympathise as I am in a similar situation. I haven't seen my son for 8 years now. Most of the time I try to count my blessings for the family that I do have, but his birthday is always hard.

How long has it been @Mollypop?

Lovetobenanna

Love reading your thoughts about this and wondered, would any of you wise ladies be kind enough to give me your advice on how you have made peace with the things you have. I’m struggling, I guess, with acceptance of so many things. Thank you x

Learn mindfulness and to meditate daily. Read some if the Dhali Lama’s work.

The end of my favourite Shakespeare sonnet keeps coming back to me ‘But if the while I think on thee dear friend, All losses are restored and sorrows end.’ I will never be at peace with the idea that some of my dear friends from my youth are gone and I never had the chance to thank them and tell them how they lit up my life.

What a great post and I'm pleased to read the responses.

I often wish there was a switch to turn off things in the past coming back to haunt me.

I won't bore you all with my past problems but I have had a troubled life.

Things from the past still upset me such as wrongs done to me by people I loved, and also the way this effected me as a person. I suppose I wish I had done better. I certainly haven't been perfect either.

I now mostly love my life as it is and try really hard to appreciate everything I have including the good friends and family I now know I am worthy of.

What a lovely thread! I’ve come to peace with many things and “almost peace” with others.

I’ve decided the body I have has served me well even though it’s not the slim ideal. I’m not spending the last quarter of my life hating it any more.

I’m at peace with my own personality- accepting my quirks and odd habits as who I am regardless of the approval ( or lack thereof) of others.

I’m at peace with the fact some people in my life are not happy and it’s neither my job nor in my power to make them so.

biebz

Kandinsky....this sounds like my story. How did you set yourself free?

I could write an essay to be honest, but in a nutshell, I was exhausted spending half my time living in the past ( or reliving it ) whist coping with everyday life in the here & now.
I was almost becoming two people.
I decided enough was enough & that the past was exactly that - the past.
But it’s not been easy ( lots of counselling over the years ) but at the end of it all, I learned to forgive myself.
Take care x

my parents loving their three sons more than their only daughter
not being able to drive because i was shouted and hit by my dad when i didnt know how to reverse the car at 17 (my first lesson)i lost all cofidence in my ability to learn to drive
losing touch with my best friend at school
never having enough money
always being at the beck n call of everyone in my family

Katy1950 Sounds just like me I haven’t seen my son for 6 years
and neither has his sister. But I’ve now moved on because I can’t do anything else. He did not reply to letters or texts and in fact returned Christmas cards telling me not to send anything again. So I didn’t. That was the end. That and his mother in law telling me that my son hated me… now why would one mother say that to another, and we used to be so friendly. That actually put the tin lid on it.

I am so sad and also full of respect for the people who have faced such pain in their lives. I've had plenty of pain but nothing like the estrangement so many live with, or damaged and damaging parents. I think we are not taught how to manage pain in our lives - or we are taught ways which actually do not help, but seem like common sense. For instance, to try to turn away from painful feelings, or to tell and re-tell our painful stories. Actually it turns out that turning away may make it worse - as does dwelling on the painful story without finding the way to move on. We seem to need to allow the painful feelings to run their course - kind of digest themselves - which is not easy, and may need a good listener to support us. There are several books which might help - one is The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris. Its in paperback and not expensive. I hope some of the people who have posted will consider reading it - it could help. I do wish you well.

Stella14. I too have a daughter who treats me as yours does. I’ve asked why but she shuts that question down with ‘I don’t talk about personal feelings’ so no chance of any resolution or understanding. I adore her children so put up with her because of the joy I get from them. But they are just in early teens now so are off with their pals and interests so I’m seeing less and less of daughter . It is a relief as to make peace with that particular situation I need to avoid it. She will never treat me with anything but strained tolerance and I no longer want to be part of that situation.

I feel for you Glammammana I am the same ,, missing my wonderful husband after 51 years looking after him for just over 2 .. He died 2018 . He always looked after me like a princess ! After he died his sister insulted me ,, I have not spoken to her since ! I just wonder why people are so hurtful ?

I am in the process of making peace with my adult children’s relationship with their father- they enable some of his really unhealthy behaviors and choices - It has been a struggle for me

A friend contacted me 2 years ago after a falling out 16 years ago due to my friend always having to be right. Anyway I gave her the benefit of the doubt. Over Covid she rang me nearly every night with her troubles with her partner her mum how she still loved her ex husband she was drinking too much.
She visited me ( we now live 180 miles away as iv moved)
I visited her I had a nice time except every night I had to cook because she was too drunk then I had to put her to bed by 9.30 every night.
She has gone through breast cancer & told me her partners family were there for her as she fell apart.
I have a Stepmum who lives in her area who has pancreatic cancer & not much time to live so I was planning my trip to visit her. Her reply was you can’t stay at mine I said oh ok may I ask why. She said her partner said he couldn’t put up with the pair of us ( he wasn’t there the last I had stayed) I said but I’m not coming down to party it may be the very last time I she my Stepmum & I didn’t get drunk at yours once you were drunk every night I had to put you to bed & clear up all the mess you made ( she always spills food drinks crisps everywhere.
I asked her if she would like to see me when I’m down. She said yes but I don’t have any weekends free until after Christmas I said that ok I don’t mind seeing you in the week.
Then one day I was speaking to my best friend who asked me to pass on her apologies to said friend that she hadn’t replied to her text asking my best friend to let her know whenever she has a weekend free & theycould go out together or as a foursome!! Why would she lie?
I confided in her that I had found a lump in my breast & iv made appointment at Drs she said well don’t worry until you have something to worry about.
The day of my appointment she didn’t wish me good luck.
After my examination the Dr said “ this lump does feel worrying “. While waiting for mammogram & scan. I text her & another friend. My other friend replied straight away.
But this friend never replied so after a week I text asking if she’d received my text. She replied with just a yes.
I said why haven’t you been in touch. She replied with I have many friends that need my help which isn’t true as it was obvious when I visited her that she doesn’t have many friends . And she’s spent so much time hunting down old school friends & friends shed fallen out with years ago) so if that’s a problem maybe we shouldn’t be friends. I asked her how she could be so cold I told her it wasn’t good news. She replied I hope it works out well for you.
For all she knows I could have weeks to live!
I’m so hurt & shocked
Any help would be so appreciated x

