Please tell me I am not being selfish!

Doodledog I'm glad I'm not the only person who feels that way about people staying,

Another one here who really doesn’t enjoy people staying, even family! I love my own space.

Another no from me

Like you said earlier if you feel you are under pressure just read through this thread for support

A million times NO! You will regret it.
You are not responsible for the mess your friend has got into.
Her selfish daughter is.
Like others have said, tell your 3rd friend if she's so worried then she can move in with her.
Think forward, if you did let your friend live with you, you would have her friends, daughter and family coming round to your house. As she's in her 80's possible ill health and mobility. You would have doctor, nurse, careers coming in to her. A host of problems that you could end up with and being at her beck and call 24 hours a day.
No, No No.

NO!!

You are a lovely person for even considering it but going down this road could destroy your friendship and ruin your life. Try visualising what the situation might look like in 1, 5 and 10 years' time. Once she's moved in, it seems unlikely she'll ever move out again. Are you prepared for that? You will be paying all the bills, presumably, so can you afford it? Are you happy to host all her friends & family, whenever they arrive? If you can, visualise the worst aspects of what might happen, then play that film in your head whenever someone tries to talk you into doing this.

She is a friend, not a relative and she has chosen to put herself in this position.

This actually sounds like elder abuse from the daughter. Taking large sums of money from her mother, pressuring her to sell her home, refusing to allow her to stay in the house she's paying part of the mortgage for, and basically trying to make her homeless.

Another who says Do not do it under any circumsatnces

In fact I think your friend and your mutul friend have got a cheek to even suggest it to you, especially as you did advise your friend on the dangers of funding her daughters divorce.

If this lady has a problem, she should expect her daughter to solve her accommodation problems as she is the cause of them.

Your friend is the one being selfish. She is also being an eejit. Say no. Keep saying no and if she pesters, block her.

Beswitched

This actually sounds like elder abuse from the daughter. Taking large sums of money from her mother, pressuring her to sell her home, refusing to allow her to stay in the house she's paying part of the mortgage for, and basically trying to make her homeless.

Yes, it is quite shocking

Ohhh heck ! You have been placed in an awkward situation. So through your friends decision to help her daughter out, which is entirely up to her to do that, YOU are being roped into the equation.

Have you and your friend had a serious talk over this very serious scenario? Or has your friend just presumed that moving in with you is enviable?

If the decision was solely your friends, then i would be well miffed off that she just expected to move in with you and i would be thinking that THIS is just the start !!!!!

Now is the time to discover the subtle art of what is popularly called "ghosting".

Stop andswering the phone and being available to discuss this.

Discover some (nonexistant) family members in another city that you have to visit. They may become ill and require a lot of attention from you.

Be constantly unsure of your plans from one week to the next.

No, I have learned over the years to never let anyone do to or ask you to do what you would not ask them.
They're playing you for a fool, daughter gets a new house that mum pays for you get an elderly Lodger.
Why don't they buy a house with a granny flat, mum probably needs looking after soon. This daughter is being extremely selfish to you both but especially you. She is using you to make herself look less selfish.
I am yet another who likes her own space even when family visits, they go off on their own and join us for meals we very rarely go out as a family group. We do when we are at their s as we do not know the area and they are keen to show us.

Definitley not and don't listen to your other friend. The friend considering selling up is not thinking straight. What a ridiculous thing to do. It's up to her daughter to sort it. Can't she get a quickie divorce? As for someone else trying to persuade you - it is none of their business. Stick to your guns WadesNan and don't feel guilty. They should feel guilty for asking you!

No no no , don't leave the daughter bully you as she is obviously bullying her mother. Even if she isn't doing directly she is probably putting the thought there , tell your other friend in no uncertain terms it is none of her businesses and if she is concerned she can take her in herself. Just because your property is large does not mean you have to take in everybody.

GSM Selling her home and giving the money away, in addition to paying all this money for the divorce, may well lead the local authority to consider that she has deliberately deprived herself of assets and seek to recover the money from her daughter to cover care costs. Tell her that. It may make her think twice.

I agree with GSM.

Also, this could be considered financial abuse under the Protection of Vulnerable Adults (POVA) if she is being coerced into paying for all this stuff for her daughter.

Sorry, didn't see Beswitched earlier comment

no stay strong could well be the end of a good friendship if she moved in! It is her choice if she wants to spend her money on her daughter's divorce and if she persists in selling the house then she needs to buy a smaller flat or house instead

The obvious solution is that the daughter sells her home, uses the money to finalise the divorce, and moves in with her mother.
You find two new friends.

I imagine, from what you say about how you feel, that the friendship would end pretty quickly if she were to move in. I know it would would if I was your position, anyway - like you, I am a private person and need my own space. It's bad enough sharing with my DH, and I absolutely hate having people staying even a night nowadays!

IMO it is far better to be absolutely honest with her now. If she falls out with you over it, better that it happens now than after she has got her feet under the table. If you tell her now, there might be no falling not anyway.

Is your friendsure the money is paying for a divorce? I helped my daughter to pay for her divorce it only took a few week s and not a huge amount of cash .In fact my daughter was remarried within 18 months

paddyann54

Is your friendsure the money is paying for a divorce? I helped my daughter to pay for her divorce it only took a few week s and not a huge amount of cash .In fact my daughter was remarried within 18 months

financing her daughters divorce (4 years and counting as they can't agree terms !)

It sounds very fishy, doesn't it.

No, it sounds like the daughter making unreasonable demands and continually arguing the case because her mother is financing the fight.

You read of these cases in the newspapers, and a judge recently took a couple to task for taking about 5 years and exhausting a very large sum of money on an endless divorce argument that has left them both virtually penniless.

When couples fall out, many end things as quickly and simply as possible, but some end up so dominated by their hate for each other and their determination to be the 'winner' in the case that they drag it on and on.

The daughter has been brought up a selfish spoilt brat and for the first time in her life, in her ex-husband she seems to have found someone who will not roll over and give in to her every demand. So she is prepared to fight him to the exhaustion of every penny she can lay her hands on, whether it is her money or not.

As for the friend. if she chooses to use her money to fund this endless divorce, it is up to her to deal with the side effects. Not look for friends to bale her out.

I think your friend needs to get serious advice here. Her daughter seems to have no scruples and your friend needs protecting from her.

Redhead56, legal aid is not available for divorce unless there's been domestic abuse.

I'm another one who hates visitors. This would be my idea of hell. Say no!