Asking someone how they are

I have said "pleased to hear it, but how are you" when someone has answered "I'm good" especially if they are family. What I have wanted to say, but haven't, is "how do I do what?"

Plus, a few years ago, I found a way to get rid of cold callers. A man called and asked how I was. So I said, which was true, I was not feeling too well. He immediately put the phone down. Well, he did ask.

It used to be the case that a couple of pub bores would tell you, in excruciating detail.
But nowadays there are many isolated and worried - not to mention genuinely unwell - people.
Is it too much trouble to give them a moment of your time?
At times when time is too short, maybe find a greeting that doesn't call for an answer.

My lovely dad always used to say "Mustn't grumble" with a grin, even when he clearly wasn't up to much.

That is so interesting about the greeting in China- thank you for sharing it

I think we probably all need to guard against a tendency to talk too long about ourselves and our doings when we meet others, - I know I have to be very careful to answer briefly and then ask the person I have just met, how he or she is.

I don't thing it is specifically an age related thing. To me it happens when a person doesn't often get the chance to talk to others, which can happen at any age, if you are unemployed for instance, or work somewhere where there is not really time for social chit-chat.

If you run into one of those who talk too long about themselves, or a problem that is bothering them, then all you can do is say politely, "Sorry to interupt, but I really must be on my way now. Nice seeing you." and go.

Thank you for all your interesting replies. I like the idea of saying good to see you instead of how are you. Whilst I am happy to listen to and give support to my family and close friends, I don't always want to hear the ins and outs of an acquittance's life and what is happening to their friends whom I do not know. There is as many of you say a fine balance because a lot of people are lonely and enjoy talking to other people even if they don't know them very well. Food for thought!

I have just had a training session with the Samaritans this morning and understand more than ever how much difference a listening ear makes. If you do not want people to offload do not ask. If you do ask be prepared to listen and to focus on the person talking. It could make all the difference to them and their life. If you are feeling drained afterwards talk to friend about your experience in other words get support with your feelings yourself or do something nice for the rest of the day. The day may well come when you will be desperately glad of someone listening to you offload.

I often say “lm ok , it’s everyone else” which usually makes people laugh.

I once raised a giggle in the dentists when my response to being asked how I was (being terrified of the dentist) was "none the better for being here thank you".
Rude I know, but I was flustered and they took it in good heart!

I have been thinking this for a while now. It seems most of my 'friends' seem to think I'm only interested in their lives. They are always offloading and make/steering the conversation topics in order to tell me how things are in their world. Please don't get me wrong, I am a good listener and understand some people are more open than others, but just recently I've begun to feel invisible. People aren't interested in what I have to say and seem oblivious their ' carping on' can be so draining and dispiriting. I'm not invisible I just feel like I am

On a morning dog walk a few years ago a youngish woman asked me, a sad- looking old woman , "Are you all right? " I said "No. I am depressed about the result of the Referendum". She was intrigued enough to accompany me and explain what a good thing Brexit was.

I think I saw something on either FB or YT the other day that says "It's fine to be not fine" or words to that effect. Basically, they were saying that when people say "Hi, how are you?" most of us say "I'm fine" even if we feel the whole world is collapsing in on us. They were saying that if you're asked that question and you're having a really bad time, you should feel it's OK to say so. I always say "I'm fine" because 1) I don't want to put my woes onto other people, and 2) if I say the truth people will either offer up all sorts of 'advice' you don't want; say "Don't worry, things will get better (or worse still "you've got to think positive"); or they'll duck down behind the nearet privet hedge next time they see you. Unless you have really compassionate friends, best go with the short answer.

