Husband jealous burst a balloon of help and care

I hope you can find a resolution Serendipity.

Galaxy

I donr think it's weird to have friends as a couple but I think it's odd to insist all friends are met as a couple. I would find it so claustrophobic.

I didn't say that at all.

Callistemon21

Galaxy

I donr think it's weird to have friends as a couple but I think it's odd to insist all friends are met as a couple. I would find it so claustrophobic.

I didn't say that at all.

What I did say was that it is a pity Serendipity's DH can't find it in his heart to be charitable towards a bereaved man who still seems to be in need of support.
Perhaps he needs male company too.

No I know you didnt I was just talking generally.

OP

I know there is no timeline for grieving.

However, you seem to be obsessed about this man.

Why is it? Because of the loss you experienced together?

Have you done the same for other people close to you who lost a loved one?

Sending a message "are you ok?" - it has a negative connotation.
You send that for something that happened recently, not a year ago
It is as if you are still concentrating on the loss instead of moving forward

Something like "hope you are having a good day!" Or "great weather out there, perfect chance to enjoy (insert his hobby here)"

How long are you planning to make yourself responsible for his wellbeing?

Your reply to our messages shows the pain you are in. You need grief therapy instead of bonding with her widower

Are you 100% he is as broken as you claim him to be?

Could there be projection of your own grief?

Another darger here is when you lose a loved one yourself.

What are your expectations for other people to support you?

It is perfectly possible for a man and a woman to be platonic friends and for that never to change, and it's a shame that so many people read more into innocent situations than would ever be there.

Isn't it just. I've got 2 close friends, who just happen to be male; one is married, the other widowed. I see and speak to them as frequently as I wish. OH has a hobby, that I have no involvement with, that has given him friends both male and female. Neither one of us would dream of putting limits on when, where, how often we speak to or see them and would deem any interference with that as controlling behaviour.

Its easy for people to say "I cant relate to his feelings so he must be wrong"

But that doesn't stop him feeling them.

Messages being written places that he can or cant see, the thought that it might be easier to keep contact a secret rather than actually deal with the issue... these aren't good plans.

Simply asking husband what he needs to feel secure and doing that is what will fix this. Making an effort to include him in the friendship even if he doesn't feel comfortable with that now due to his own feelings. Being open and honest about all communication and never looking like anything is hidden or secret will help.

Amd if it comes down to it, because that has been roo little too late, putting our relationship before a friendship.

We can all very easily say that the way someone else feels is their problem but when we are in a relationship or friendship with someone, and we were experiencing feelings we didn't know the origin of or were struggling to deal with... wouldn't we want the same back from the other person?

Sorry VS I could never be in a relationship like that. Under no circumstances would I want dh to take responsibility for my feelings in that way. I quite like him

Ditto Galaxy; I'll do all that's reasonably possible to engender compromise and trust in any relationship but I'm not taking responsibility for someone else's lack of confidence in either me or themselves. That's for them to work on.

putting our relationship before a friendship.

A loving, emotionally mature, and supportive partner wouldn't ask you to make the choice.

Do you genuinely see it like that galaxy making others responsible for your feelings?

I see it more like, your problem is our problem, let's work through this together.

There is a famous saying, where arguments can be avoided by changing your outlook. It gies something like:

"It should not be the two of you versus each other, it should be the two of you versus the problem".

Especially when you think of all the physical issues that can arise that cause a problem where there wouldn't be one like:

Hormonal changes
Hormonal imbalances
Undiagnosed illness
Depression
Anxiety
Nutrient deficiencies

I'm sure there are more..

I'm trying to be fair to OP and her husband and help her relate to him to resolve this.

I'd probably give vastly different advice to him

Yet it would still centre around listening to the other person... because this relationship matters and I wouldn't want to risk helping its destruction

So many people have forgotten how to have real empathy and understanding fir each other as long as their own needs are met

So many people have forgotten how to have real empathy and understanding fir each other as long as their own needs are met.

Like dictating who a partner can /cannot be friends with because they can't get a handle on their own jealousies and inadequacies? Goes both ways.

Thanks what a lovely thing to say

You both seem more interested in hearing yourself speak and your own interpretation lf what is being said rather than actually listening to a different point of view so I will leave it there

You're welcome!

Sorry, meant to add Galaxy!

You both seem more interested in hearing yourself speak and your own interpretation

What an odd thing to say! We're no more interested than you or anyone else who's offered their opinions on this and so the same thing could be said to you about your own interpretation. Yours is no more right/wrong or valuable than any one else's.

Hormonal changes
Hormonal imbalances
Undiagnosed illness
Depression
Anxiety
Nutrient deficiencies

Whose?
Do you mean Serendipity's, her DH's or the widower's?
I don't understand what all those things might have to do with the problem.
This would seem to be over complicating the issue.

Two people have lost someone they loved dearly, one of them has the ability to help the other through the despair and loneliness. In doing so she can come to terms with her loss too.
The husband of that person has his nose pushed out of joint, feels left out.
That can be put right if he agreed to be more understanding and perhaps made some social contact with the grieving man.

I made suggestions earlier because I can relate absolutely to the problem although in our case my DH was not jealous and was welcoming to the bereaved widower.

OP have you considered that you may be afflicted by a saviour/rescuer complex.
the extreme reaction to your husband, shouting etc, sounds as if you are very/over invested in seeing yourself as essential to this man's emotional well-being.
does he in fact really need this from you.
or do you need to see yourself in this role.

Serendipity (OP) hasn’t been on here for a couple of days.
I know that it’s basically a free for all if it’s posted on here, but I do hope that Serendipity is okay.
The death of her friend has clearly been a great loss.

I'll do all that's reasonably possible to engender compromise and trust in any relationship but I'm not taking responsibility for someone else's lack of confidence in either me or themselves. That's for them to work on.

Indeed it is but it may be that the husband has seen something in his wife's behaviour which has unsettled him more than it normally would. As the OP hasn't said he is normally a jealous person, this seems to be a one off. Trust is a wonderful thing in a relationship but if you saw something which gave you pause (and this has been going on for a year) you'd be daft not to try to head problems off at the pass if you could.

FannyCornforth

Serendipity (OP) hasn’t been on here for a couple of days.
I know that it’s basically a free for all if it’s posted on here, but I do hope that Serendipity is okay.
The death of her friend has clearly been a great loss.

I hope so too.

I can empathise with her.

Callistemon21

Hormonal changes
Hormonal imbalances
Undiagnosed illness
Depression
Anxiety
Nutrient deficiencies

Whose?
Do you mean Serendipity's, her DH's or the widower's?
I don't understand what all those things might have to do with the problem.
This would seem to be over complicating the issue.

Two people have lost someone they loved dearly, one of them has the ability to help the other through the despair and loneliness. In doing so she can come to terms with her loss too.
The husband of that person has his nose pushed out of joint, feels left out.
That can be put right if he agreed to be more understanding and perhaps made some social contact with the grieving man.

I made suggestions earlier because I can relate absolutely to the problem although in our case my DH was not jealous and was welcoming to the bereaved widower.

Precisely....
Sorry not been on GN today, been busy with goodness knows what.....

Yes , it alllll boils down to the word help.

It's ridiculous, I still sometimes have a little weep all these years later.