Were you a disappointment to your parents ?

I felt my parents disappointment many times.
I wasn't studious and I didn't go to uni.
And my first marriage was to someone of a different race/colour. My parents came to love him in the end though. Then they were disappointed that we got divorced.

SueEH

henetha

Yes definitely. I was adopted and never lived up to expectations. I think I was a huge disappointment.

Me also Henetha.
The sun shone out of my brother’s backside (their natural son) and I always felt inadequate. But 40 years on my brother treated them very badly and my mother died after not having seen him for over ten years. The one thing I did better than him was to give them grandchildren. However I feel very bitter as there should have been be someone else helping me to look after our parents. I’m now trying to manage my 93 year old dad who lives 100 miles away and it’s no fun at all.

Gosh, I can't believe that so many of you had parents who were you thought were disappointed in you and you in them. I know my perspective of looking at things, of growing up differs from my sisters. I wasn't the golden child, if there was a favourite I don't know who. I dug my heels in and got my way by not going yo the school they chose,they were right by the way, yes they were disappointed in my stance, but they treated me no differently, no I told you so. I always let the small things go. I can only think that people that are disappointed in their children, either did not want them or there is a character clash, like a child bring extra needy and over sensitive about everything with lots of dramas. No one coukd stand test year in and year out without getting deforested. Some can start a fight in an empty room, that goes for mothers and daughters, the high maintenance daughter then becomes that disappointed mother, same with sons. Childhood for lots seems to be a miserable place. Better not to have a child than an unwanted one.

My mother was very disappointed when I dtopped out of university. The sense of failure has never left me, though she was proud of me when I did my degree many years later. She brought me up to 'remember that other people are better than you.' As a mother, I could not come up to her standards and capabilities or that of other mums my age. I look back at my school reports and realise how much potential I had, and also, ftom the few photos taken, that I was quite beautiful and never knew it.

I was on a hiding to nothing from the very start - apparently I was a mistake from the moment my mother found out she was pregnant and she never saw a reason to change her mind after that (thanks mum!)

My father blamed me for everything and everything that happened to my mother - she was upset, my fault: she was tired, my fault: she was ill, my fault etc

My (older) siblings joined in, and after they married so did one of the spouses - oh, and they trained their children to treat me like dirt too. So lucky to have such a wonderful family (not!)

I'm not sure about my father but the rest of my family are/were narcs - victim especially (although there's two grandiose, just to balance things out, ya know...!) Despite one of my siblings living abroad for 30 years it is my fault their life is the way it is.

Basically, for my entire family I couldn't do right for doing wrong. And they wonder why I'm estranged from them...

My mum had a sharp tongue, but it was just her way, I think.
I knew I was loved, so it didn't matter.

5boysnan55555

I cannot imagine why parents are spiteful to their own children.! I would like to know if anyone has any idea. I was made to feel small the naughty one snide remarks etc but kept well fed and clothed. I can still feel the bite of the tongue now ?

My mum learnt it from her own mother. My grandmother was a persistent liar, and deliberately set her daughters against one another by telling one ‘your sister said you were fat/stupid/ugly’ and then telling another ‘your sister hates you/thinks your husband is common/says your children are thick’. They all believed her and then there would be months of bitter sniping at one another over completely fictitious slights. My mother never lost the compulsion to score cruel points off her sisters and then, later, their children. Being spiteful to me was just more of the same, I think. Oddly enough, her brother and my brothers didn’t get any of that stuff.

I think that's one thing I am lucky with. They were both very proud of me, in my work life and my marriage, they adored their grandchildren, came on holiday with us, thought I had done really well living where I did. . We were very close. Mom died and didn't see how my life came tumbling down as the marriage broke up shortly after and h did a very good disappearing act that lasted until the children were married., I had three jobs to keep us going, with two young children and my father not coping with losing mom, life was challenging for a time and it woukdv have broken my mother's heart. At least they had those years and thought everything was fine though. They were brilliant parents.

Amusingly, a "Narc" in American, is a police informant. As in "Donald Trump has many Narcs on his staff.".

Sago I am with you. That's what I heard too. I'm over it now.

I know I was a great disappointment to my father when I got pregnant at 17. He had great hopes of me going to university - instead I left school in the 6th form and took up with a lad 6 years older than me with no prospects. I married but soon realised my mistakes but I had made my bed as they say! He was never unkind to me but I always knew his disappointment.

I cant remember any of this angst about the 11+.

I think I just said I didnt want to do it and that was it.

The 11+ seems to have a lot to answer for.
My dad was a grammar school boy, and I don’t think he doubted I’d follow in his footsteps, and when I didn’t he just lost interest in me.

