Were you a disappointment to your parents ?

Hithere
They are the losers, we are alright, we are resilient, I spent many years thinking everything was my fault, not any more, I’ll willingly take some of the blame, golden child I certainly was not, I know now my mother is not a good woman, and she was a pretty poor mother, but it’s in the past, and I can laugh about it now.

Parents sure have a lot to answer for, it seems.
I never realised just how many behaved like that.

Disappointment not at all
I was an embarrassment

I wasn't a boy
I wasn't thin enough, outgoing enough, pretty enough, lady like enough

Why couldn't I be like X as she was the best student
Why couldn't I be like Z, great athlete
Look at Y, she is so pretty and feminine

Etc

My dad was the best ever dad when I was little, much more hands on than most fathers of the time.

But illness dragged him down, I think he was sick to death of the conflict between me and my mother, he would take himself off on his long walks, or down his club.

I feel a bit sad that I stopped accompanying him on his walks, I don’t think he had much if a life.

Narcissistic mothers:

H.mmm I suppose ‘I never wanted any of you’ is much the same as I rue the day you were born. So, yes, Sago, they’d learnt the script.

Sago

So interesting to hear the phrases that “narc” mothers come out with, I almost think they have some kind of innate script.
“I rue the day you were born”
“You’ll amount to nothing”
“Nobody’s looking at you”
“You’ll end up in the gutter”
“***** has more sense in their little finger than you’ve got in your thick head”
There are many more, I could not dream of saying any of these things to my wonderful children or grandchildren.
It’s so very sad.

Except for the ‘rue’ one I’ve heard all the others, or versions of, from both my parents. Happy days!

So interesting to hear the phrases that “narc” mothers come out with, I almost think they have some kind of innate script.
“I rue the day you were born”
“You’ll amount to nothing”
“Nobody’s looking at you”
“You’ll end up in the gutter”
“***** has more sense in their little finger than you’ve got in your thick head”
There are many more, I could not dream of saying any of these things to my wonderful children or grandchildren.
It’s so very sad.

I was a honeymoon baby ?, seems my mum was terrified I would arrive early , I think it did colour her view of me

Yes, definitely a disappointment to my father to whom educational achievement was everything. I was ok and loved arts subjects but was told if I wanted to go to university I could only study to be a doctor or vet, and I tried in these subjects but wasn’t really capable of the A level subjects needed.

2 brother also weren’t academically gifted either but 16 years later, along came golden girl younger sister who eventually went to Cambridge and studied Archaeology and Anthropology, my ideal subject. She was their everything.

Miss my fathers presence (he died 6 years ago) but don’t mourn his loss. My mother likes me know she is 90 and I do running around after her ( as I ‘have the time now I’m retired) golden girl does take her out for lunch from time to time.

So yes, I’m a disappointment to them. But my grandmother adored me and I miss and mourn her loss every day.

We’ll I don’t know who you think you are, no one is interested in anything you’ve got to say

A close version Sara1954; mine was "Who do you think you are?" "You've got big ideas for yourself, you have." "I don't know why you think any one will be looking at you, you're nothing special."

It doesn't matter now; long since ceased to have any effect and I wouldn't have thought of it today if ”I rue the day you were born. hadn't leapt out at me!

Childhood was fine, my parents were strict but I knew they loved me. This was despite being estranged from most of their own families due to me being illegitimate and adopted. Things changed when at 21 I was pregnant and unmarried. My father had died by this time, my mother was appalled and mostly concerned about what the neighbours and people at Chapel would say. We did eventually make our peace and she loved her granddaughter.

I could do no right and everything I did was criticised.
I once came second to a boy in a maths test: "Why did you let him beat you?"
My brother did his own thing and largely ignored them.
My sister (youngest) was the golden child who could do no wrong.

I wanted to join the WRNS but that was dismissed: "You'll end up married to a sailor and he'll be away all the time."
I gave up and stopped trying, stopped caring.
I left as soon as I could to start a degree course I had no interest in, purely as a way to leave home; I met my husband who was on the same course under the same circumstances.

We have three children and it wasn't until I met other young mums that I realised not everyone was cross with their children all the time. That was a steep learning curve for me.

We have just celebrated our 45th wedding anniversary. We've worked hard and are happy with what we have achieved. No regrets.

Chewbacca
You make me smile
Did you used to get
‘We’ll I don’t know who you think you are, no one is interested in anything you’ve got to say’

What a huge relief it was when I left home and I could be myself without the constant bullying and harassment. I never looked back and managed to get on ok with my Mum who stepped back and concentrated on bullying my Dad instead.

When I was about 12 I was invited to a school friends birthday party. I didn't know anyone well as we had just moved there and told my mother I didn't want to go - expecting to be told 'Of course you do - you'll have a lovely time and make new friends'. What she actually said was 'Well don't go then, no one will notice you're not there'. It stayed with me all my life, leaving me feeling invisible.

My father was quite detached so might have been - or not.

My mother was proud of some things I did but only if she was able to show off about them. I passed my 11+ and woe betide me if I didn't wear my hat ALL the way home from school so people could see me.

Similarly, I married a 'professional' man (very good) bur let the side down by not dressing as befits the wife of a professional man and compounding it by having 5 children.

Though she took great pride in her 6 great grand children - from the embarrassing 5 children I produced.

I was their golden girl I couldn't do anything wrong, I had a great relationship with both my parents.

It is so sad to hear of people not being happy with their parents. I'm afraid I took my happy childhood for granted and loved my parents. They allowed me to make my own choices and always supported me. I moved a distance away and I'm sure they must have missed me but they never showed it. Now that my own family live far away I know how my parents must have felt but they never made me feel guilty and I try to extend the same courtesy to my offspring.

My mum used to say that, too.
Showing off was strictly prohibited.

Everything was showing off

And God forbid if you were ever caught looking in a mirror; "Who do you think is going to be looking at you?"

Maria
Oh yes, showing off!
Everything was showing off, having an opinion that wasn’t theirs was showing off.
Telling them I’d had a good mark at school was showing off
Getting a part in the school play was showing off.
I could go on, but obviously I spent most of my childhood showing off.

Absolutely to my mum. She is a narc so very jealous if I did anything more than she had done any success was dismissed as showing off. I finally broke ties in my early 30s and without the constant negativity I flourished and have done incredibly well. I feel sorry for her that she can't acknowledge it.

What sad stories some of you have to tell.
I was born after my parents had been married for 9 years, and thought that they could not have children. Both my parents loved us dearly. I had a brother 2 1/2 years younger than me.
They encouraged us, and although money was tight, they were inventive.
I can't begin to think how I would have survived without their love.
Hope it's made me a good mum to our 3.

To my mother, yes. All she wanted was a pretty little girl (I was tall, lanky and not very pretty) who stayed close by, got married and had lots of children. She wasn't in the least bit interested in academic or work successes. She was the reason I left home at 18, when I finally realised that until I got married and gave her some more grandchildren (she already had 7, now has 13) and moved back to where she had access to them I would never be of interest to her.