Being British and non confrontational

Being confrontational and standing your ground are not the same thing
Oops, the third person to say this

I'm the fourth (or I could be the ninth or tenth)

I can usually stand my ground unless I'm not feeling 100%.
I was confrontational once, should probably regret it but I don't!

Yes, there is a difference between politely and firmly stating your case and being confrontational and having a tongue like a lash

I take it you're not what could be described as "a people person" then, biglouis?

To my mind that would mean missing out on a lot of enjoyment in life.

Nothing passive aggressive, just good tactics.

I may buy a baseball bat for confronting burglars.

I don't like confrontation nor confrontational people. The world would be better if we were nicer to each other. What's praiseworthy about being unpleasant, like some people seem to boast about? Why ruin someone else's day?
However, I can stand up for myself if I have to.

I hate confrontation and have 'mug' tattooed on my forehead which leads some foolish people to underestimate me. Walk all over me and I'll offer to clean your shoes as you go by but never be racist, fascist, anti NHS, homophobic, anti trans. anti asylum/refugee etc. in my earshot or prepare to be amazed. Well actually you lot won't be amazed because you know what I'm like on here but, believe me, there are many people who have faced my wrath and are still in shock. I don't swear or get angry. I just debate them to death and, if they can't provide any solid evidence for their views then, like a pitbull, I won't let go.

Being assertive is all that is needed. Being angry and confrontational usually turns out badly especially if driven by so-called 'outrage'.

I think I know the thread that prompted this, and trying to put myself in the OP’s shoes, I think her neighbours’ entitlement shocked her so much, she didn’t say anything at first, and then it became more difficult. They also had friends with them, which added to her discomfort.

I am assertive if I need to be, never what I’d call confrontational, always polite to everyone, but I’ve always spoken my mind, whoever’s present

When you are showing anger you’ve already lots control in my opinion and start ranting and raving

I can't remember the last time I argued with anyone. Or for that matter confronted anyone about anything. I'm a live and let live person. I hate the proliferation of abbreviations on posts, and just give up and move on. There are more things to do with my life than encourage that degree of laziness.

I don't like myself when I get confrontational and spend hours going over the incident in my mind. If I think I am going to lose my temper, I extricate myself from the situation. I am getting better with age because if I catch myself sounding confrontation, I apologise and say I am not angry with them but the situation. I find that most often it is not the customer services agent who is at fault but the assistant.

As has already been mentioned , being confrontational and having strong boundaries with good self esteem are completely different things. The former tends to alienate and lead to severed relationships and hostility and the latter lets other people know where you and they stand, in a polite yet firm way.

Going somewhat off topic....The British have been conditioned to the 'stiff upper lip' which by it's very nature prohibits clear speech. Try speaking like that and you'll see!

The French, by contrast are very vociferous and therefore are less easy to control or manipulate. Currently France has a maximum of 4% price rises on energy. Their government know the people of their nation and that they are capable of. Here, because we don't revolt the government can do as they please.

When I lived in Paris in the 60's I observed that if a meal in a restaurant wasn't good the waiter was immediately called over and a better meal was produced. It wasn't acrimonious, it was accepted and dealt with easily. Here if we get a bad meal we just swallow it, literally. We don't want to make a fuss!

I saw a lot of riots in Paris at that time ... the people took to the streets in droves to protest and they still protest if it's needed.

Our government is currently making it difficult for people to protest and there are no droves in the streets, just a mostly mute acceptance!! Basically they have carte blanche to do as they please and are moving towards fascism...scary!

There is an appropriate moment for diplomacy and there is another for standing up for ones rights and autonomy. And confrontation isn't ultimately a helpful action.

Chewbacca

My next door neighbour constantly complains about the house, parking issues, state of garden etc with her neighbours on the other side of her. She flatly refuses to actually speak to them about any of it and so nothing ever gets resolved and she continues to feel aggrieved. I don't have this problem.

I agree with Bluebelle- I hate all this initialled posting! I give up and move on to next persons post!

I do not know how the French behave to protesters. However over here, the government and the media do a brilliant job on the 'divide and rule' basis.

