Were you a disappointment to your parents ?

Taichinan

My mother told me that she didn't want another child, was pleased when she thought she'd had a miscarriage and was really fed up when she discovered she was still pregnant after all!!! I didn't stand a chance! Nothing I did was ever good enough - though she relented a bit when I "married well". I never felt close to her for some reason .

Mine too. She already had a boy and a girl and I came along and ruined it. She told me she had tried gin, hot baths and all sorts to try and get rid of me.
The only time I was ever praised was when I passed the 11+ and she could tell the family and neighbours. That novelty soon wore off though.

Disappointment to
Myself !

My mother had to be more perfect than anyone else. She was critical and sarcastic about everyone else’s shortcomings and I always felt I was a disappointment to her. I talked late so was stupid. I had straight hair and a squint so was plain.
I married the wrong man and our children were not geniuses or wonderfully gifted so they were a disappointment to her too.

EBear I'm so sorry keep fighting it

Aussiegran I think my mother knew, I can't prove it in my case. But you deserved so much better and she should have gone to prison for that.

AussieGran59, I have no words but I am incensed on your behalf.

Oh VioletSky I too have that voice in my head. I was a constant disappointment to my mother her constantly saying ‘you’re only here because your father wanted you’ . I have a lovely family who know how much I love them and how wanted they were.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

My parents were good people who loved me and my sister and took care of us well. My dad died when I was a young child; yes, things changed for all of us and very much affected the way our mom was toward us. Her life hadn't been very easy before my dad's death; it was far more difficult to carry some of those burdens as a grieving widow with two children who didn't ever (and would never) quite measure up to her vision, the neighbors', the children of family friends, etc. (No, my sister and I were not resilient enough to deal with this in healthy ways; but, as a parent, I can't even imagine how hard all must have been for my mom.) But, she encouraged us--smart, kind women who are good people but not excessively impressive at anything except being ourselves--supported us; prayed for us; taught us good things; formed us into responsible; contributing people; provided the best she could; forgave us; loved us and loved our husbands and children. She was affectionate with us, faithful, kind about me living far away, thoughtful, and concerned. It was just unfortunate and confusing--and crushing--that every couple of years or whenever she could possibly work it into conversation, she would say quite seriously and so sincerely say, "If I had it all to over again, I never would've had children".

Gabrielle56 it's a lot to take fully onto your shoulders, I wasn't perfect either but I did want to fix the relationship and I did take responsibility for my own faults too, still am now.

Were you able to reconcile?

Yes! Too complex and long to go into. There are three truthes that underpin my childhood.

They are, the reasons for my birth: to look after mom in her old age. As my late father was 13 years older than my mom and so were her family. My grandma was 44 when mom was born.

Then there is the matter of the my two half brothers on my father side who were kept from me until I was 35.

My late father was abusive as well. Mom couldn't leave him because of her upbringing. Ladies do not do that. Most certainly not with a child.

Consequently, I was fearful, sensitive child who didn't feel I fitted. As I got older I acted out. I didn't follow the family line. Its called Family Secrets: what you don't know can hurt you.

I recreated my childhood in adulthood. I was 40 before we finally fled. We walked the fires of hell with the aftermath.

Only then I started to get the help I didn't know I needed.

I did/do love my late mom very much. My father died when I was 18. No loss.

So no I didn't live up to what was expected of me and its no surprise now I look back.

I have a good life today. Over thr last 20 years I have found the peace and serenity I didn't know I needed and happily remarried

Yes. I was supposed to be a boy and they never really forgave me.

VioletSky

As a person who estranged after I explained exactly what behaviours were hurting me and then offered joint counselling only for my mother to laugh in my face...

The reason I know she still "wonders" is because despite all the ways I variously block her, she sets up new profiles on things to occasionally pop up and tell me what a cruel horrible person I am and how she doesn't understand why I would estrange her...

It's a narcissist thing from what I have learned, they victimise others while seeing themselves as the real victim because they can't handle having their own bad behaviour pointed out and just think you are mean for doing it.

I 100% agree with you on this and I'M the estranged mother!! I took ages to get my thick head around the reason-and it was mostly ME! Thanks for putting this into words , it's so true and quite cathartic to hear someone else iterate the truth that my DS knew all along but I was too inward facing to see!

