Dealing with "casual callers"

But surely ‘no callers’ doesn’t refer to your friends?

After one friend abused my friendship years ago time after time by overstaying his welcome I am now very wary of allowing new friends to visit in case it happens again.
Before you judge me harshly let me explain. Friend turns up unannounced. Invited in for a coffee. 3 hours later still there. Children now hungry and want lunch but friend just stays regardless so ends up having lunch with us .Stays again znd now it's tea time and on it goes
Eventually after months of this happening time after time I end up saying its unacceptable and its an abuse of our friendship.
Friend unhappy and flounce off saying won't stay where they are not welcome etc.
A few weeks by and they turn up and do it all again.
Grrrr.
Now we are not friends at all.
They had my nerves in shreds.

This experience has left me very wary of visitors popping in .

I am with kitty that is why I love my boiler tap as I can provide hot drinks instantly.

I have 2 neighbours who do ‘casual’ visits. They are harmless. I tolerate them, but I wish they would visit at the same time, so that I can get it over with ?

Why does nobody feel able to say something along the lines of
“Lovely to see you, but I am on my way out/going to the dentist/ going shopping/due to pick the grandchildren up. How about one day next week? Let’s fix a time. ”
And go out.
Or if they are there and show no sign of leaving, stand up, put your coat on say “I’ve got to go out now, can I give you a lift, / which way are you walking?” Then leave

We used to visit our mam on a Sunday until one Sunday we got there and she has sold the dining table. A great big hint she’d had enough of us all and our kids on a Sunday no more teas at nanas! Pretty direct I’d say!

Many years ago my now husband and I decided independently to surprise each other. He was living in London. I was in South Wales. We reckon our trains crossed somewhere around Didcot!
No mobile phones in those days so it was very late that evening when we finally caught up with each other.
I have been very wary of casually dropping in on anyone since then!

I much prefer visitors here to give me at least enough time to put some cupcakes into the oven. I don't keep biscuits etc in the house because I'd eat the lot so need a bit of warning so I can be hospitable.

biglouis
Nothings changed then from last March?
Or has it. You still seem very angry over this issue.

I just don't answer the door/phone if I don't want to. I appreciate it if people ring in advance before arriving but in general don't mind if they drop in. Neighbours and their children often drop in.

One of MrA's ex tennis partners dropped by yesterday on spec. Haven't spoken to her for over a year. I was weeding out the front and she got down and helped me out while we chatted and had a coffee and some carrot cake. Now if only someone who likes ironing would drop by tomorrow

My immediate family are really formal and old fashioned .
It's invitation only !

I do enjoy seeing friends for tea and have by-passed the problem by having tea in the garden - only now it's a bit too chilly !

I was brought up as a service kid and we always had people just popping in for a cup of tea and a chat but it doesn’t seem to be the trend now and I loved it

Or door osn't locked so family and friends knock and walk in .Its how its always been and we are happy to see them .I have had friends who came for lunch and ended up having dinner .sstaying over and having breakfast .It was all good fun though .I wouldn't like to make appointments with friends o family its just not how we were raised or how we are

I remember when I was a boy my grandparents moving house. On the day in the middle of the move my great-aunt called casually and everything stopped. She was entertained to tea. Afterwards the move resumed with a few hard words spoken after she had departed. They must have felt it necessary to receive her. She must have had a thick skin.

I moved home just over 15 months so just at the end of the worst of Covid - I have not had one single person come to visit me. No one has called and no one has been around for tea. Be grateful for what you have.

I can't bear anyone turning up without pre-arrangement. I work from home and until lock-down I saw clients at home. I do a lot of my work by telephone now from home. We have tall wooden gates which are kept locked unless I am expecting someone and they were our best investment ever.

This is a great idea Cabbie 21..!

My MIL, bless her, used to turn the doorbell off if she wasn’t expecting anyone. Good luck getting her to hear you if she wasn’t expecting you. (Btw she turned the doorbell off to save electricity!)