So, train/bus employees forced to go on strike by for something approaching a reasonable wage are 'described as 'holding the rest of us to ransom', instead of being appreciated on doing this job on all our behalf. Young people concerned about the future of the planet are just viewed as criminal, and getting in the way of the rest of us being able to use our polluting vehicles whenever we wish,

You could get a demonstration of up to a million people, which will hardly get a reference in the media, unless...a couple of dozen of them (or deliberate provocateurs), break a shop window, then it is all over the media about the 'riot'!!!!

I don’t think making a point/standing your ground necessarily ends in an argument. When I first met my neighbours 8 years ago I asked that they let me know if I did anything to annoy them and we agreed they’d do the same so anything is nipped in the bud and resolved amicably. For outside situations I’d not bother unless I felt really aggrieved and then I’d state my point and listen to theirs and sometimes have to agree to differ. As a family we try to listen to each other and settle things but now and again an argument clears the air but when it’s done it’s done

I think many British people find it difficult to be firm but polite about an ongoing problem without being confrontational so they quietly seethe until everything explodes - witness the neighbour disputes that have ended in tragedy. I had renovation work done on my house before I moved in and asked my new neighbours to let me know if they had any problems with the workmen. Nothing was raised and I moved in but the neighbours hardly spoke to me. Some 3 years later they bought a dog which was then left in theor garden and howled all day long when they were out. I went round to politely ask if they knew their dog was so distressed by their absence and if it would be possible to keep her indoors so that the howling was less noticeable. I was completely taken aback when I was given a torrent of abuse about how they had had to suffer the workmen who had parked across their driveway, made a lot of noise, etc, etc, 3 years previously! Why they not said anything at that time, so that I could have done something about it, I have no idea but, unfortunately, they never spoke to me again for the next 3 years until they moved ... and the dog continued to howl. Many of us need better skills in being non-confrontational in difficult situations, without the need for aggression but still stating our point. Is this something that young people could be taught in citizenship lessons at school - if such a subject still exists?

Smileless2012

Being confrontational and standing your ground on something you feel strongly about, are not the same. It's possible to stand up for what you believe in and/or for your rights, without being aggressive, hostile and/or argumentative.

me either. I dislike confrontation and its not my first choice of strategies but meh....there are many things grownups have to do to manage their lives that are not pleasant.

greenlady102

Smileless2012

Being confrontational and standing your ground on something you feel strongly about, are not the same. It's possible to stand up for what you believe in and/or for your rights, without being aggressive, hostile and/or argumentative.

me either. I dislike confrontation and its not my first choice of strategies but meh....there are many things grownups have to do to manage their lives that are not pleasant.

yesh no that's not non confrontational its batshit

I am very capable of confrontation ( but only with strangers) if I am wronged. I recently received a £100 voucher from B&Q and a nice bunch of Flowers when they mucked up my order.
I received £40 from Santandar for calling me into a branch for a discussion about my finances that was meaningless. It could have been conducted over the phone.
I don’t confront my DILs over any thing though. It’s too dangerous to go there. Or my SILs. I wish I had been able to confront my MIL but my skills only got honed as I became older and less of a pushover. She was a person with issues.

Big Louis at last! I've found my long lost ....er.... Sister from another mister?! I'm exactly the same yet get described as "aggressive"/hobby(!?)/ Argumentative/brutal. Yet I too spent lifetime at sharp end of debt collection on international level and have a miriad of weapons at my disposal to deal with transgressors without physical intervention......the "British disease" was the description of our reticence to ask for payment of valid debts!! Thus so many companies going bust!! With a full order book and a ten ton weight debt ledger!!!! No need to be rude just assertive, but silence never won any medals

I’m definitely CF when needs must, it doesn’t bother me I stand my ground for sure. Think it’s all down to confidence.

I have always and will always stand up for myself and my dog. I can't stand people who are bullies or think that they are better than the rest, know more, are more entitled etc. If something is shoddy, just plain wrong, a person is abusive in any way towards me or mine then I am in there to support myself and the rest.

And I've lost count of the colleagues strangers and relatives who have said they'd want me on their side in any dispute!!

At our grammar school in 1960s we had a debating society and debate was part of the English timetable for all houses. Most state educated people would scoff belittle and "lah de dah" ridicule a child who maybe mentioned they were a member of the school debating society.! Why? Embarrassment at not understanding? Probably.jealousy? Maybe. Ignorance? Definitely.and the fault? Successive governments who have sold short all kids not in the upper echelons of the 3 tier education system!!