It’s nothing to do with me!

re helping people in the street.
i think it's easier, simpler to help strangers, because it is purely task/problem focussed.
with people we see repeatedly, patterns can emerge. we can slip into doormat-ism.
it's subtle, gradual, and complicated.
there is the attraction of the martyr role too.

Kate1949 when I was very young we had an older neighbour who used to be helped by the.neighbour on the other side of her. When she died they complained bitterly that she had left them out of her will. Made me wonder exactly why they were helping her in the first place !

I help where I can and often provide a sympathetic ear for the problems of others. I do though say no when it's something I don't want to do. My husband helps everyone along the way and is sometimes taken for granted which annoys me. Doesn't stop him offering help.

Try to avoid persecutor-victim-rescuer triangles: many start as the rescuer and become the victim!

Where will we be in this world if everybody gave up helping others? There’s a difference between helping and being nosey.

Please don’t get hard-hearted.

One morning while looking out of my window I saw a young man asleep on the wooden bench opposite our house. A few hours later he was still there. I went across and sat down on the bench. I said hello and told him my name. I asked if he would like a hot drink and maybe something to eat? He was just so sad. Slowly after I said “ please tell me your story” he started to talk and talk. We chatted and I listened. He was estranged from his mum and his dad had kicked him out of the house the night before. Hence, being asleep on the bench. After a while I got him to promise that he would go to his mums. He got up and left.
All that day I worried about him. The next day he arrived on my doorstep with his mum. A beaming smile on both their faces. They came to say thank you. I cried. Not all encounters with people are bad?.

Great self care Honesuckleberries!
I'm aware of what I call,"unsolicited advice". I never give advice unless asked. It's so easy to see on the outside of a situation what would help, in our opinion. Our opinion can often be unhelpful. If someone asks for my opinion I'll give it, in the full knowledge that they will probably not take it, but rather just needed some input. I usually hand the conversation back to the person..asking them what they think would be a good solution etc. People do what they want in any case and rarely actually take advice on board... unless of course they have sought out and paid a lawyer etc.
As for people who want to unload their negative stuff, I no longer am willing to be a dumping ground for the 'poor me's' I'm happy to listen once but if it's the way a person is generally, I back off. I want to be around positive people and share the joy of life, not be on the receiving end of mood lowering negative moaning.

M0ira that's brilliant that you went over to talk to him

A relative of mine is a lovely person, he is always there if we are ever needing help. He and his wife have both served in the armed forces and discovered a very elderly neighbour was a veteran. They used to go and chat to him about hi days in the forces as he was lonely and do odd jobs. They were warned off by the man’s family suspected of being fortune hunters. My relative was so upset and now says never again will he offer help. A sad story but understandable.

I don’t put up with anyone I am not comfortable with. Doesn’t matter who they are. Have done it in the past...and it’s a road leading to a great big brick wall.

I surround myself with only the people I love, and who love me. I have to say, I’m don’t particularly dislike anyone...I’m just disinterested/ indifferent.

The result is, a lovely peaceful life, with no animosity.

My neighbour was coming out of the chemist when an older lady collapsed in front of her. Being a care assistant she bent down to talk to the old lady to see if she was OK. The old lady shrieked at her not to touch as she was unclean, and she wanted her own 'kind.' Apparently she was from a religious sect, and those that were not were unclean! She was wearing a small scarf on her head but I don't know the religion.
Upset my neighbour a lot as she's a very kind caring person.

Well nanna8 I've tried not to be suspicious of these two and they do a lot for her. I'm not sure where she'd be without them but the things they say about her are pretty appalling.
She is a nice old lady and is very good to them and their family. Our family also. Right up to last year when our granddaughter was 21, she has given her money for birthdays, Christmas and Easter. My husband however is very suspicious and says they didn't expect her to live so long.
I swept the leaves from her drive once as the neighbour had been complaining about all she does and that she had a bad back. She lost the plot in that occasion too and stormed about saying 'I know where I'm not wanted'.

