Were you a disappointment to your parents ?

VioletSky

As a person who estranged after I explained exactly what behaviours were hurting me and then offered joint counselling only for my mother to laugh in my face...

The reason I know she still "wonders" is because despite all the ways I variously block her, she sets up new profiles on things to occasionally pop up and tell me what a cruel horrible person I am and how she doesn't understand why I would estrange her...

It's a narcissist thing from what I have learned, they victimise others while seeing themselves as the real victim because they can't handle having their own bad behaviour pointed out and just think you are mean for doing it.

I 100% agree with you on this and I'M the estranged mother!! I took ages to get my thick head around the reason-and it was mostly ME! Thanks for putting this into words , it's so true and quite cathartic to hear someone else iterate the truth that my DS knew all along but I was too inward facing to see!

Yes. I was supposed to be a boy and they never really forgave me.

Yes! Too complex and long to go into. There are three truthes that underpin my childhood.

They are, the reasons for my birth: to look after mom in her old age. As my late father was 13 years older than my mom and so were her family. My grandma was 44 when mom was born.

Then there is the matter of the my two half brothers on my father side who were kept from me until I was 35.

My late father was abusive as well. Mom couldn't leave him because of her upbringing. Ladies do not do that. Most certainly not with a child.

Consequently, I was fearful, sensitive child who didn't feel I fitted. As I got older I acted out. I didn't follow the family line. Its called Family Secrets: what you don't know can hurt you.

I recreated my childhood in adulthood. I was 40 before we finally fled. We walked the fires of hell with the aftermath.

Only then I started to get the help I didn't know I needed.

I did/do love my late mom very much. My father died when I was 18. No loss.

So no I didn't live up to what was expected of me and its no surprise now I look back.

I have a good life today. Over thr last 20 years I have found the peace and serenity I didn't know I needed and happily remarried

Gabrielle56 it's a lot to take fully onto your shoulders, I wasn't perfect either but I did want to fix the relationship and I did take responsibility for my own faults too, still am now.

Were you able to reconcile?

My parents were good people who loved me and my sister and took care of us well. My dad died when I was a young child; yes, things changed for all of us and very much affected the way our mom was toward us. Her life hadn't been very easy before my dad's death; it was far more difficult to carry some of those burdens as a grieving widow with two children who didn't ever (and would never) quite measure up to her vision, the neighbors', the children of family friends, etc. (No, my sister and I were not resilient enough to deal with this in healthy ways; but, as a parent, I can't even imagine how hard all must have been for my mom.) But, she encouraged us--smart, kind women who are good people but not excessively impressive at anything except being ourselves--supported us; prayed for us; taught us good things; formed us into responsible; contributing people; provided the best she could; forgave us; loved us and loved our husbands and children. She was affectionate with us, faithful, kind about me living far away, thoughtful, and concerned. It was just unfortunate and confusing--and crushing--that every couple of years or whenever she could possibly work it into conversation, she would say quite seriously and so sincerely say, "If I had it all to over again, I never would've had children".

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Oh VioletSky I too have that voice in my head. I was a constant disappointment to my mother her constantly saying ‘you’re only here because your father wanted you’ . I have a lovely family who know how much I love them and how wanted they were.

AussieGran59, I have no words but I am incensed on your behalf.

EBear I'm so sorry keep fighting it

Aussiegran I think my mother knew, I can't prove it in my case. But you deserved so much better and she should have gone to prison for that.

My mother had to be more perfect than anyone else. She was critical and sarcastic about everyone else’s shortcomings and I always felt I was a disappointment to her. I talked late so was stupid. I had straight hair and a squint so was plain.
I married the wrong man and our children were not geniuses or wonderfully gifted so they were a disappointment to her too.

Disappointment to
Myself !

Taichinan

My mother told me that she didn't want another child, was pleased when she thought she'd had a miscarriage and was really fed up when she discovered she was still pregnant after all!!! I didn't stand a chance! Nothing I did was ever good enough - though she relented a bit when I "married well". I never felt close to her for some reason .

Mine too. She already had a boy and a girl and I came along and ruined it. She told me she had tried gin, hot baths and all sorts to try and get rid of me.
The only time I was ever praised was when I passed the 11+ and she could tell the family and neighbours. That novelty soon wore off though.