It’s nothing to do with me!

Unfortunately some people take kindness for weakness. My DIL’s family are “takers” and we’ve helped them out several times with money and doing things for them as they said we are now “family”. Didn’t last long however as not invited to “family” events. I try not to get into that position any more.

My mum used to say go my sister who's so soft in nature.....Some people take SAFTNESS for DAFTNESS....so true....

During the first lockdown I volunteered through a local charity to be a "telephone friend" to several people. My job was to ring them at agreed times/days and pass on any requests for help to the charity workers. Some people wanted to chat and others did not - it was just a case of checking in to see if they needed any support.

There was one lady whom I call Joan (not her real name) who seemed to enjoy our chats and we got on really well.

One day I called and a strange voice answered. When I asked for Joan the person announced that she was Joan's daughter followed by "Oh so your the busybody whose been bothering my mother. Well you dont need to call again now Im here to look after her." I told the "daughter" that I would like to hear from Joan herself if she did not wish me to call again but the daughter rudely slammed down the phone. I tried calling again next day but there was no reply,

Worried about Joan I reported the incident to the charity worker who was my contact. I was suspicious of the stranger because Joan was really well spoken and the "daughter" had a much rougher accent and manner. The charity worker said they would send a welfare visitor around to see Joan and check on her. She advised me not to call again until they had looked into the incident. I never found out exactly what happened for reasons of privacy. However my contact later told me that social services had become involved in the case and instructed me not to try to contact Joan again.

I suspect there was a safeguarding issue involving the "daughter" but you have to tread very carefully when dealing with people who might be vulnerable.

Kartush I know just what that feels like, I did that too....for years.

I’ll always help if needed - but won’t be taken advantage of by chancers! Thankfully we’ve got great neighbours and we will happily help them out, as they do us.

For the last 2 years I have gone out of my way to help a 'friend'. At short notice a month ago she demanded to meet for coffee. I apologised I had my sister staying, very unhappy response. Last week she commented she had been within 1/3 mile of me - but would only meet 'if I could guarantee I'd be available '. I suffer from a chronic disability, but am expected to know when I'm going to be well. I've given up. Another lady I thought a close friend only meets at my suggestion - then tells me I don't arrange things often enough...I pointed out it is a two way street and haven't bothered since. I fear I'm becoming a bitter, grumpy loner

Kate 1949, omg that couple sound horrible. They may be claiming Carers allowance from her already and I bet they were hoping to cash in when the elderly lady dies especially as she has no family. Probably why they went bat ?when your husband did a little job for her.
Hopefully the elderly lady will leave all her money an animal rescue or something lol

Secretsquirrel I don't like to think badly of people and like I said, this couple have done so much for her. It's not done with good grace however.
To see her sobbing and looking frightened when this woman said that she would no longer help her because my husband had done one small job for her was heartbreaking.

actually Kate, that sounds quite concerning.
they are causing her fear and distress, that is emotional abuse.
i wonder if a referral to social services safeguarding team would be appropriate.
can be done anonymously.
she is obviously a vulnerable person and they have a duty to check on her welfare if alerted.

I really need to stop getting stuck in between my daughter and her daughters arguments. They are both as much to blame as the other and trying to make sure they are both safe is making me physically sick. I'm 70 years old and they are 48 and 21 respectively. Old enough to sort their own problems really but both have mental health issues that I don't really understand.

I've thought about that welbeck but generally she seems happy with the situation. Although she is 93, she has all her faculties and is no fool. She knows what she wants. Although she can't get to shops etc without their help, she gets around the downstairs of her house and garden with the aid of one of those wheelie things. She cooks. She depends on them but they can be unkind behind her back.

welbeck

Kate1949, that's horrible. i'd doubt the motives of that couple. sounds like they honed in on her in expectations of being rewarded, she is older, no children...
hence their anger at anyone else getting involved.
they ascribe to others their own motives.

Exactly this, you’ve saved me a lot of typing, I was going to say the same. I just worry that the old lady might need protecting from these people.

No man is an island - some of our contacts with our communities will go well, some not - but I do not think that this is a reason to cut oneself off and make a conscious decision to not be helpful to others.

The village I live in is a lovely community and everyone gets involved in helping each other in any way we all can. Sometimes we are the giver, sometimes the taker. It all balances out.

Kate, I 'm 90 and I'd like to help a woman of 93 if she lived just next door and needed any help I could give. It's my own responsibility to draw the line and say "No" whenever.

I'd ask those other former volunteer helpers to help too if and when, unless they are horrible people. who would abuse me.

When you get to be older you look back on what you contributed to the community through the work you did over the years, and the taxes that were scammed out of you through PAYE. You see the example set to the rest of the nation by that gang of slimy crooks and shysters in westminster. It makes you think "well I have done my bit now" and make a decision that your declining years are going to be dedicated to the things you WANT to do rather than what others think you OUGHT to do.