A couple of years later I was invited to take the 13+ but I really wanted to stay where I was, I thought my dad would make me, but he didn’t, I imagine he couldn’t risk the shame of my failure twice.

I cannot imagine why parents are spiteful to their own children.! I would like to know if anyone has any idea. I was made to feel small the naughty one snide remarks etc but kept well fed and clothed. I can still feel the bite of the tongue now ?

So many very distressing posts. I think I must have been exceptionally lucky to have had wonderful parents and a fantastic childhood. I may never have been bought the pony I wanted but mum and dad were kind and caring. They never, ever put me under pressure to change the choices I made even though they probably wondered why I managed a degree and several post grad qualifications when I know mum would have been delighted if I had been a hairdresser or left school at 16 and worked in the local bank. They were endlessly supportive of me and my family. We may not have had a lot of money but there was so much love. I never felt I was a disappointment to them and thank my lucky stars they were my parents. Just wish they were still here.

I failed my 11 plus. I was never forgiven for that.

Sago

I grew up hearing the words”I rue the day you were born” I was always a disappointment.
My brother the golden child could do no wrong.

Thinking back to your comment on my recent post, I wonder if this has affected you in any way...

I was loved and felt safe and happy ,my parents had a really happy marriage I was the youngest of 3 and my mum always said I was the best of the 3.
It was a terrible shock when I got married and realised that my husband was nothing as considerate as my dad and just did what he wanted with no regard to my feelings .

My cousin wasn't allowed to go to college as her father said she only needed to work until she got a husband. Well that worked out fine, he turned out to be an alcoholic who eventually left her a young widow with 2 young children. She managed to get a half decent job until she went to Uni quite late in life. I am proud to say she is now a Dr. Her eldest brother wasn't allowed to do what he wanted as it was a girls job (a chef!), the second one has spent most of his working life on benefits due to severe mental health issues and the other one hasn't done much with his working life although he is lovely. I hope her Dad is proud of her now because he jolly well should be.

I had to follow my elder sister's footsteps. I could not ho to dan e lessons or piano 'cos she didn't like them. I actually have very good rhythm and wood loved dancing lessons. I wanted to ho to art school...was told ya not going there with all those hippies. I had to do shorthand and typing the same as my sister. Quite by accident I found a job with a graphic designer and trained as a paste up artist. I discovered in my late forties that I could sculpt. My tutor told me that I was a talented sculptor. I wonder what would have happened if my parents had let me follow my dream. I think I was a disappointment...my sister did so well.

I was an extreme disappointment! I was not born a boy. To start with I was clever at school, but then I got Scarlett Fever. After I recovered I found I could not concentrate at school, and became a failure. It wasn't until I was in my early 30s I discovered my hearing was impaired by the Scarlett Fever. When my parents died, I was never good enough.

My father a major disappointment to me, my mother tried.
Having to get married because of me and with his doubts about paternity, he moved between physical violence and constant insulting and belittling.
I became completely estranged from him but married a good man from a much higher class.
It’s amazing I ever found the confidence to become a classical singer and teacher, my upbringing certainly left me scarred and often catastrophising. Looking back, I sometimes wonder if counselling would have helped me through some of the difficulties I found myself in through insecurity. It’s rather late now and my adult life has brought so many joys.
I know the meaning of the word hate. I hated my father to his dying day and still do.

Sago

I grew up hearing the words”I rue the day you were born” I was always a disappointment.
My brother the golden child could do no wrong.

I hear and feel your pain. My children know I'm so very proud of them and love them to bits.

My parents were shocked I didn't pass the 11 plus

My mother was shocked that I did. Her reaction was 'you needn't think you're better than everyone else because you're going to the grammar school' - she went to a grammar school herself, as did my aunt. I think she was intimidated because the building was old and huge and gorgeous and the uniform very distinctive. She spent days trying to convince my father that they couldn't afford the uniform. My dad was pleased, he had a great respect for education. He gave me a hug for doing well and insisted that I went.

I was a disappointment to my mother from the word go. When I was born, my siblings were already adults and basically my mum and dad blew it by having me and she always treated me as if it was my fault that she had ruined the rest of her life! Added to that, if you are going to have a girl, have a pretty, feminine one. Not me. Or one who could pass the eleven plus. Not me. Or one who having left secretarial college, would get a job and contribute to the household income. I joined the Army, where I did very well (my father, at least, rejoiced at every promotion). The only thing my mother rejoiced in was the fact that I persuaded some poor chap to marry me, produced children and having done so, actually knew what to do with them!

Inishowen
Same here, didn’t occur to them I might fail.
It was made worse by the fact that my cousin, who they had always thought of as rather dim passed.