No.then yes. Then no. Then yes for long time.then dunno?!
I was 2nd adopted girl mainly I suspect as a playmate for their darling chubby spoilt #1(in every way) girl. Unfortunately I didn't look/act/perform anything like they wished. I was quick witted clever dead funny and oh so much smarter than both sis and ma.Pa decided to look after me when I have found out that the idea of "returning" me was on cards, he couldn't stomach that for me.however he was not dad material! Parents watched In Awe as I excelled at all endeavours bar sport and ended up at grammar school .downside? I was groomed and abused at 14 by much older male it really ruined my chances in life, I had been desperate to find love and affection somewhere and as happens, predators wait in shadows for just such prey. Any road up I left school at 14 then worked my whole life and they were bit pleased I hadn't ended up either on the game or with about 10 kids living in squalor (Ma thought that's what happened if you didn't get some o levels....) I did very well for myself and eventually married my non related cousin!! We're ok together and known each other all our lives so shared skeletons! I don't care that my parents were incapable of loving 2 kids at same time, I never loved them either and sister was so dreadful to me I hated her with a vengeance especially when she tried conning me out of £20k worth of dad's shares when he died(failed that) it doesn't matter what parents think of kids, they've had their lives and kids must realise they're not their parents! I love my DS#1&#2 equally but my experiences made me a bad Ma.i regret not realising earlier that I'm my own Person and that I can do things MY way . disapproval means jealousy.simple fact.

No, our parents were always quite poor and were just happy that we all managed to get jobs and make a good life for ouselves. In those days parents were nervous about going to see teachers and did not have the knowledge to help with homework etc. I think they felt we all did well under the circumstances.

As a person who estranged after I explained exactly what behaviours were hurting me and then offered joint counselling only for my mother to laugh in my face...

The reason I know she still "wonders" is because despite all the ways I variously block her, she sets up new profiles on things to occasionally pop up and tell me what a cruel horrible person I am and how she doesn't understand why I would estrange her...

It's a narcissist thing from what I have learned, they victimise others while seeing themselves as the real victim because they can't handle having their own bad behaviour pointed out and just think you are mean for doing it.

Yes. I failed the 11+ and I think they gave up on me then. Then I married the wrong man (another 11+ failure).
I did eventually gain an OU degree in my 40s and then a profession one through training to be an occupational therapist, followed by a number of post grad qualifications.
My father died before I graduated but my mother was able to, eventually and grudgingly, recognise my educational achievements and my long marriage.

If you’re estranged, surely it’s not possible for you to know what they “wonder”?

Maybe they are still in contact with friends of the family? I am estranged from my father, who knows exactly why I estranged him, but I hear about him from friends. He still thinks, as a convicted paedophile, that he is a good man who made a bad mistake! We've been estranged for several years but people who know me let me know there is no change there!

ourjude

I was on a hiding to nothing from the very start - apparently I was a mistake from the moment my mother found out she was pregnant and she never saw a reason to change her mind after that (thanks mum!)

My father blamed me for everything and everything that happened to my mother - she was upset, my fault: she was tired, my fault: she was ill, my fault etc

My (older) siblings joined in, and after they married so did one of the spouses - oh, and they trained their children to treat me like dirt too. So lucky to have such a wonderful family (not!)

I'm not sure about my father but the rest of my family are/were narcs - victim especially (although there's two grandiose, just to balance things out, ya know...!) Despite one of my siblings living abroad for 30 years it is my fault their life is the way it is.

Basically, for my entire family I couldn't do right for doing wrong. And they wonder why I'm estranged from them...

If you’re estranged, surely it’s not possible for you to know what they “wonder”?

My mother told me that she didn't want another child, was pleased when she thought she'd had a miscarriage and was really fed up when she discovered she was still pregnant after all!!! I didn't stand a chance! Nothing I did was ever good enough - though she relented a bit when I "married well". I never felt close to her for some reason .

Always have been, always will be.

Cornergran I too was the wrong sex, as my Mother desperately wanted a son and reminded me regularly that she was really upset to have a girl. Also, I was a surprise, and my parents were different people once the war was over. I'm sure they would have parted had I not been born. That said, they wre not unkind, but I always felt I was a little in the way, and not the right child.

I think I was on one hand because I never stayed in a job more than a few years which was unusual in the 'olden days'. But saying that I had some fantastic jobs which I thoroughly enjoyed - and which came in handy when dealing with a wide range of people over the years. My mantra is 'no experience is ever wasted' and my parents were interested in the opportunities I had.

Froglady/Cornergran
I understand the terrible loss my parents faced, and looking back I think there was something wrong with my mother, she seemed to have no feelings for me at all.
I understand the pain they went through, but it wasn’t my fault.

No is my answer, or at least I do not think so. They were not expecting me to be a high flyer in any case. They believed in a good education and working hard in life, but this at least I was able to do. They were good kind people.
perhaps all parents are to some extent disappointed with their children and their choices of job, husband or wife or anything else but a good parent will not show this.
I am sorry to see that members here still feel anguish at their parents and what was said or done, it shows how long these matters take to get over.

cornergran

I suspect I did. I was the wrong gender I think and could never replace the still born son. Having said that both parents were loving and did all they could for me, an undercurrent of sadness was always there though.

My God, the first bit is exactly my story. There were 2 girls, then a still born son, and then me. My family had only intended having 3 children so I wouldn't have been born if the boy had lived.
I tried so hard to make up for being yet another female; I know that it wasn't my fault but I never felt right and I always felt that I was forever trying to make up for my mistake. I also knew that I could never do that but never gave up trying.