I agree with I.Ravenscroft.
Casual callers are assuming that your time, projects etc. are not as important as they are.
However, if we have made an arrangement, I’ll bake a cake, make sure the bathroom is clean etc. And be most welcoming!
Happy with that!

I like casual callers though rarely get any nowadays. My parents were always very hospitable and had visitors frequently and I was the same before I married. Ex H's family more into arrangements so things changed.

When DS was first married he and his wife lived a long way away so never came unannounced. Then one day DiL was travelling to her parents' home without DS and my home was en route. She dropped in and I was really pleased. I realised she had chosen to come and see me as she didn't have to. I had no idea she was in the area so would not have been offended by her not calling. I asked why she hadn't called ahead and she said " I didn't want to upset your plans if you had any so if you'd been out I'd have stopped at motorway services for a coffee / loo break.!

It completely made my day! If she'd come with DS I'd never have known whether she would rather not! I had a MiL who expected fairly frequent visits some of which I'd rather not have made!

I'm hoping to move nearer DS and family and hope they will drop in without always being invited. Time will tell!

I don't know what culture you are referring to Mandrake.

Both in Scotland where I grew up and in Denmark where I live now visitors of the kind who come unannounced are good friends or close family, so there is nothing impolite at telling either that they have come at an inconvenient time, or that they have outstayed their welcome if they stay too long.

I would personally never go through the song-and-dance act of putting on my coat and saying we were going out to get anyone to leave.

A total stranger who rang the bell would be unlikely to be invited in, but if we did so, we would not hesitate to say that they would need to leave now.

Each to his own of course, but I would be hurt if anyone felt they had to make an appointment to visit us - we are not their dentist or optician!

I do prefer knowing about visits upfront, as my living room is "lived in" and often has crumbs on the sofa and floor as well as dog and cat hairs, so I prefer to clean that up for visitors.
I've never had a problem with asking guests to leave - you can formulate it nicely like "I think we need to continue this conversation another day", "I am sorry folks, but I really have to go to .... bed, shopping" etc. Don't just drop hints and hope they are noted. I feel that a lot of issues arise from miscommunication. Say clear that time is up, there is no need to hide it behind hints and you will be surprised that most people will be happy as they know what is what - very few are offended by it.

I don’t mind drop in callers, though they are few and far between. Most ring and say “Are you in for visitors?”
I always do that for my DD, even though they say we don’t need to. We once arrived to drop off some shopping and found ourselves in the middle of a ‘cold war’. (Silence) Needless to say we beat a hasty retreat! DD rang to apologise later and said that when they realised what it must’ve looked like they had a good laugh about it, which cleared the air.

In these days of mobile phones, texting and email there is really no excuse for "dropping in" on someone whom you know to be busy with young children/family life or working at home. By doing so you are being selfish and putting your needs above theirs. You are assuming that their life is going to stop while they dance attendance on you just because you have time to spare.

How long does it take to take out your mobile and ring to say "Im in your area so is it ok if I pop in?" Then if they say "yes" you will know you are welcome rather than just tolerated for the sake of being polite. I would not feel comfortable sitting in someone's house if I thought I was keeping them from an important task or something they planned to do that day. I would much rather they put me off and we made an alternative arrangement.

Another poster remarked that this appeared to be an issue with me. Yes it is because it is so unnecessary with todays technology. In the days before mobiles or even when few people had phones at all (and I remember those days) people would just turn up on the doorstep and expect to be invited in. It never crossed their mind that you were a single person who catered for one. So they could be drinking your last bit of milk in their coffee with the shops a ten minute walk asway and no car.

Been there, done it, got the t-shirt.

I would love to have casual visitors. The only people I see are one or other of my helpers for one hour each day. It would be great to have discussions with people.
Spent a lot of my life camping and caravanning where everyone was friendly and enjoying the way of life.