Being British and non confrontational

I was a softy until I moved to a certain city in the East Riding and I quickly learned not to be.
I wouldn't choose to start an argument but I state my case and will keep answering back as many times as someone confronts me.
I don't practise the same within the family and definitely are a bit of a soft touch with them.

I was assertive re NDN two years ago. I was lied to, so took it further. Although the issue was settled and two of the three ND residents now exchange brief greetings I am no longer feeling safe and comfortable in my home.
I could not have ignored the issue but still wonder whether it was worth it.

I try not to lose it and get loud and angry because some people are just hoping for a slanging match. I think you can get to people more by not rising to it, just keeping a level head and an annoying big smile on your face.

Aveline

CF?

So glad you asked. I spend more time trying to work out the abreviations than I do reading the remainder of the post.

I see two different kinds of behaviour . I worked in an office with a woman who was confrontational; any comment could be turned into an argument and a reason to go slamming doors into the senior person's office to 'have it out'. Asserting yourself is ensuring that you don't get walked over - it doesn't have to be aggressive assertion - simply standing your ground and remembering that 'no' is a sentence. You can assert yourself with a smile, but you can't be confrontational with a smile - or has anyone managed that?

vampirequeen

I hate confrontation and have 'mug' tattooed on my forehead which leads some foolish people to underestimate me. Walk all over me and I'll offer to clean your shoes as you go by but never be racist, fascist, anti NHS, homophobic, anti trans. anti asylum/refugee etc. in my earshot or prepare to be amazed. Well actually you lot won't be amazed because you know what I'm like on here but, believe me, there are many people who have faced my wrath and are still in shock. I don't swear or get angry. I just debate them to death and, if they can't provide any solid evidence for their views then, like a pitbull, I won't let go.

its not at all praiseworthy, sometimes its needful

Sorry to hear about your Cystic Fibrosis juicylucy I hope you are getting some help with it.

Why are the British non confrontational????
Maybe it is because they chose to look for the best in people and not automatically think the worst!

I so identify with you. Spent my working life in a job centre. Hate making phone calls/any interaction with people apart from family. Having said that I am an introvert.

BlueBelle

I can’t read this shorthand CF Cystic Fibrosis
NDN no disrespect to nuns
SCBA (sorry can’t be arsed) prefer to read it in English doesn’t take any longer to write

Yes , I gave up. Just write the words

Aveline

CF?

I've found that on the occasions when I have been brave enough to stand my ground and or say something in a situation, the other party has in all cases been one of those loud mouthy aggressive types that doesn't like the word No and uses their loud aggressiveness to beat others down.. that is a situation that makes me for one really uncomfortable so I tend to prefer the easier and safer option of staying quiet and gritting teeth

I really don't really think I belong in one particular camp,
I am a bit of a people pleaser and I get on pretty well with my neighbours but if someone or something upsets or annoys me, I'm the first to pipe up and say something.
Sometimes I'll take the softly softly approach, especially if it's something minor like hearing the neighbours arguing, I'll speak to one of them and say "did I hear you two shouting earlier?" which usually gets me an apology for them being too loud.
But if it's something more serious, I'm quite adept at opening my mouth and giving someone a bol***king.
A few months ago, I returned home from visiting a friend to find an ambulance parked in my disabled parking space. I sat alongside it for a couple of minutes until I saw one of the paramedics in the street. I blasted my horn and beckoned him over. When he got to my car and asked what the problem was, I waved my blue badge at him and asked where he expected me to park whilst his vehicle was blocking my parking space (I'd had that space marked up on the road outside my house for me to use, I know other blue badge holders can use it when my car's not there but ambulances don't have blue badges).
I pointed out that the nearest spot to park was about 75m away, which was too far for me to be able to walk, besides, I was desperate for the loo, so I told the paramedic he had to move the ambulance down the road so that I could park in my spot and actually make it to the loo (with dry underwear). He moaned about it for a minute but then realised he was beaten and moved the ambulance down the road.
I'll tell waiting staff if there's something wrong with a meal or the postman not to walk across the gardens between my and my neighbours' houses.
If one of my sons happens to be with me and something needs to be highlighted to a member of staff in a shop/pub/restaurant etc, as soon as I find someone to speak to about it, my son will take a few steps backwards to distance himself slightly because he's definitely not inherited my ability to speak out.
I don't go around with the intention of picking a fight but I've been walked all over for a big chunk of my life and I've now learnt that if I don't stand up for myself, no-one else is going to do it for me.

I am disappointed that the OP, a regular poster on GN, has not come back on this thread to defend her views, or possible expand on them.

