Were you a disappointment to your parents ?

The 11+ seems to have a lot to answer for.
My dad was a grammar school boy, and I don’t think he doubted I’d follow in his footsteps, and when I didn’t he just lost interest in me.

A couple of years later I was invited to take the 13+ but I really wanted to stay where I was, I thought my dad would make me, but he didn’t, I imagine he couldn’t risk the shame of my failure twice.

I cant remember any of this angst about the 11+.

I think I just said I didnt want to do it and that was it.

I know I was a great disappointment to my father when I got pregnant at 17. He had great hopes of me going to university - instead I left school in the 6th form and took up with a lad 6 years older than me with no prospects. I married but soon realised my mistakes but I had made my bed as they say! He was never unkind to me but I always knew his disappointment.

Sago I am with you. That's what I heard too. I'm over it now.

Amusingly, a "Narc" in American, is a police informant. As in "Donald Trump has many Narcs on his staff.".

I think that's one thing I am lucky with. They were both very proud of me, in my work life and my marriage, they adored their grandchildren, came on holiday with us, thought I had done really well living where I did. . We were very close. Mom died and didn't see how my life came tumbling down as the marriage broke up shortly after and h did a very good disappearing act that lasted until the children were married., I had three jobs to keep us going, with two young children and my father not coping with losing mom, life was challenging for a time and it woukdv have broken my mother's heart. At least they had those years and thought everything was fine though. They were brilliant parents.

5boysnan55555

I cannot imagine why parents are spiteful to their own children.! I would like to know if anyone has any idea. I was made to feel small the naughty one snide remarks etc but kept well fed and clothed. I can still feel the bite of the tongue now ?

My mum learnt it from her own mother. My grandmother was a persistent liar, and deliberately set her daughters against one another by telling one ‘your sister said you were fat/stupid/ugly’ and then telling another ‘your sister hates you/thinks your husband is common/says your children are thick’. They all believed her and then there would be months of bitter sniping at one another over completely fictitious slights. My mother never lost the compulsion to score cruel points off her sisters and then, later, their children. Being spiteful to me was just more of the same, I think. Oddly enough, her brother and my brothers didn’t get any of that stuff.

My mum had a sharp tongue, but it was just her way, I think.
I knew I was loved, so it didn't matter.

I was on a hiding to nothing from the very start - apparently I was a mistake from the moment my mother found out she was pregnant and she never saw a reason to change her mind after that (thanks mum!)

My father blamed me for everything and everything that happened to my mother - she was upset, my fault: she was tired, my fault: she was ill, my fault etc

My (older) siblings joined in, and after they married so did one of the spouses - oh, and they trained their children to treat me like dirt too. So lucky to have such a wonderful family (not!)

I'm not sure about my father but the rest of my family are/were narcs - victim especially (although there's two grandiose, just to balance things out, ya know...!) Despite one of my siblings living abroad for 30 years it is my fault their life is the way it is.

Basically, for my entire family I couldn't do right for doing wrong. And they wonder why I'm estranged from them...

My mother was very disappointed when I dtopped out of university. The sense of failure has never left me, though she was proud of me when I did my degree many years later. She brought me up to 'remember that other people are better than you.' As a mother, I could not come up to her standards and capabilities or that of other mums my age. I look back at my school reports and realise how much potential I had, and also, ftom the few photos taken, that I was quite beautiful and never knew it.

SueEH

henetha

Yes definitely. I was adopted and never lived up to expectations. I think I was a huge disappointment.

Me also Henetha.
The sun shone out of my brother’s backside (their natural son) and I always felt inadequate. But 40 years on my brother treated them very badly and my mother died after not having seen him for over ten years. The one thing I did better than him was to give them grandchildren. However I feel very bitter as there should have been be someone else helping me to look after our parents. I’m now trying to manage my 93 year old dad who lives 100 miles away and it’s no fun at all.

Gosh, I can't believe that so many of you had parents who were you thought were disappointed in you and you in them. I know my perspective of looking at things, of growing up differs from my sisters. I wasn't the golden child, if there was a favourite I don't know who. I dug my heels in and got my way by not going yo the school they chose,they were right by the way, yes they were disappointed in my stance, but they treated me no differently, no I told you so. I always let the small things go. I can only think that people that are disappointed in their children, either did not want them or there is a character clash, like a child bring extra needy and over sensitive about everything with lots of dramas. No one coukd stand test year in and year out without getting deforested. Some can start a fight in an empty room, that goes for mothers and daughters, the high maintenance daughter then becomes that disappointed mother, same with sons. Childhood for lots seems to be a miserable place. Better not to have a child than an unwanted one.

I felt my parents disappointment many times.
I wasn't studious and I didn't go to uni.
And my first marriage was to someone of a different race/colour. My parents came to love him in the end though. Then they were disappointed that we got divorced.

cornergran

I suspect I did. I was the wrong gender I think and could never replace the still born son. Having said that both parents were loving and did all they could for me, an undercurrent of sadness was always there though.

My God, the first bit is exactly my story. There were 2 girls, then a still born son, and then me. My family had only intended having 3 children so I wouldn't have been born if the boy had lived.
I tried so hard to make up for being yet another female; I know that it wasn't my fault but I never felt right and I always felt that I was forever trying to make up for my mistake. I also knew that I could never do that but never gave up trying.

