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Are engagements an end in themself nowadays?

(74 Posts)
Beswitched Wed 02-Feb-22 11:59:47

When my generation was getting married an engagement announcement meant you were ready to start planning your wedding. Some engagements lasted a year or two while couples saved up, but all had some kind of end date in mind.

My nephew got engaged just before Christmas and I asked his mum yesterday if they had a date in mind yet. Apparently they just want to enjoy being engaged and have no short term plans to get married.

My friend's daughter got engaged last week and according to my friend can't understand why people are asking when the wedding is, any date yet etc. Her attitude is that she's only just got engaged and isn't even thinking about getting married yet.

But surely that's the whole point of getting engaged?
Or is the engagement an end in itself nowadays?

Sue450 Thu 03-Feb-22 13:08:45

My dd lives with her partner she has no children didn’t want any. Her partner is divorced has two teenage sons. He sees them regularly.
Her previous partner she was with for 17 years. Personal circumstances made them drift apart.
She’s never been married or engaged and isn’t bothered and nor is her partner they are very happy together.
My two nieces on my husband side of the family have had children then engaged and then the big white wedding.
This is how things pan out now. My dh and I married in 1968 a white wedding and 3 years later our daughter was born and 22 months later my son. Different times.

Hithere Thu 03-Feb-22 13:11:34

Why are posters assuming the status of my relationship?

Rainwashed Thu 03-Feb-22 13:23:06

I think back in the day when living together was frowned upon, folk got married so they could live together. Now most do live together so it becomes more about the day, and some spend a fortune.

Joesoap Thu 03-Feb-22 13:33:33

Cant see the point of getting engaged if you arent planning to get married, has it become a sort of status symbol?

Kim19 Thu 03-Feb-22 13:41:16

I don't mind a bit what anyone does as long as they're happy. Mind you, this took time to filter through with my own children. I couldn't change my traditional thoughts and hopes for them overnight. Took time. Now I'm completely okay with it. Still can't understand why they don't want to marry if free to do so. I liked 'completing the deal' and there was certainly no pressure other than love. Isn't every day a learning day?! Long may that continue.

AreWeThereYet Thu 03-Feb-22 13:51:35

I value marriage and true commitment.

I also believe in equal partnership, not getting married for "protection", as if women cannot survive w/o it.

Absolutely agree with this.

Daisydaisydaisy Thu 03-Feb-22 14:38:12

Each to their own I feel smile

Audi10 Thu 03-Feb-22 14:57:56

Nowadays some get engaged as a form of commitment, A lot of emphasis on the ring, once ring bought the girls feel the men have made a commitment to them regardless whether they get married or even choose to at a later date,

luluaugust Thu 03-Feb-22 15:07:13

I got engaged and was married three months later, probably impossible today as booking everything seems to take so long.
Our children got engaged and were living together, with weddings following on later, I wonder what the GC will do.
"It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife" not now it isn't grin

Sapphire24 Thu 03-Feb-22 15:15:21

I agree that an engagement was with a view to setting the date for the wedding. However I was engaged 11 yrs before we got married. blush

Germanshepherdsmum Thu 03-Feb-22 16:02:11

luluaugust

I got engaged and was married three months later, probably impossible today as booking everything seems to take so long.
Our children got engaged and were living together, with weddings following on later, I wonder what the GC will do.
"It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife" not now it isn't grin

No, you need to substitute ‘fiancée’ for ‘wife’ now.

Serendipity22 Thu 03-Feb-22 16:51:14

Its a situation these days where its anything goes. Live together.
Have children.
Get engaged.
Don't get engaged.
Get married.
Don't get married.
Just a matter if choice. I must admit that my thinking on hearing so & so are getting engaged,*ooooo when is the wedding?*

Ive been in the presence of someone who recently got engaged, where no sooner was the ring thrust under my nose, than the words I'm not getting married to him though, no way. which lead me to halt my admiration of the engagement ring and looked puzzled, then ask WHY?

Thats when i thought, then why get engaged?? but i didnt say that out loud.

hmm

Coastpath Thu 03-Feb-22 16:55:13

Saggi

Wow Hithere….someone who thinks like me at last. Marriage is a ‘load of old moody’… my mums saying ..,now also mine!
Marriage is loaded in the side of men…. Cheap, or indeed ,free housekeeping for life …..your life ‘put on hold ‘ or completely disregarded until it’s too late. What a waste marriage is. Cynical ! Oh yes. !

