Were you a disappointment to your parents ?

From the late Philip Larkin, he was head librarian at Hull University and a real character, he is still fondly remembered and has a statue in his memory at Paragon Station;

This Be The Verse
BY PHILIP LARKIN
They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another’s throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don’t have any kids yourself.

Icanhandthemback
Thanks for the explanation, I never really knew what it meant, but secretly hoped it meant I might be put in a childrens home.

Chewbacca
^I think the words I heard most frequently were
‘You’ll be made a ward of court’^

Sara1954, that bought back a memory! We were told we were wards of court after a particularly nasty divorce battle where my Dad snatched us in the middle of the night. It was explained to us that it meant that the court could take us into care at any time if our mother couldn't make us behave! It was only a couple of years ago, when I happened upon the divorce paperwork, that I realised it was all lies! Lies that terrified us.

I've always felt I was a disappointment to my mother as I left school with less than the required (by her) 5 O levels, I didn't get a distinction in my OND and even when I got a 2:1 in my degree it was in education. What is wrong with that? Her father's side of the family did not rate teachers because they thought people who couldn't "do" chose to teach! Even worse, I wouldn't work in their family business which meant I wouldn't inherit it.

I was a ragbag in the way I dressed (my sister could wear anything, Darling and get away with it), I was too fat and didn't have a waist whereas my sister had a lovely figure.

However, my sister who was always golden girl feels that she couldn't do enough either so I suspect we were played off against one another.

As for my biological father, he was disappointed in me because I reminded him of my mother. I gave him no reason to think so (I hope) but I wouldn't put up with his bullsh*t so the fact that I truly care about people, do what I say I will do, try to be kind and actively try not to be like my mother meant nothing to him.

Thanks Floradora9 for such an interesting thread. My father had high expectations, was disappointed with each child, and was emotionally and physically abusive. Showing off was rude and belittling any achievements the norm. The fact that I was 5 months pregnant when I got married made me secretly smile as he was so mortified. Can relate to lots that has been said here. Glad the hear about the happier stories. After my childhood experiences I made sure I wasn’t going to repeat that and life has been much better.

My parents were very proud of myself and my 2 brothers . DM and D F both born before the war and left school at 14. They always had low paid jobs . DB1 passed the eleven plus , decided to go to a comprehensive school then did an engineering apprenticeship at Fords car factory . Worked there all his life on decent pay . DB2 passed his eleven plus , went to grammar school , did an engineering apprenticeship at Fords car factory . He then went on to do a degree in engineering and taught for the rest of his career.
I also passed the eleven plus and went to a grammar school which I hated cos I was totally out of my class and felt beneath all my classmates . Was hopeless in my exams . I ended in an office job at 18 . I married young and quickly had 3 children. In my mid thirties I did an entrance exam to get into nursing . Apparently this was an IQ test on which I scored 140 . No one was more amazed than me . I went on to train as a nurse and retired 10 years ago . My father especially was so proud of all of us . Both my parents were very clever they just didn’t get the opportunity that we did .

Yes, I have never been as religious as they would have liked.

Coco51

Same here
My parents demanded my future husband to sign a prenup "to protect the family assets", after all, if he didn't sign, it would show he didn't want me for me, right?

They even had a document drafted by a lawyer and expected my sister and groom to sign it.

Got so offended my sister stood up to them and said no.

Delirious of grandeur about the family assets, as if we are talking about a historical family with castles and trust funds.... smh

Definitely. My mother doted on her sons. She didn’t like me and it was obvious. People commented on it. She made my life a misery, trying to force me to leave school early “you don’t need an education, you’re just going to be a housewife”. Etc etc. she was horrible.

My dad had a poor upbringing. Sent to Dr Barnardo's age 9 and then sent abroad to work. Returned to UK as a young man, married mum and became a lovely dad. We were never particularly demonstrative in our family. But we knew and felt we were loved.

Yes.

Was told I was a Dissapointed t from the age of 3 was adopted and had a horrible life.was the oldest and told and expected that I was to be a mum and do everything cook clean and look after other siblings who were there’s as I was also reminded on a daily basis . No matter what I have achieved in life I’ve done this good or bad all on my own been the happiest I’ve ever been in the last 20 years. Still going strong

i don't think so.
passed my 11+ and went to grammar school, left at 16 to go to college to learn shorthand and typing.
i married at 22 and had the first of my two children at 23 ... a daughter and my mum always preferred girls!
i did a degree, part-time, at 47 and i know my parents were very proud of me as nobody else in my family had done a degree!!
i might have disappointed them by leaving my husband around the same time but i think they thought that i would be better living on my own than be unhappily married.