No is my answer, or at least I do not think so. They were not expecting me to be a high flyer in any case. They believed in a good education and working hard in life, but this at least I was able to do. They were good kind people.
perhaps all parents are to some extent disappointed with their children and their choices of job, husband or wife or anything else but a good parent will not show this.
I am sorry to see that members here still feel anguish at their parents and what was said or done, it shows how long these matters take to get over.

Froglady/Cornergran
I understand the terrible loss my parents faced, and looking back I think there was something wrong with my mother, she seemed to have no feelings for me at all.
I understand the pain they went through, but it wasn’t my fault.

I think I was on one hand because I never stayed in a job more than a few years which was unusual in the 'olden days'. But saying that I had some fantastic jobs which I thoroughly enjoyed - and which came in handy when dealing with a wide range of people over the years. My mantra is 'no experience is ever wasted' and my parents were interested in the opportunities I had.

Cornergran I too was the wrong sex, as my Mother desperately wanted a son and reminded me regularly that she was really upset to have a girl. Also, I was a surprise, and my parents were different people once the war was over. I'm sure they would have parted had I not been born. That said, they wre not unkind, but I always felt I was a little in the way, and not the right child.

Always have been, always will be.

My mother told me that she didn't want another child, was pleased when she thought she'd had a miscarriage and was really fed up when she discovered she was still pregnant after all!!! I didn't stand a chance! Nothing I did was ever good enough - though she relented a bit when I "married well". I never felt close to her for some reason .

ourjude

I was on a hiding to nothing from the very start - apparently I was a mistake from the moment my mother found out she was pregnant and she never saw a reason to change her mind after that (thanks mum!)

My father blamed me for everything and everything that happened to my mother - she was upset, my fault: she was tired, my fault: she was ill, my fault etc

My (older) siblings joined in, and after they married so did one of the spouses - oh, and they trained their children to treat me like dirt too. So lucky to have such a wonderful family (not!)

I'm not sure about my father but the rest of my family are/were narcs - victim especially (although there's two grandiose, just to balance things out, ya know...!) Despite one of my siblings living abroad for 30 years it is my fault their life is the way it is.

Basically, for my entire family I couldn't do right for doing wrong. And they wonder why I'm estranged from them...

If you’re estranged, surely it’s not possible for you to know what they “wonder”?

If you’re estranged, surely it’s not possible for you to know what they “wonder”?

Maybe they are still in contact with friends of the family? I am estranged from my father, who knows exactly why I estranged him, but I hear about him from friends. He still thinks, as a convicted paedophile, that he is a good man who made a bad mistake! We've been estranged for several years but people who know me let me know there is no change there!

Yes. I failed the 11+ and I think they gave up on me then. Then I married the wrong man (another 11+ failure).
I did eventually gain an OU degree in my 40s and then a profession one through training to be an occupational therapist, followed by a number of post grad qualifications.
My father died before I graduated but my mother was able to, eventually and grudgingly, recognise my educational achievements and my long marriage.

As a person who estranged after I explained exactly what behaviours were hurting me and then offered joint counselling only for my mother to laugh in my face...

The reason I know she still "wonders" is because despite all the ways I variously block her, she sets up new profiles on things to occasionally pop up and tell me what a cruel horrible person I am and how she doesn't understand why I would estrange her...

It's a narcissist thing from what I have learned, they victimise others while seeing themselves as the real victim because they can't handle having their own bad behaviour pointed out and just think you are mean for doing it.

No, our parents were always quite poor and were just happy that we all managed to get jobs and make a good life for ouselves. In those days parents were nervous about going to see teachers and did not have the knowledge to help with homework etc. I think they felt we all did well under the circumstances.

No.then yes. Then no. Then yes for long time.then dunno?!
I was 2nd adopted girl mainly I suspect as a playmate for their darling chubby spoilt #1(in every way) girl. Unfortunately I didn't look/act/perform anything like they wished. I was quick witted clever dead funny and oh so much smarter than both sis and ma.Pa decided to look after me when I have found out that the idea of "returning" me was on cards, he couldn't stomach that for me.however he was not dad material! Parents watched In Awe as I excelled at all endeavours bar sport and ended up at grammar school .downside? I was groomed and abused at 14 by much older male it really ruined my chances in life, I had been desperate to find love and affection somewhere and as happens, predators wait in shadows for just such prey. Any road up I left school at 14 then worked my whole life and they were bit pleased I hadn't ended up either on the game or with about 10 kids living in squalor (Ma thought that's what happened if you didn't get some o levels....) I did very well for myself and eventually married my non related cousin!! We're ok together and known each other all our lives so shared skeletons! I don't care that my parents were incapable of loving 2 kids at same time, I never loved them either and sister was so dreadful to me I hated her with a vengeance especially when she tried conning me out of £20k worth of dad's shares when he died(failed that) it doesn't matter what parents think of kids, they've had their lives and kids must realise they're not their parents! I love my DS#1&#2 equally but my experiences made me a bad Ma.i regret not realising earlier that I'm my own Person and that I can do things MY way . disapproval means jealousy.simple fact.