A long time friend (we have known each other for over 60 years) has been financing her daughters divorce (4 years and counting as they can't agree terms!). She is now talking about selling her house in order to continue to pay the solicitor/barrister bills and has suggested moving in with me.
Whilst it is true I do have room I am a very private person and although I enjoy meeting up with people I also enjoy closing my door and having my "alone" time. I am in my late 70s and my friend is in her 80s and not in the best of health and I am worried I could end up becoming her carer - something I don't want to do.
As she is currently paying a large part of her daughter's mortgage I suggested if she does sell up (which I have advised her against) she could move in with her daughter but her daughter has vetoed that idea!
Today I have received a phone call from a mutual friend who has tried to convince me to take her in - I am holding out but am beginning to feel like I am being selfish and letting my friend down.
NOOOOOO with a big capital letter I wouldn’t even consider it. and neither would I feel guilty about it
DO NOT. let your third friend sway you in any way whatsoever, stick to your guns and tell the third friend maybe she’d like to give her a bed
No. Don't be pressured. What a cheek.
What a cheek.
Absolutely not. If her daughter can veto it so can you.
More than anything I don't think you would be doing her any favours. Life does sometimes become a mess, and it's not always anyone's fault but it is essential to sort it out as quickly as you can and, sadly, ruthlessly when it comes to your (in this case her) own wishes.
Good grief....where are you getting these ‘ friends’ from? Tell the third one to butt out, or move the other one in with her.
You can do without people like this ..
Just say no. Nothing more I can say really apart from feeling sorry that you are being put under pressure to agree to such a huge and life changing decision. X
PS say no……
PPS say no……….
You are not being selfish. Your friend’s daughter is.
It's another no from me!
Good grief, I struggle to have friends to stay for more than a night or two, and the thought of someone moving in fills me with absolute dread. It's easy for other people to say you should do things like this (my mum can't understand why I don't want a family member to decorate my house and stay here for weeks whilst he does it ?), but it's you who would have to deal with it, and having someone else in your space is a big deal.
Can you suggest that the mutual friend take her in? Whatever she comes up with as reasons why not could probably be turned back on her as why you don't want to do it.
NO
Suggest she approaches her local council housing/homeless department. They will house people over 55 in non means tested housing. However, they may well question why if her daughter has her money, why she isn’t getting it back and using it to house herself.
Absolutely do not take her in . Also stand up for yourself & tell you mutual friends if she is that concerned then she should take her in because you are not going to . It was your friends decision to help her daughter out & her daughter should now be stepping up to help her mother out as she has caused this . You might feel you will lose your friend by saying no to her moving in but she could move in & if you fall out with her when she’s living with you - what do you do then ? When no body else wants her , even her own daughter . I’m sure you know the right thing to do for you to have a happy retirement. Tell her
“I hear what your saying but I also have the right to consider my own needs and on this subject I need to continue living on my own. I will always be here as a friend to you but you can’t come & live with me “
I would suggest that she moves in with your mutual friend as she thinks it's such an excellent Idea. I think that you are quite right, the divorce has lingered as she's financing it. Even after all that her daughter refuses to give her a home!
She may need you to say NO very clearly so she can tell her daughter that there is n more money (I have to say, this is quite bizarre)
Are you / your mutual friend able to talk to the daughter, at the very least to explain that you will not be offering her mum accommodation? I wonder what your friend has told her daughter!
I’m not on Mumsnet, but apparently a popular phrase used in this type of situation on MN is;
“That doesn’t work for me”.
Say that to your friend, and the mutual friend also.
Hate to say it, but falling out with your friend would be preferable to having her come to live with you, if you don’t want her to.
No and No again. It was your friends desition to fund her daughter. If her daughter has any decency she will help her Mother find somewhere to live.
Also your other friend should not get involved it's none of her business, perhaps suggest she takes her in. Some people are food at being compassionate when others have to do it.
In the words of the song Just Say No.
Heavens above, no!
You really need some new friends, Wadesnan, these people are trying to leech off you. 
Good not food.
No not selfish at all. I find it really odd that anyone would invite themselves to live at your house.
You should stick to your guns
You are all right of course, the daughter is very selfish and has been indulged all her life - even when she was with her husband my friend used to bail them out by paying off their debts. Please be assured, I have said no and will continue to do so (if I find myself weakening I will re-read this thread!) Thanks again
I agree with what everyone has said. You are not being selfish and should say No for as long as it takes both your friends to understand that you mean it. Your friend is being very silly. If she’s not in the best of health it’s not beyond the bounds of possibility that she will at some point need care. Selling her home and giving the money away, in addition to paying all this money for the divorce, may well lead the local authority to consider that she has deliberately deprived herself of assets and seek to recover the money from her daughter to cover care costs. Tell her that. It may make her think twice.
Your friends daughter is taking her mother for a ride. Has she not looked into Legal Aid provision. I have never heard anything like this regarding paying divorce fees. Even if you are employed and own property your solicitor can negotiate payment back for fees. Unless things have dramatically changed since I divorced over twenty five years ago.
You need to be explicit about your feelings and do not feel guilty. You have to protect your property for yourself or any family you have. If you take your friend in it could create problems getting her to move out in future.
You do not need this kind of grief in your life it's not your problem your friend needs to seek help herself. CAB help the aged or local council there are agencies there to help. Don't be coercived by your other friend to do something you do not want.
Tell your friend a loud and positive absolutely no! She needs to get the message loud and clear.
I had neighbours who were still battling twenty years after they split up. Whenever she went away we would be asked to hide the cuckoo clock!
If anyone has access to your door keys then get the locks changed and then remove yourself for a few weeks without telling them where you are.
An acquaintance found her spoiled and entitled daughter on her doorstep with her three grandchildren, all supposed to live in her two bedroom apartment. Daughter took off with her new lover and left grandma with three distraught children.
Visitors are like fish. They go off after three days. So true!
Look at it this way:
Your friend A has got herself into a financial mess through trying to help her daughter pay for a divorce.
Now A is forced to sell her house.
A's daughter who has accepted her mother's help to pay for a divorce, plus to pay her own mortgage refuses to let A move into her house.
A is now desperately trying to get you to let her move into your house.
You have no desire to let her in and I can honestly see no reason why you could possibly be expected to do so.
At this point B a mutual friend of yours and A sticks her oar in. Why? If she is so concerned about A, let her offer A a home.
B has no right whatsoever to interfere and attempt to make you feel guilty.
There are three selfish people here: A, her daughter and B.
Please do stick to your decision not to house A. You do not need to state your reasons. Just tell A that it is not possible.
You might well find yourself being taxed on a supposed income from renting out part of your house if you did accede to this unreasonable request, or be denied a carer, should you one day need one, on the grounds that A could take care of you.
No is not a dirty word.
Just tell her No.
If it is the end of the friendship then it would say a lot about your friend. It is not your responsibility to house her because she has funded her selfish daughter to the point where she has re-mortgaged her house.
She needs to learn the word No too.
And it is none of your other friend's business.
Just what part of NO do they not understand?
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