Husband jealous burst a balloon of help and care

> My friend close friends are holding her husband ...

Hmm. Freudian slip?

I can't desert the man turn my back on him because my friend is no longer here.

Serendipidity
You don't have to desert him but you do have to encourage him to gain independence, join social groups and move on with his life.

When I was widowed many years ago a male colleague was very helpful especially at work. Then he started visiting me at home. We had always been friendly and I was able to speak to him quite freely. He then stopped coming telling me that his wife didn’t like it. I accepted this as I would probably have felt the same in her position.

StarDreamer I am married, and not in the market for shinenegans, so I would simply say something like 'Thank you, that's very kind. Richard thinks so too, which is good to know after 40 years of marriage. Now, how are you getting on with painting that fence?'

A single woman may or may not see him as attractive, so might choose to say 'I've always liked you too', or 'Sorry, John, I value you as a friend but would prefer to keep it that way' or whatever comes naturally to her.

A married woman in an unhappy marriage who has always secretly hankered after John might behave differently though - people don't really work to a script.

The point is that if someone is happily married they won't be looking for anyone else, and on the whole, if you don't look you don't find.

Thank you, Doodledog.

welbeck

are you seriously saying that going to see this man secretly, for whatever reason, is a fair way to treat your husband.
no wonder he has worries.
why can you as a couple not support him together, both of you visit him and invite him, include him in larger gatherings etc.

This I have suggested but husband replies "He is your friend, not mine."

I havent gone to see my friends husband 'secretly', I have always said it in conversation that I ha e messaged him to see he ok or that I called to see him nothing but nothing has been done in secret, I was meaning NOW that husband has errupted, I am placed in a position of a) I desert him or b) I keep a check on him but dont announce it like I did before.

ExDancer

I was in your position.
My friend who died had been declining for several years and her husband and I became quite friendly, so it was natural I should want to help him when he was lonely.
However, he became so dependant on me I came to the conclusion he was never going to pick himself up and get on with the rest of his life.
Just how much help are you giving? Are you sure you're helping him and not encouraging him to become reliant on you? Its so lovely to be needed.
How often do you see him - once a week, twice, every day?
It might be a good idea to gradually curtail your visits and put your husbands and your own mind at ease too.
Tough love but he must learn to get by without you eventually.
In the end, my dead friend met a new lady and married her after a 6 month courtship.
I was gobsmacked! Served me right.

Ohhh I would say in almost 1 year I have been to the house 3 times and sent maybe 15....20 messages .... I most certainly am not in the doorstep, he lives about 1 hr drive away.

He has a lot of friends and apparently keeps busy my input is simply Hi how are you?

My DH has met him a couple of times and it has always been with his wife ( my friend )

This I have suggested but husband replies "He is your friend, not mine."

Oh dear!
He's nursing his resentment.
Perhaps if he made an effort to befriend him he could encourage him to socialise more widely and not depend on his wife's friends for company.

3 visits to his house and maybe 15- 20 messages. I really don't see what your H has to be insecure about Serendipity.

Smileless2012

3 visits to his house and maybe 15- 20 messages. I really don't see what your H has to be insecure about Serendipity.

Me neither now - perhaps it's your DH who needs to get out and socialise more, Serendipity?

I have seen work colleagues I dont particularly like more than that

I really think if you are even considering doing it secretly, you have a problem here.

I do believe men and women can be friends and nothing more but I also believe your partners feelings are real and genuine and that is an issue that won't be helped by keeping secrets

You would create emotional distance between you and husband and he will feel it.

Id put your husbands needs first here

You need to talk this through, not from a position of you being (understandably) cross because you aren't doing anything wrong...

But from a position of listening

Find out why he is insecure and what can be done to work on it...

Because that insecurity might be his problem but you are married

Well to be honest three visits in a year is not worth getting upset over either by your husband or by you I d calm it all done he sounds as if he’s doing fine with lots of friends and lots to keep him busy so as the kids song says let it go not worth the agro

Thank you for your replies. I think, well, i dont think I know that its because of the type of person I am and also because I just know 100% that its what my friend would have done if it was the other way round. Its a natural impulse to help someone when they are down but yes, absolutely its only been 3 times in a whole 12 months ( well, almost 12 months)

Soooo very awkward.

