Adoption, finding children, new thread.

I am so very happy for those who find a peace within themselves when they meet their BM or BF ..... its lovely to know, truly.

Chewbacca your poor friend, i can understand 100% her crippling hurt, will you give her a hug from me please.

Esspee

Oh Millie22 please don't use the adjective "unwanted".
I have no experience of adoption but do know that for very many mothers who gave their babies for adoption it was a heartbreaking decision.

Yes..I was told my mother never really got over it. She hated her parents, and left as soon as she legally could, so 21 then. Both my grandparents died soon after, when I was about 4. My grandfather was apparently a bully, and wanted nothing to do with me. My grandmother was supposedly heartbroken.

My mother went on to have three more children, who all gre up with her. They didn’t know for sure about me until after my mum died, but had heard rumours.

I have two adopted grand children (full sister and brother), the twelfth and thirteenth in a large criminal family, all children removed from parents, our two at birth. The older child (nearly 16) is really struggling with who she is with an upbringing very different from the life she would have had and desperate to find herself. I think this really is a case where a better match would have been better but am hoping we can help DGD2 through this very difficult time.

I have an older sister I have never met. I don't even know if she is still alive. I found out by accident at 17 but even then I thought to myself I would not look for her. My mother is emotionally abusive. Who would want to expose her to that.

Chewbacca, I’m so really sorry for your friend. Give her a big hug from me x

I enjoy watching Long Lost Family and am touched to see how overwhelmed the adopted person is to see someone who resembles themselves

I was adopted, I traced my birth Mother, I spoke to her on the phone, came to nothing, there was too many differences.
I never contacted her again.

One of my grandsons is adopted. He’s still a child so we don’t know if he’ll want to find his birth mother. Birth father lives abroad so that’s probably unlikely. If he finds his birth mother I’m afraid he’ll be very disappointed. He was removed from her due to neglect. I really hope he doesn’t want to find her for that reason.

This is an interesting thread. I was adopted and meeting my bm was a disaster. She got in touch because she thought I could help her financially as she was living on benefits. Meeting her caused me a lot of trauma. Be very careful. I wish I had left well alone. Although I had a wonderful childhood the feeling of being rejected never goes.

I am another who can vouch for rejection issues that have been so difficult to live with, wish I’d never known I was adopted.

I'm sorry you feel as you do Hippie20 & Nannylovesshopping were you told from an early age about your adoptions or did you find out later ? This seems to make a big difference in how people cope with adoption.
I have never felt rejected, rather that I had a much better life with my adoptive parents than I would have had with my birth mother. I always knew I was adopted so it was no big thing for me.

sodapop my adoptive parents told me when I was four.
My birth parents married on my second birthday and went on to have three more children. I have never got over the rejection issues, just learnt to live with it, I have three children who I love completely and utterly, and they me, has so helped in making me almost whole.

Meant to add, my adoptive parents had no idea how to love and nurture a child.

One of my closest friends was traced about 30 years ago. It did not work out- he was absolutely furious to find she was very happily married.
He tried his best to break up the marriage.
He had refused to use an intermediary.
I think an intermediary is essential.

When i began the search ( needle on a haystack) for BM it certainly wasnt to replace my mum and dad, nor was it to find love that i had never received, no way, i had unconditional love and perfect mum and dad, i searched out of pure curiosity, searched for SOMEONE who i looked like, SOMEONE who could give me answers for the rejection i carried around with me, nooo i will rephrase that rejection that attached itself to me.

I conducted my search when my precious dad has passed away, my search lead me to find my BM and i wish i had never bothered, her words ( that i will NEVER forget ) were " Dont forget it is YOU who came looking for me, not the other way round " She said this as she remained sat in a corner of the room, no bounding over to me in elation that she was now face to face with the child she rejected, absolutely nothing whatsoever.

So yes, curiosity was so very strong like a magnet pulling, pulling and then when you had been forcibly pushed and pulled and driven to her presence, there to greet you is ...... rejection.