Being British and non confrontational

MerylStreep

BlueBelle

I can’t read this shorthand CF Cystic Fibrosis
NDN no disrespect to nuns
SCBA (sorry can’t be arsed) prefer to read it in English doesn’t take any longer to write

Absolutely!!!!!

I began to think it was just me because I don't live in the UK
and hence 'modern english' was another language

biglouis wrote After a lifetime spent in customer and client facing roles Ive had enough of "people".

One day I rang the customer service line of a company. A lady answered and we discussed what I had rung about. For some reason I can't remember discussion became more general and after a while I realised that I had been rambling on for some time.

"Oh, I've been rambling on for some time, I hope I haven't delayed your work."

"Quite alright. It's nice to talk with someone who isn't shouting or swearing at me. I've had it all day, it makes a nice change."

"What? People shout and swear at you?"

"You have no idea!" (sigh)

Alphabet soup is so irritating. I gave up on an earlier thread because there were so many abbreviations in the original post.

i am usually nc but i have butted in when i saw someone being shouted at or bullied, if someone is shouting at me i stand there and smile, i think it annoys some people, when i am angry my accent and speaking gets very clipped, i don't shout, probably my scottish, glasgow upbringing....one thing that really gets my goat is being called british ...i am scottish and live in the uk.

Jaxjacky

Please feel free to let me know what I’ve said is wrong Madgran?

I'm sorry my comment was not directed at you atall, just a general comment on assertiveness and confrontation being two different things. I hadn't actually seen your comment when I posted.

to be fair being from or living in the uk and being called british is not generally seen as an insult.
so i hope you make allowance for that.

I stand my ground and can be firmly assertive by steadfastly and calmly refusing ridiculous requests. One senior manager used to ask me, with great irony, if I wanted to go on an assertiveness training course.
CFs meet with an emphatic “No”: I will not give a sucker an even break.
I tend to allow an aggressor in a confrontational situation to shout then I walk away, feeling that by remaining in control I’m the stronger person. However if I value that person’s opinion and sense I am in the wrong I pay heed and engage.
NDNs can be quite a different matter. I’m probably as guilty as they are of some unknown misdemeanour. (DH doesn’t see it that way, though.) My NDN, who had appeared inconsiderate, really came up trumps for me during lockdown. Live and let live is my motto.

I think that often, having the ability ( or inclination) to stick up for ourselves is something which comes with age.
I’m not too keen on the word ‘confrontation’ as that sounds a bit aggressive to me, but we should all be prepared to speak up if something isn’t right, and I think that ability does come as we get older.

sodapop

Alphabet soup is so irritating. I gave up on an earlier thread because there were so many abbreviations in the original post.

I have a policy of always writing out an abbreviation in full the first time that I use it in some writing, as I was trained to do it as a good practice.

I do this because every reader might not be aware of the meaning of the abbreviation.

For example,

If you want to produce a PDF (Portable Document Format) document that is to be printed then it is important to decide whether the PDF document should include bleed areas.

Alas, this can be regarded by some people as patronising, and by some, as, ... er ... mansplaining.

I heartily dislike abbreviations and use very few. OH is the only one that comes to mind.

Being confrontational and standing your ground are not the same thing.

Oops, the third person to say this.

In fact I am quite good, at standing up to people in a non-confrontational way, that resolves the problem, 'gets them off my drive' as the OP says, without acrimony and without the use of extreme language. Far from enjoying other people's discomforture, I pride myself on sorting things out and parting with people on good terms and know I do not have to be concerned that they may come back and put a brick through my window.

I actually haven't noticed many people coming on here seething and saying they are 'non confrontational'. The popular problem is people who have problems that could actually be cured if people spoke to other people in their own household or family, and the problems are not usual confrontational ones.

BlueBelle

I can’t read this shorthand CF Cystic Fibrosis
NDN no disrespect to nuns
SCBA (sorry can’t be arsed) prefer to read it in English doesn’t take any longer to write

?