I kow most posters have disagreed wth her, but as she says: What is it about British people that they are so afraid to stand their ground?

I am not sure which is worse- passive aggressive or loudly confrontational. At least the loudies are straightforwardly nasty. There's the odd one on here who is extremely and ridiculously confrontational but I always picture them ( he or she) with a large bottle of booze next to them getting sozzled. It helps me not dislike them.

Harmonypuss- surely ambulances have precedence over blue-badge holders, if attending to an emergency!

Passive aggression is not the alternative to loud confrontational. Assertive calmness is the way forward. Putting your point clearly and determinedly, but always being in control of the situation because you do not lose your temper.

I try to avoid confrontation because I am very quick to anger. Then, when I've had my outburst, I fret about it for days afterwards. It's just not worth it.

I agree MOnica. On the other forums I go to where many people are extremely sweary I do that a lot.

My remark previously about passive aggression was in jest MOnica. I completely agree about calm assertiveness. I think some have the wrong idea about assertiveness, which doesn’t involve a contest with the aim of getting the better of the other person.

Going out all guns blazing rarely achieves the desired outcome (ie. if parked across a drive you want the car to move, but if you shout at the driver as an opening gambit, they are more likely to dig their heels in and stay even longer. just to spite you).
A few day after my brother committed suicide, my stepmother had to do a bit of shopping and inadvertently parked slightly over the line in the car park. As soon as she opened the door a hefty man leapt out of his car and started tearing her off a strip for it. You can imagine what that did to her in her state of mind. Had the man just pointed out that she had parked awkwardly, I am sure she would have apologised profusely and moved.
You never know why someone puts themselves into a situation that might be annoying to others ... unless you ask!

Fleurpepper

Harmonypuss- surely ambulances have precedence over blue-badge holders, if attending to an emergency!

That's what I thought too. Maybe it was tongue in cheek ( try to be charitable)

My daughter once hid behind a rack of clothes when I was giving an M & S worker the benefit of my opinion.

I dont go out looking for a fight but when someone behaves towards me with lack of respect I do tend to go full nuclear.

20 years ago I moved into this area and one day found workmen in my garden despite locked gates. They had to climb over the fence to get in! When I challenged them they told me "Oh the neighbour said it was ok". So I immediately went next door to ask why the neighbour (for those of you who do not comprehend what an NDN is) to ask why they had not first sought my permission.

NDN (caught somewhat on one foot) tells me she did not realise anyone had moved in. Yeah right! 6 burly men carrying furniture in and it took all weekend. It was only later I learned what a nosy cow she was.

She claimed that her gutter neede clearing and the gap between the houses was too narrow to safely place the ladder on her side of the fence. I told her that in the future if she needed access I would not unreasonably refuse permission for her work people but that she MUST clear it with me first.

NDN replies "I dont need your permission. Your only a tenant." And that was the beginning of the hatred between us. I came right back with "Well your only an immigrant and if your going to live in aother persons country it would be a good idea to look up the law on trespass. Is that how you behave in your country?"

She was one of those people who thought the solution would be to snitch to the LL (landlord) if I did anything she didnt like. However the LL knew which side her bread was buttered. After all I was paying her mortgage and the NDN was offering her nothing. When the NDN rang her to whinge that my visitors had parked in "her" spot she replied "This is nothing to do with me. I dont like tittle tattles" and hung up.

My revenge came a few years later when the LL was looking for a quick sale so she could emigrate and I bought the house from her. Of course there was no for sale sign so my nosy NDN knew nothing about the deal. One day she asked if I had contact details for LL and I told her "no because she has gone abroad to live." "Well who is managing the house now?" "I am. You see I bought it from G two years ago. So now you have no one to snitch to!"

I am not confrontational, and sometimes get taken aback when people are. An example;

Chatting to a woman at a bowls match in the blazing sun, both very hot. I said 'oh, I would prefer to be in the shade with a nice cool gin and tonic' her reply 'Never touch the stuff, have never drunk alcohol, can't see the attraction'. Not in a nice way either. As there was no possibility at all of us going off to do what I had jokingly suggested, why did she feel she had to be so aggressive about it? When somebody says that they fancy a cup of tea and a bacon roll, I don't give them chapter and verse about why, to me, as a vegetarian, that would be a nightmare.

Just musing really, on why people have to be so dismissive of what was just, after all, a conversational comment.

Goodness, I am glad I don't live next door to you BigLouis. Especially as I am an 'immigrant'.

I came right back with "Well your only an immigrant and if your going to live in aother persons country

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