I'll never have a relationship with my first born son and his three children. No regrets, I couldn't cope with the constant drama that surrounds him and his wife.

What your husband said made me smile. What a lovely memory for you. My husband also calls me his queen. Your memory touched me - savor it - happy memories are a treasure.

There are moments in life when we learn who our true friends are - those who will stick with us through even the worst times.
I often told my children, "We cross paths with people for a reason, but they're not always meant to stay in our lives."
Sometimes friendships are for a 'season'. We change, they change, circumstances change. Remember the good of that friend, and allow yourself more time with friends who value you for who you are - someone very special with lots to offer.

So well said on all your comments! My sentiments exactly.
At age 50 I accepted this is the body I was given - it is what it is.
I've learned to accept that I am who I am for a reason & I am the only one just like me - that makes me special!
With age comes wisdom.

TerriT

Stella14. I too have a daughter who treats me as yours does. I’ve asked why but she shuts that question down with ‘I don’t talk about personal feelings’ so no chance of any resolution or understanding. I adore her children so put up with her because of the joy I get from them. But they are just in early teens now so are off with their pals and interests so I’m seeing less and less of daughter . It is a relief as to make peace with that particular situation I need to avoid it. She will never treat me with anything but strained tolerance and I no longer want to be part of that situation.

Sorry to read its like that for you too. My difficult daughter has two young children. She lives 400 miles away from me. I last visited her when the eldest was 4 months old (I couldn’t go before as I was ill). I was there for a few days. I stayed in a hotel (at the time, they didn’t have space for me in their house). Even staying in a hotel, the visit was awful. I was snapped at and huffed about repeatedly. In fact the first thing she said to me was snappy. I was desperate to get away and was so glad to get in the train home. It was shortly after that that I tried to have a conversation about our relationship and eventually told her that I wasn’t going to accept being treated like that anymore. That was nearly 4-years-ago. When the little one was born, I suggested a fresh start where we both made more of an effort. She said ‘fine, you can come and stay for a visit if you want”. I said that we couldn’t really go straight from no real contact for 2-years to a full in visit after a couple of texts (it would have been horrible). I suggested that we try chatting on the phone sometimes first. She wasn’t up for that, so the visit didn’t happen. I am sad not to have contact with my grandchildren. If they lived locally a relationship with them would probably have worked because visits with my daughter present could be short. I could take the children out and babysit, but it couldn’t work at that distance. I am also sad to have lost my lovely girl, but she disappeared at age 13, so 26 years later, she isn’t coming back and it is what it is ?

I’ve stopped being a people pleaser and ended a toxic ‘friendship’ that dragged me down.

i wish i could make peace with two things in my life, my mother stayed with my stepdad even though he tried to abuse me, he would sit there drunk night after night saying he was going to take my virginity away from me, i was taken to live with relatives and stayed together, the other was my husband dying because of a mistake the hospital made and i never followed up with a complaint.

That I can’t put everything right for everyone, but I always tried.
My daughter will never like me.
I’m never going to be a size 12 again unless I’m ill.

It probably sounds odd, but I am trying to make peace with pain. Since breaking a vertebra some years ago I have had nasty pain on and off which has occasionally stopped me dead in my tracks.

I have an odd relationship with it that is approaching some measure of peace now. Perhaps that's nature's way of helping you cope.

Sounds cheesy but I’ve made peace with myself.
I made some stupid mistakes a few years ago and have been racked with guilt but only recently realised I can’t continue feeling bad about this but need to look forward and get on with life

I've made peace many years ago with not having any children at all and the disappointment and heartbreak. Thankfully my younger sister gave birth to quadruplets almost 12 years ago and I've invested my emotional motherly energies in them. I couldn't love them any less than my own offspring.

I feel so guilty how I treated my mum. I was the usual obnoxious teenager then married at 19 and had 3 children soon after. My life was a whirlwind, I’d gone back to work and was living a horrendous life with an alcoholic. I didn’t have the time for my mum. Part of me wanted to protect her from knowing the truth of my situation but I’m sure I appeared cold and distant. There must have been good times but all I can remember is how I must have hurt her. I will never shake that guilt. She died young with a brain tumour I was at her bedside constantly for the 3 weeks she was hospitalised and by then happily married to my wonderful second husband who was and still is a rock to me and DC. Unfortunately she was in a coma for those 3 weeks I just hope she could hear me telling her how much I loved her.