Husband jealous burst a balloon of help and care

Rather than texting or meeting your friend's husband alone to make sure he is okay, why don’t you organize a group meeting say a meal to include him, all your other friends and their spouses and your DH as well.

I personally feel that you have done more than what most normal people will do, making sure that your friend’s DH is still okay after a year.

*It may start off all above board and very be veryplatonic.
But, what happens if you go round one day and he's really upse?. You will end up hugging him (after all that's what any decent friend would do, right)? Bam! Straight away you will be having a physical connection. He or you, or both, may read too much into the hug, especially if alcohol is added to the mix.
You seem overly invested in this man's happiness and I think you're on a slippery slope and your husband is right to express concern.*
I think there are a lot of 'what ifs' here. If he's upset, if you hug him, if one of you reads too much into it, if you've been drinking.

It is perfectly possible for a man and a woman to be platonic friends and for that never to change, and it's a shame that so many people read more into innocent situations than would ever be there.

I think the fact you are even considering contacting your late friend's husband in secret rather than including your husband is very telling. Is your husband usually the jealous type.
I think your arguments about any involvement with your husband seem a bit lame and I wonder if you are fooling yourself a bit. I don't mean that unkindly and it could be that it is just the loss of your friend that means you feel so desperate to keep in touch rather than any romantic connotation.
If your concern for this man is purely for friendship's sake, I'd find a way that included your husband or just be open about it and face the consequences. I do think if you give in to jealousy, it just make things worse. Transparency can only give your husband a chance to learn how to trust.

If my husband was secretly texting and meeting a bereaved woman, I would be annoyed, not because of jealousy but because it's underhand and sneaky would mean they can't be trusted. The other woman is hardly likely to be kept going because of their input. I believe if you wanted to help anyone you include them with your other half.

You aren’t needed to prop up this man so maybe just stick to a Christmas card and leave it at that. If you turned the tables and your DH was visiting and texting another woman I dare say you may not like it.

Thank you all for your thoughts, its certainly made me see this from a different angle....

I suppose I was doing what I instantly do, just being me but not seeing the bigger picture.

Thank you..... ?

Hello Serendipity?
I hope that you are feeling a bit better about this today.

I’m so very sorry to read of the death of your dear friend

I think that it’s quite natural of your husband to be a bit jealous of the bond that you have with her widower; but it’s all being blown out of proportion maybe.

I remember my DH being a bit jealous of a man who I worked with (he is not a jealous man at all, but I was spending all day every day with this man, and we were really good friends).

Something has obviously touched a nerve with your husband.
Be gentle with him, and it will all blow over, I’m sure x

Your husband seems the jealous sort so just stop talking about your friend and visit him when you want to.

no don't do anything underhand or in secret if you value your marriage.
i agree with VioletSky and a few others above.
if you were single you could just take off and do what you want, wise or not.
but you chose to be married, to share your life and to put your husband first in your affections and allegiance.
that makes a difference.
what you do affects him. and what you want to do affects him.
also you have set up a false dichotomy: either abandon the poor bereaved man, leave him alone in his misery,
or defy/ignore your husband and go see the man in secret.
yet you have said that he is in touch with others, he is not isolated.
also you can show support by message/cards to him in full view of your husband.
you seem to tend towards dramatic all or nothing scenarios. that is rarely a realistic assessment of a situation.

Is this how people think relationships should work?

What do you mean Galaxy?

Sorry, I meant, which post are you referring to?

I think relationships shouldn't ask for perfection.

And they should definitely be honest.

Whether husband has any reason to feel insecure or not, thats how he feels.

So that needs dealing with and boundaries need to be put in place until he doesn't feel insecure.

He may have reasons he feels that way that need to be heard.

Life would be easy if we could just say to people "you shouldn't feel that way" in it was magically all better

However what actually happens is people still feel that way and they get the message that you don't care because you don't agree with those feelings.

That women shouldnt go and see a friend three times a year because she should put her husbands feelings first.

