The life you could have had

Read a poem by Robert Frost called The Road Not Taken.

Yes, sometimes. Life though, is about making choices, one path can go one way, another , another way. My biggest regret is writing to an ex boyfriend and telling him I didn't want to see him again and another letter to tell him not to go out with the walking group we both went out with.. It seemed like the right decision at the time but I wish we could have remained friends and that we had kept in touch. I still have feelings for him even though I haven't seen him since 1987! I very much aware that living together/marriage would not have worked between us.

This is such a poignant thread. All the ifs and but and if only. There is nothing we can do about any of it. It is all in the past. We can just remember and rejoice in what we have. It makes me so sad

Must add it to my reading list.

cindylou I enjoyed that book and the multiverse concept was interesting.

I have a good friend who I’ve known for 14 years. We worked together for nine years. We are both cat lovers and she recently got four kittens! I saw them once when they were kittens, but we haven’t seen much of each other because of Covid. We met up for lunch yesterday for the first time in about nine months. After lunch she said about me going back to hers, so I could see the kittens, or should I say cats as they are now fully grown. Anyway, we got to her house and when she opened the front door the smell hit me! I went and sat in the lounge where all the cats were and she had four dishes of cat food in there. I was shocked as I couldn’t understand why she would feed the cats in the lounge. I couldn’t believe she would invite anybody in in those conditions. To make matters worse she brought me in a piece of cake and a mug of tea, which normally I would have loved, but having to eat cake with that smell really made me feel sick. I mentioned it to another good friend of mine who I see a lot and she said she would have had to go home, because she wouldn’t have been able to sit in the lounge with all the cat food. I might add it was wet cat food as well as kibble. I don’t want to upset my friend as she is a good kind person, but I’m worried that she’ll invite me round again and I just cannot face going there. I think I’ll have to find a way of saying how I feel (if she asks me again, or try to make sure she just comes to my house) and telling her that the last thing I want to do is to upset her.

Coastalgran, that is a favourite poem of mine; we had to memorize it in school. Of course I had all but forgotten it, but it does capture the wistfulness of his choices.

While I have regrets about how certain situations were handled in my youth, I can't say I spend any time wondering what might have happened if only...

I am very happy with my life choices in general. I could have "lived up to my potential" with striving for higher education, but there is still time for that!

Peablossom, you have posted your situation in the wrong spot, perhaps you should start a new thread.

Financially, I made some poor decisions. But I met my present husband and he helped me sort my act out. Life is good for us atm (touches wood). I'm super happy but I have arthritis and that has blighted some things. But I have fabulous family and friends, a beautiful home, 5 darling GC and all my marbles!
There before the grace of God go I.

I often look back on my life with regret at my own mistakes and foolish pursuit of things I aspired to but never attained, often my own fault, but sometimes not. I was a clever girl and won a place at Cambridge University to read Classics. I turned it down to take the same subject at a different one solely because the guy I loved was there and I followed him. We married during that time, young obviously and against advice. Of course it failed a few years after graduation-neither of us was mature enough but he did treat me very unkindly and I ended up sad and broke as he made off with quite a lot of money, half of which was mine (we both had good jobs). I was too heartbroken to pursue it so I started again. Eventually I met my second husband, the love of my life. We were together 27 years and have three great children. He was a difficult man, never completely happy with life for various reasons and my relationship with him was difficult with many tears. But I really loved him and tried so very hard to make him happy and our life together work. It didn’t of course and he left me, again with less money than I needed as his business wasn’t doing well and debts had to be paid. So from owning my own house which we had struggled to buy, I now rent which as I get older is an unknown quantity and a worry in itself. I was really devastated for a long time but now, although I will always have feelings for him, I realise the mistakes I have made in searching too importunately for love with unsuitable partners and passing up, in more ways than I can say here, opportunities I have been offered in order to make others happy. I am 65, alone now and do not seek or expect another relationship. I have my three terrific children, four beautiful grandchildren (more to come I hope!) and I have found peace of a sort. Regrets don’t haunt me although I do have them. Those who don’t must count themselves blessed!