Thank you again for taking the time to reply and give your thoughts.....

Ohhhhh before I forget, I cant invite him to anything myself and DH go to because we only go on days out together, coffee in cafe lunch, look round the market towns nearby, maybe a quiet drink in a country pub sometimes, so everything we do is just the 2 of us, so eyebrows would definitely be raised if I suggested my friends husband comes along too !!! Im not that close to him and to be quite honest, without sounding awful, I wouldn't want him there, I wouldnt find it benefitting him whatsoever......

After reading the OP’s post, then the various comments and her replies, it seems to me a bit of a mountain out of a molehill.

Calendargirl

After reading the OP’s post, then the various comments and her replies, it seems to me a bit of a mountain out of a molehill.

After 12 months, I agree.

Just say to your DH you're making a quick phone call every so often to your friend's widower to make sure he's ok, coping, going out etc.
Unless he's really depressed, there's no need for more propping up now.

Yes, I agree 100% and that is precisely what I said to DH.... I said its ludicrous. Its not as if I'm calling to see him allll the time, I wouldn't do that in any case.

Once again, thank you.....
Appreciated

I would want to support him and help him begin to adjust. Can’t you invite him over now and then and involve your husband, I would have a talk if it were my husband, saying can’t we help him through this. He probably feels very excluded.

Allsorts

I would want to support him and help him begin to adjust. Can’t you invite him over now and then and involve your husband, I would have a talk if it were my husband, saying can’t we help him through this. He probably feels very excluded.

I understand totally of your suggestion, I honestly do, but judging by the assumption my DH came to the other day, me suggesting he came over for tea or just coffee would be an instantaneous assumption that it was alllll adding to what he ridiculously believed that an affair could begin and by inviting him over would only mean that he ( DH ) had 'helped' in the start of this affair !!!!

So THAT is why I am saying ( a few posts previous ) that its either a) turn my back on the poor broken man or b) keep in touch secretly ... i mean secretly with the intention of preventing a huge fall out...

What a carry on !!

Serendipity22

Yes, I agree 100% and that is precisely what I said to DH.... I said its ludicrous. Its not as if I'm calling to see him allll the time, I wouldn't do that in any case.

Once again, thank you.....
Appreciated

I joined GN when I lost my dearest friend who was like the sister I never had.
Even after all this time I still miss her terribly.

Her DH seems fine now, having remarried.

Getting over the loss of a close friend is very hard.
He is your link to her.

It may start off all above board and very be veryplatonic.
But, what happens if you go round one day and he's really upse?. You will end up hugging him (after all that's what any decent friend would do, right)?
Bam! Straight away you will be having a physical connection.
He or you, or both, may read too much into the hug, especially if alcohol is added to the mix.
You seem overly invested in this man's happiness and I think you're on a slippery slope and your husband is right to express concern.
Can you honestly say, hand on heart that you would be happy for your husband to go out of his way to make another woman happy, to the extent of visiting her, one on one and potentially in secret?
It's not your job to make this man happy.

Serendipity, you have not said whether or not you are developing an obsession with visiting the bereaved friend . If your concern for this man is becoming obsessional so you keep thinking about him , or you visit him daily , then your husband is right to be worried .

snowberryZ

It may start off all above board and very be veryplatonic.
But, what happens if you go round one day and he's really upse?. You will end up hugging him (after all that's what any decent friend would do, right)?
Bam! Straight away you will be having a physical connection.
He or you, or both, may read too much into the hug, especially if alcohol is added to the mix.
You seem overly invested in this man's happiness and I think you're on a slippery slope and your husband is right to express concern.
Can you honestly say, hand on heart that you would be happy for your husband to go out of his way to make another woman happy, to the extent of visiting her, one on one and potentially in secret?
It's not your job to make this man happy.

I agree, its not my job to make him happy, you are quite right.

It is now a case of what was once a normal, natural scenario, is now one of awkwardness and in some way sad that a person ( any person ) finds themselves in a situation such as this and people keep their distance for fear of it being misinterpreted into more than support, very sad.

I misjudged original post, visiting 3 times in a year and under 20 messages is nothing to get miffed about. Just a bit if support. I wouldn't lie about it, just carry on doing what I feel I should Husband must be either very unreasonable or jealous .