I am feeling guilty about this. In the last couple of years I have so much less energy. We have new neighbours in the small cottage next door. The young lady is pregnant, does not work, has some serious health issues and has expressed how lonely she is while her partner is at work. She has been brought up in care and is feeling very isolated here as she has moved several hundred miles away with her partner. She comes to my door constantly, asking for “heavy” advice and talking about her loneliness and lack of money. All this blurted out at me when I was taking in the bin. A few years ago, I would have asked her in, listened and pointed her in the direction of help. Now, I just cannot. I’ve told her to register with a local GP, that her questions are beyond me. Today, I have not gone into the garden and hid in the hall when I heard her coming. She has asked to use my garden, which is my sanctuary. (I told her about the various nearby green areas.) They have a tiny back green and whirligig.). She was clearly disappointed. I can see she needs support but I just have no energy for her; I need my energy for my own family and one of my AC who needs a lot of support. I have always said a pleasant hello, but I am very busy, on the phone, about to go out etc. she says she’ll wait or if I’m going into town can she come with me.
I just needed to get it off my chest and I need to not feel guilty.
Thanks for reading.
Don't feel guilty. Maybe you could go round to hers for a coffee on a regular weekly basis for half an hour? (You have more control over time if you visit it her)
Can you try to find her an antenatal group? That's what she needs.
sparkly1000. Yes the partner has a very good job. ?. There are lots of lovely people around and I am sure everyone will give a little support which will add up. We are a very close and helpful community. I already occasionally help my daughter’s friend with childcare and do some voluntary work.
Chardy. I have already directed her to the closest GP surgery which has its own midwife and health visitors.
Please do NOT feel guilty. This young lady may indeed be lonely but she has no concept of respecting your space / privacy!! Walking in your garden unknown to you , asking to sit in your garden - not acceptable under any circumstance. IMO these are red flags you should take notice of. Do take care , at the risk of sounding uncaring she may not be what she seems to be. Do not feel obliged to ' help' her - watch out and don't give her cash or gifts. Clearly you are a kindly person and it must go against the grain to fend this young woman off but fend her off you must! There may be more to this situation than meets the eye ! Take care.
I’d be inclined to put my big girl knickers on and have ^the talk^?
If it was me I would give her time but make it clear when that time would be. I would explain ( all done with a big smile) that I’m a very sociable person but I value my own space and time.
I would tell her ( not so smiley) that my garden is completely out of bounds.
I wouldn’t desert her.
You are obviously a very caring person, Feelingmyage55, but we all have our limitations, much as we’d like to help. Some people need more help that we’re emotionally and physically able to give. I agree with most of what has been said here, you have pointed her in the direction of help/groups she can join which should be good for her. Its what she needs. I would be very wary in case she isn’t all she seems - certainly do not allow her into your garden as it may become a regular request. And do NOT lend her any money, despite any sob stories she might come out with. It does sound as if you’re toughening up already - waving her away when not convenient etc. All the best - I don’t envy your predicament - and don’t be a soft touch with her as she may take advantage, but retain a friendly, if rather more reserved air.
I speak from experience and there is nothing worse than having a "needy" neighbour. I have found that if you give them an inch they will take a mile.
I would probably say something like:-
"I feel akward saying this but I am a very private person and I dont do neighbouring. I have health (or whatever) problems of my own and have to keep my time and energy for sorting them that. Its nothing personal and nothing youve done but I dont go in for chats over the garden fence and inviting people in. I do hope you understand."
And then quickly disengage.
On reflection she sounds as though she needs someone like my grandmother - a very practical, wise and "tell it like it is" type of person.
If she thought the person was in need she would probably state a time when it was convenient and invite her round, saying "You may come in for half an hour". During the conversation she would lay out the boundaries. At the end she would stand up and say "Time for you to go now. Ill show you out."
Grandmother was like this with her own family and no one ever got the better of her. Still she was loved and respected because we all knew her rules.
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