How is marriage loaded in favour of men?

There's nothing in the marriage ceremony to say who does the housework or that that anyone has to put their life on hold. That's entirely down to how the couple work things out between themselves.

Hithere Thu 03-Feb-22 17:02:57

Another issue these days is that guests need to be given proper notice of the wedding date.

Being available in 3 months could be an issue for some guests due to previous commitments, not being able to request time off, etc.

Germanshepherdsmum Thu 03-Feb-22 17:36:40

I think weddings tend to be arranged much more than three months in advance these days unless it’s a very small ‘do’ because places are booked up so far in advance. We had over a year’s notice of our son’s wedding for instance, with ‘save the date’ cards being sent to all the guests.

Childofthe60s Thu 03-Feb-22 21:51:25

I had this very conversation with my youngest son recently. His older brother had only been dating a girl for eight months, but she'd been pushing to get engaged, just to show some level of commitment to everyone. Neither my youngest nor I could understand why so many people think the marriage proposal isn't necessary for an engagement.

It's the same with christenings. We've been to several, and I am godmother to two children, neither of whom have parents even slightly interested in religion. We attended one where at least two of the godparents were atheists.

It seems too often just to be an excuse for a party.

Hithere Thu 03-Feb-22 23:08:20

I know of cases in my social circle that weddings, baptisms, confirmations - milestones in life - were done due to family pressure

A friend of mine had to have a non religious/civil family naming ceremony instead of a baptism to shut her relatives up.

What would people say, this baby is going to hell if not baptised!
grandpa-grandma would be so disappointed not to see you get married, they are sick and old and they won't last much longer.....

happycatholicwife1 Fri 04-Feb-22 01:01:34

Sad, just sad. This is actually a result of the decline of morals in our society and a cause as well. I totally agree with the woman who said that, if she was good enough to live with, she was good enough to marry. I think it's a shabby way to go through life pretending a certain thing when you don't intend it. What I see a lot of is people talking about their fiancee, but there is no ring and no date. If you don't have something to commemorate being engaged and you don't have a date, you are not engaged and not entitled to that sign of respect. It is just another way to destabilize families and societies. There's lots of talk about a shortage of houses. Think how many houses there would be if people maturely evaluated marriage, went through with it if they wished to, and stayed together. That is usually, and by far, the best situation for any subsequent children. Another thing that just baffles me is how big, over the top engagements are in themselves. There are surprise trips and friends dropping out of the trees and such a kerfuffle. No wonder the marriages have to be so big because they are a natural next larger step. Also, what happened to intimate moments when people proposed? If you know when it's going to happen and people are there to mark that and there is no anticipation or surprise, it's just another elaborate attention getting affair. Then, naturally, people become disillusioned with regular daily life because it isn't a constant, ever increasing roller coaster ride of thrills. It's a romantic, idiotic, wasteful, counterproductive.

happycatholicwife1 Fri 04-Feb-22 01:03:59

Sorry, I meant to type unromantic.

Doodledog Fri 04-Feb-22 02:09:31

I think that relationships are very personal and should take the form that the partners involved prefer. It harms no-one if a couple are engaged or not, or marry within a year or a decade.

Mummer Fri 04-Feb-22 13:35:37

If a loo is engaged , you definitely cannot use it until it isn't! So I think this is the idea, without the cost /hypocrisy/nightmare of divorce if it all goes tots up! And the only downside is the mess of dividing finances/property in an disengagement scenario. Our laws need to get up to speed on 'common law' rights especially if children are in mix!

Ali08 Sat 05-Feb-22 04:01:43

I can be 100% committed to my partner without that bit of jewellery that says I 'belong to him'!!
There's nothing stopping anyone from having 'extra marital relationships', especially not that bit of jewellery!!
Yes, I am married. I wish I wasn't and wish I could afford a divorce and I know, even after being separated 13 years, that he'd argue the toss if/when I go for that divorce because he says he still loves me and would take me back at the drop of a hat!!
Pity for him I don't wear hats, so I'm not gonna drop any for him, ever!!

Witzend Sat 05-Feb-22 08:56:21

Hithere

Another issue these days is that guests need to be given proper notice of the wedding date.

Being available in 3 months could be an issue for some guests due to previous commitments, not being able to request time off, etc.

True. Dd1 sent out ‘save the date’ cards about a year in advance, at least partly because accommodation in the wedding-venue area does get very booked up, and virtually all guests would have needed to book accommodation.

Not that that apparently put anyone off coming.