M0ira

One morning while looking out of my window I saw a young man asleep on the wooden bench opposite our house. A few hours later he was still there. I went across and sat down on the bench. I said hello and told him my name. I asked if he would like a hot drink and maybe something to eat? He was just so sad. Slowly after I said “ please tell me your story” he started to talk and talk. We chatted and I listened. He was estranged from his mum and his dad had kicked him out of the house the night before. Hence, being asleep on the bench. After a while I got him to promise that he would go to his mums. He got up and left.
All that day I worried about him. The next day he arrived on my doorstep with his mum. A beaming smile on both their faces. They came to say thank you. I cried. Not all encounters with people are bad?.

What a beautiful soul you are. Not many people would have helped that young man.....We need more people in the world like you....

GrannyL-I'd never heard of that'circus' phrase- but i quite like it!?

Same here, have backed off a good bit from someone who incessantly moans about anything, everything and nothing, both current situations and going back to the year dot. I think what finished it for me (after listening for yet again another couple of hours) was them saying that no-one listens to them. A very depressing and draining person who will never be happy with anything positive, so I am limiting the time and energy spent on them. Life, especially nowadays, is just too short. It feels harsh but I just can't take any more of that.

Grandmabatty

I was for years the family fixer and struggled to say no. If I suggested anything and it didn't work out, I was given the responsibility of fixing it. I have learned to keep silent now and don't offer advice except to my daughter and only if she asks for it. Finally learning to step back is very liberating!

There is a marvellous easy way out of this quandary now-a-days.

If the other person cannot get what you suggested to work, just smile and say, " I am sure you can find a YouTube video that will show you how to do it."

And then start doing something else yourself.

I used to take in parcels for one neighbor at other end of a row, as he did me, as we were on 'speaking at the gate terms' then some of others must have noticed, and before i knew it all the couriers etc were asking me to take in all parcels from all the 2 rows- one was huge- so when the pandemic came around i decided it was safer not to- and put a sign on door saying no acceptance- worked well till last week, when a delivery driver asked my son dashing out to college if we'd take next doors delivery- (clearly driver thought as Britain's dropping covid rules it was ok to ask again) But no, its still no!(the parcel was the size of the front door- maybe it even WAS a door?)I've not been asking anyone to take in mine in pandemic either, not even the neighbour on the end.So fair's fair. ?

sazz1

My neighbour was coming out of the chemist when an older lady collapsed in front of her. Being a care assistant she bent down to talk to the old lady to see if she was OK. The old lady shrieked at her not to touch as she was unclean, and she wanted her own 'kind.' Apparently she was from a religious sect, and those that were not were unclean! She was wearing a small scarf on her head but I don't know the religion.
Upset my neighbour a lot as she's a very kind caring person.

Sounds like she might have been a member of the Plymouth Brethren or the Jesus Army. We have a settlement near where I live and they are very insular. Did she have long untrimmed hair?

There are times when I'd have been lost without my neighbours, and times when they'd have been lost without us.
Obviously there are people who just can't be helped, and people who take advantage of other people's kindness.
But it's not always like that.

I used to try to micro manage my family, to smooth out situations before they occurred, to keep the peace and avoid arguments between my husband and the kids and between each of the kids. It was exhausting and one day it fell apart and who got the blame? Yep me. So I stopped, I just stopped. Now they can fight their own battles and deal with the consequences.

Wasting my time on one way friendships and I'm actually doing pretty well at it now.

I would just add that my neighbour said to me recently 'You don't care about me. You never offer to help me.'
I tried to explain that that's simply not true. If course we would help her but those two over the road threaten to stop looking after her and she gets upset. They sort of blackmail her so we can't win really.

MOira, that is a beautiful story with such a lovely ending.

Hi Everyone, I am new on here, have browsed for a long time but never messaged. I enjoy reading all your goings on, but where is the Crumpet Queen, I did so enjoy reading about her life, probably because she is the same age as me, but sounds a lot fitter! Have a good day all.

I often (not always) like to help, but always ask first, to see if the person actually wants the help or not. And I have learnt its ok to say 'no' when I want to, as well as 'yes'.