I was….to my Dad not my Mum though. I was the apple of my Dad’s eye apparently until my sister was born 3 years later. He had big ambitions for her and wanted her to be a Doctor (she isn’t). He was only interested in promotion at work so I’d just get settled at school and we’d be off to a different part of the country! I was at a school for 3 years with a language lab (I was good at languages) and had set my sights on doing languages at Uni and becoming an Interpreter. Then we moved…..again! Needless to say it all went pear shaped as school wasn’t as good and I never did become an Interpreter. He always found fault with me. I was devastated when my Mum died in 2014 but couldn’t shed a tear when he passed away 2 years later. I’m still very bitter about the way he treated me but haven’t let it ruin who I am.

Yes my dad I wasn’t he totally adored me. Now my mother she always used to say to me if it wasn’t for you I’d never have had to get married to your dad. So between her and her mother I got it drummed if it wasn’t for you. Now my two bros golden boys well the difference in treatment. After death of my dad it got worse and I walked away that’s over 25yrs. My dads family were all there for me till they died. She’s never even tried with my kids but she dotted my brothers and funny my brother kid is gay no kids. I’ve got 5 grandkids that they will never have anything to do with. Yes I did try with her after my dad death and that was a shut door. Some ppl don’t deserve kids

It’s amazing how many mothers held up cousins or other people as examples of how much better than their own children they were.

When I was a young teenager my Dad once came back from my uncle's house and asked me why I didn't have a proper bust, like my cousin who was the same age as me ☹️

Yes I think I probably was. I was the elder daughter, the plain and clever one. I went to college but got married and had a baby directly I graduated. What they expected of me I don’t know, but I always felt that whatever it was I had failed to give it.

i was the eldest and had 3 half sibling, i reminded her of my dad, i had to leave the house when i was 13 as my stepdad tried to abuse me, i was told at 18 i could not have childen...so in her eyes i was not a real woman, i fell pregnant at 22, total shock for me and my husband and she said i only did that because my sister had a baby a year earlier, i don't love her but need to end every phone call with love you, i never did any further education, i worked in shops all my life, i am a people person, but to her i have wasted my life, strange thing is i stopped loving her a long time ago.

I was always compared to my brothers who could do no wrong and told that I was the stupid one, even tho I went on to have a successful career with a family who I told every day that I loved them. I have little to no contact with my parents and brothers but Im happy and proud to have raised happy children and to see them with their children, I feel I have broken that cycle of abuse

I was an only child, born after 10 years of marriage and multiple miscarriages. Always felt very loved and supported in all I did. I'm so sad for those of you who have had difficult upbringings.

And another thing, when I met my OH she said “He might be after your house” Never the thought that I was attractive enough for someone who might like me for myself.

My parents were so proud of what I achieved. I left school after failing my Maths higher. Passed all my other exams no problem. Got a job in a bank. Got married and had two beautiful children. Went back to work in a different bank after 7 years at home with my children. Worked my way up in bank. Through sales/ management etc.Workrd there for 25 years. Sadly my father died early and my Mum died 11 years ago. I believe they would still be proud of me. They didn’t always agree with my choices!

To my mother, nothing was ever good enough - she made me so obese at the age of 4 the doctors considered taking me into hospital. It continued - at 6 I was 6 stone. By 14 I tried to get my weight down, but she would grab my midriff and pinch it every time I saw her. Even as an adult when I hot an honours degree with OU she said ‘They’ say OU degrees are not as good as others…

I was the apple of my dad's eye ... until my brother came along! Then, the son and heir that would carry on the family name became top dog and I was relegated to being the daughter whose sole job it was to get married, look after a house and produce grandchildren. I was loved, but never felt valued.

Sorry to hear Sago and VioletSky that you had such awful experiences.

My mother, in her cups, when I was about 11, told me why and when she had manoeuvred conception of two of us - for her own purposes.

I have had a wonderful working life, held some lovely roles and had jobs I thoroughly enjoyed. ME and LC have cut it short but I regret nothing.

I once told my mother how much I earned - a very substantial salary in a senior job. She said, 'Is that all?'. I never told her anything like that again. It was deliberately belittling.