Three times a week, for 28 years, I would phone Molly, my partners mother and ask ‘How are you?’. The standard reply was ‘If only you knew’ and proceed to tell me. It still makes me smile when I think of her - she was a lovely lady

Well Judy. How are you?
Sometimes we take responsibility for others angst when actually there is nothing we can do to solve it. In which case we can learn to say 'I don't have a solution for your problem but I'm really glad you felt you could share it and how you feel with me' Then move on with your thoughts guilt free.
I have been in that situation and almost certainly at times from both sides. Agree it can be wearing if all people do is moan about their lives and are not prepared to do anything to change it. But the flip side is when I have needed to moan it was good to have someone validate or challenge my feelings.

What win and effalump said really resonated with me. In our church, we run a wellbeing session which has the tagline "A quiet space where it's ok not to be ok". It's not counselling - just crafts, a cuppa, a chat and an optional prayer/ meditation slot. It is important just now to be ready to listen if someone's not ok and wants to chat. If we know someone, however, who just enjoys moaning and always monopolises conversations, we might want to use a different greeting ( although they also deserve to be supported, of course, if they are struggling!).

It's kind to spend a bit of time listening to someone's woes, I think. (Even if you don't really want to)
It can make so much difference to someone's day.

Win, I think you're incredible having samaritans training. The volunteers have been incredible listening to me at times, they have really helped me so much.

I have one neighbour where I just need to make eye contact and smile and she offloads everything about her family, grandchildren, people she doesn't like and every other moan. I know it is dreadful to say this but she has tested positive for Covid this week and we are all getting a rest.

To be honest, I know so many people who have had or are having a difficult time, that if they want to unload on me they are welcome to. Unless it's whinging for the sake of whinging lol. I have a couple of people where it's a mutual thing. If I ask someone how they are it's because I'm genuinely interested in their wellbeing.

Zoejory

I think the best way to avoid this issue is to totally ignore anyone you know.

Love it, Zoejory - I now have an image of various gransnetters leaping into bushes to avoid people they know

I'm another one who has gone into the doctor's and replied "Fine, thanks" to their greeting of "how are you?" It was my standard reply for many years and came out without me even thinking about it! I have now learnt to say "not too bad" on those days when I'm feeling anything but fine.

I have found, in recent times, that I have to be careful not to off load on anyone and everyone. I'm in the middle of a long term (very) stressful situation and am quite isolated due to health. So any poor soul that even vaguely knows me is at risk of getting chapter and verse should they even just smile at me... When you don't have anyone to offload or vent to, it is almost as though you have to 'get it out' any way you can.

Years ago as a psychotherapist, I often got clients who would offload on me every session. And that was actually their therapy. It is well known in the talking therapies that just offering the space for someone to do that can be as effective as any kind of 'therapy'. Although I agree, it can be frustrating when confronted with someone doing that when all you've done is greeted them on the street or in the supermarket.

Graygirl I like that you posted the "Fed Up" version :-)

I learnt another version in a workshop with Professors Richard Erskine who told us to never accept "Fine" as a reply from a client, the shock tactic he used ensured I never forgot that lesson.

But I think the salutary lesson is if you don't want to know how someone is don't ask.

As others have pointed out if you ask you might get told and get told more than you wanted.

However, after the last couple of years and with the current situation at home and in the wider world it's no surprise some people feel the need to off load.

If asked I always say Fine thanks and one of my friends then says are you really? Because last time you said that you were in intensive care so I don't believe you any more!My husband on the other hand tells everyone who will listen exactly what's wrong in gory detail

I went through a period with a lot of health issues and my respect for a friend went up a notch when he actually said "I'm not asking how you are, because I really don't want to know - but It's good to see you". Which has become my standard greeting unless it's someone I really care for.

I think this thread has gotten out of hand. Correct me if I'm wrong but wasn't it a thread about how you deal with people who hijack the conversation with their own 'problems'? I completely understand how listening to people who are really struggling is incredibly important but people just moaning and being egocentric and NOT listening to you was what the original post was asking? Maybe I'm wrong ?

I think this thread has gotten out of hand

Oh dear, Gransnetters are always meandering, misbehaving and generally getting out of hand.