I think we Brits are brought up not to make a fuss or attract attention to ourselves and being confrontational is the opposite of that.

It's one of our emotional traditions like the stiff upper lip and as has been mentioned by a previous poster the flip side is having others walk all over you. Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way as Pink Floyd sang.

Maybe, biglouis, some of us would prefer to be on friendly terms with other people where possible. It generally makes life simpler and happier. An angry person is not usually a happy one.

I do not understand why you seem to think it's good thing to have a tongue like a lash or to enjoy the discomfiture of others either.

You ask, "what is it about British people that they are so afraid to stand their ground" - I don't think this premise is even true - but "standing ground" is not the same as being "confrontational" either.

I can't remember where you are from but it may be partly a language difference. When we lived in America we found we used more measured language than our friends. In a mum-to-mum conversation one good friend told me how she was "mad" with her daughter's behaviour where I said I was "fed up" with mine. Theirs was a language of extremes...
A play we saw was "amazing/fabulous" according to her, I found it "pretty good/interesting" We discussed this language use numerous times. I felt I saved "stronger" language for the times it really was required.

That said, people are just people. Some are not swift to anger. Maybe that's not a bad thing.

Mind you, have you seen the ferocious spats some neighbours get embroiled in? Whenever I read the Daily Mail there’s frequently a story about two couples either side of a fence/driveway/tree who have fallen out big style, won’t compromise and going to court over it! Once tempers get frayed, issues can escalate and everybody is miserable.

Why on earth would you want to read this rubbish?

Interesting to see that there is not a huge overlap between Mumsnet and Gransnet.
CF is a perfect shorthand way of distilling the qualities of such people that everyone on Mumsnet understands.
Like Welbeck I initially worked them out through context.
It is inevitable that through time more Mumsnetters will become Gransnetters so I suggest everyone moves with the times as CFery conveys much more than a few words ever could.

Totally agree with Not Spaghetti. I really do not understand anyone who actually boasts about being nasty to other people (whatever the reason). Scale that up to countries and you soon have wars!!!

Being pleasant and nice and polite is nothing to do with where people are born or live - more to do with a decent upbringing.

Personally, I really think more likely to get problems with neighbours or anyone more quickly and easily resolved by be reasonable and pleasant, than being rude and nasty.

Yes Urms and what about the money involved in some of those spats over land??
Eye watering amounts in many cases purely because neither side is willing to budge an inch, and an inch is sometimes what we are talking about with these boundary disputes.

I believe in standing up for ourselves, certainly, but not if common sense flies out the window in doing so.

biglouis, like you I am amazed at how many people put up with the weirdest situations instead of clearing up the issue with communication.
The latest one of neighbours using the complainant’s grassed front garden to park a car, paint something and entertain visitors is a case in point. A simple word might have resolved the issue, or a small fence, but no, rather than communicate she allowed the situation to escalate in her mind.
I have no sympathy with people who won’t communicate.
I also have no sympathy with those who are confrontational.

I find it baffling that (some, maybe many) people assume that a polite and reasonable request will be met by shouting or rudeness from the other party, which would seem unlikely if they also suffer from this apparently widespread British habit of avoiding confrontation.

If a situation needs to be dealt with it’s best to consider rationally what preferred outcome is desired, and how best to achieve it. I have generally found that being assertive but pleasant achieves the most favourable outcomes.
This usually works on line with call centres too.

I am polite and pleasant when in dispute situations, for no other reason than that it works so much better than shouting and abusing people.

The only person who objects is DD, who says my refusal to lose my temper in almost any situation is one of my most infuriating characteristics!

Ha ha, * MOnica* perhaps could be considered passive aggressive, but it’s how I behave usually.

welbeck 84F in here. curtains closed. water and crisps.
What does that mean in relation to this thread?

I used to suppress my anger over things and then blow up over something trivial at a person totally unrelated to what I am angry about. I now try to deal with things as they occur.