If you lie to your dh then it will look like your hiding something.
Be upfront and tell him when your going to see your friends husband,and Dh can like it or lump it.
Its him that has the problem,he needs to grow up imo.

Galaxy

That women shouldnt go and see a friend three times a year because she should put her husbands feelings first.

That anyone should be upfront and never consider lying.

That if you are messaging with someone, that you are sharing that with your partner or at the very lest not hiding anything.

That if your partner feels insecure, you find out why and ask what you can do to mitigate that and ensure that it is not your behaviour causing the insecurity.

Nothing to do with being a woman... it work both ways

I think that it’s quite natural of your husband to be a bit jealous of the bond that you have with her widower; but it’s all being blown out of proportion maybe.

Serendipity's DH probably feels excluded because Serendipity and the widower have a shared experience in that they both lost the person they loved, albeit loved in different ways.

If only he could bring himself to be included in this friendship he might become friendly with this man too, but he won't, he prefers to remain aloof and outside the circle of friends and expects his wife to do the same.

If your behaviour causes your partner to feel controlled and unhappy and as if they are unable to interact with other males then you need to work to ensure your behaviour does not make them feel that like.

Galaxy

If your behaviour causes your partner to feel controlled and unhappy and as if they are unable to interact with other males then you need to work to ensure your behaviour does not make them feel that like.

Why is it one or the other?

Isn't both possible with good effective communication?

I dont think there is a compromise on this one that's the problem. Either she sees this man or she doesnt. The thing about seeing him with the dh is just weird to be honest, I have friends we see as a couple and friends I see on my own, I don't need to be accompanied everywhere and neither does dh.

He would leave me if I insisted on going to the football with him

Galaxy

I dont think there is a compromise on this one that's the problem. Either she sees this man or she doesnt. The thing about seeing him with the dh is just weird to be honest, I have friends we see as a couple and friends I see on my own, I don't need to be accompanied everywhere and neither does dh.

I don't think it's at all weird to both see him, go out with him as a couple, ask him round for a meal, encourage him to get out and join groups eg U3A, Probus etc.
Although perhaps we're weird and don't realise it!

Because we kept up the relationship we have met our friend's new wife and have been out occasionally as couples.

I donr think it's weird to have friends as a couple but I think it's odd to insist all friends are met as a couple. I would find it so claustrophobic.

Galaxy

I donr think it's weird to have friends as a couple but I think it's odd to insist all friends are met as a couple. I would find it so claustrophobic.

I don't think that anybody is insisting all friends should be met as a couple, I just think it is a way of demystifying the relationship between the OP and her late friend's husband. Most people who suffer from jealousy/anxiety are worried more about what they don't know than what they do.
If the OP doesn't want to compromise, then I think she has every right to carry on her relationship. However, she should not "hide" anything nor be unkind about it but at the end of the day, it is her husband who needs to own his feelings. The OP can facilitate this by being kind and transparent about it.
I've been a jealous person and I know from experience, the more my partner gave in, the more I worried. When my husband refused to give in to my demands but offered a way forward by including me or carrying on without me but being open about it, I got much better about things...although I occasionally get a rush of blood to the head but I know it is me struggling with some through back feelings rather than my husband doing anything wrong.

Thank you ..

It's just such a sad carry on.... I mean DH has it fixed firmly in his mind that any communication whatsoever, be it a message are you ok ? or an actual visit, alllll adds up to an affair may develop, that is why I ended up shouting ( as I put in previous replies ) because I saw it as absolute absurd and allllll my previous explosions of the man is broken, he has lost his wife ( and his dad ) fell on deaf ears, i broke down in utter tears because I couldn't believe that something so utterly, utterly disgusting could be construed from something soooooo raw and painful and not only my friends husband, but left a huge void in me too, so I suppose the shouting and crying were out of sheer ddisbelief.

Anyway, I have seen the bigger picture from your replies and I do thank you for taking the time to post them. Its just very very sad that it has all erupted like this...