I'm with Karmalady .....

suzikyoo

I'm with Karmalady .....

So you believe luck doesn't play any part?

I do regret lacking the confidence to do what I really wanted when I was very young but although I dream myself to sleep each night back in the world of ‘what might have been’ the reality of my fairly good life with decent children and many grandchildren almost makes up for the disappointment, although I do really wish I had the self-confidence to go and actually find out, maybe one day

I’ve had a lot of time to think about this since I was widowed early this year after being together for 20 years. What if we’d met earlier in life? What if I’d married my first great love? What if I’d gone to the school I really wanted , not the one where I went ? Well , the answers to all these, after much thought and soul searching .... DISASTER! I wouldn’t have had the education I’ve had or the subsequent career or my wonderful children and grandchildren. Everything would have been different and I love everything just as it is . I have been very lucky in so many ways. If there was another road that I could have taken , I’m glad it was blocked.

Of course luck plays a part. The family you are born into is luck, good or bad. It's bad luck if you are given no love, encouragement, praise, and are neglected and experience things no child should, it's bad luck. It holds you back.
If you are born into a loving, supportive family, that's good luck and gives you the tools to make good choices, even if you don't always make good choices you have been given the tools.

I might have done better with different parents. But then there were parents even worse than mine so who knows. I can’t remember much before I was 10 except that I was told that I was their only child who ‘gave them trouble’. From then on life was a mess and my only wish was to get away. I used to hope that I was adopted and my real parents would turn up one day and rescue me. I made life-changing mistakes before I was properly grown up and married to escape which brought me 40 years of stress.
But I have my lovely caring children and my darling grandchildren and though past my live by date and struggling with ill-health, I have more freedom of choice now than ever in my life.
I try not to think about them but the ‘ what ifs’ still hang around.

I think someone mentioned this book up thread, Kate Atkinson's "Life After Life" superb, very much on the theme of the imponderable "what could have been" if the main character had gone down a particular route at certain junctures in her life. I tried the Matt Haig book, "Midnight Library" thinking it would be similar but I didn't like it all.

all at all

I've really enjoyed the different things I've done in my life and the places I've visited - some for pleasure, some for work. I've been really lucky. I was an only child which I think helped me with regard to confidence. Life is quieter now. The pandemic affected me insofar as I retreated into a 'shell' for quite a while, and I'm no longer a 'go getter' but I've lots to write about for my grandchildren - if I every get round to it!!!!

I wonder if this reflection on what might have been has developed because of the semi-isolation brought about by covid?
Recently I have been musing on two decisions I made when twelve and twenty-one, and now regret rejecting the opportunities offered.
Poignant, as someone said but also probably make-believe.

Many wrong decisions and failed relationships. My poor school record and exam results - when everyone said that I was bright but didn’t ‘apply’ myself - has finally been explained. I have been diagnosed - even at my advanced years - as having ADHD. As a child/ adolescent, my condition was not recognised (and it is a physical as much as mental one). Looking back, it is quite clear that my brother, too, had this condition. It doesn’t change anything, obviously, but it does lift feelings of guilt and failure. There have been times, when I was absolutely focused and supported, that I achieved brilliant successes, such as a First Class Honours degree as a (very) mature student, and publishing 2 novels. Anyone else had a similar experience?

I’ve made some bad decisions in my life but I don’t like back with regret- at least not the ones that affected me. I have some regrets concerning the way I treated my son ( teenage at the time)after my divorce from his father but I try to forgive myself as I was in a bad way.
Best to only look forward imho..

My friend, always underconfident and cautious, constantly regrets all the things she didn't do.

I can honestly say that I don't regret anything I decided to do (having done a lot) and I'm really content now, happy to just drift along and potter about - living a simple life. My contentment drives her mad!

I always told my students 'Don't be a coulda, shoulda, woulda - just DO!'.

No I don’t think their is.

I don’t really see the point in regrets. Things haven’t always gone the way I expected or dreamed of, but I am pretty happy with my lot.

My only regret is that I wish that I had bought my Mother flowers more often, just because she loved them ?