Am I being a misery to resent the huge expense of being a wedding ‘guest”

Giving a gift is optional. 70 miles is a couple of hours drive if you have a car. They cannot make you to stay in or pay for a room you haven't booked. Personally, I'd drive to the wedding, enjoy it , offer no gift - after all, what can they possibly need after living together for so long - and then I'd drive home afterwards with a smug smile on my face.

I'd be thinking about what I could do with that £1000 and it wouldn't be a hotel room for the night. Is there no cheaper accomodation near their venue like a Travel Lodge or something and then drive to it. As for their gift, it's up to yourself, but to actually tell you what they want is rude to me. Gone are the days people were happy with a toaster.

Our son booked a venue with all close family staying but he paid for everyone's room with no cost whatsoever for any of us. We had a wonderful time.

Thats is what I would do

I don’t attend any weddings these days as my family know that I do not believe a wedding is needed. If you love each other …live together and throw a part if you would like. Anyway….these days it seems ALL about the wedding and nowt about the marriage. Hence the high divorce rate when the reality hits home. This couple have had 12 years to know their own minds….. so if they’re happy….the wedding is not necessary…. Say NO to all of it. They’re 12 years too late.

It depends on how much money I had. It would wipe out any chance at holidays for a year for me and therefore I would say no sorry its too expensive for me, have a wonderful time here is a JL token.

it it were comfortably within my income I think if its Really important in your families particular "terms and conditions" I'd bury the resentment and make it into the sort of getaway I'd like as far as possible.

Over all, I just don't get it - the huge, whole, shebang that some go through. Its about love between the couple and a modest family and friends party to celebrate.

I wouldn’t attend! never heard anything so ridiculous or self centred…

No, you are not being a misery! The expense of being a wedding guest is rising all the time and even before the pandemic and the following cost of living crisis it was being reported that especially younger people were declining wedding invitations because of the cost.
Whether you go or not will depend on how much you want to go: if not that much, find a reason to decline and send a modest gift voucher as a gift!

I have loved almost all weddings I have been to. Couples who have a separate party from the actual legal bit and know it will involve costs to guests often choose somewhere pretty even if far from home, it makes it more appealing. I wonder if this is true in this case? It is hard if you are short of £ of course, any venue a stretch, and Airbnb or Premier Inn are very expensive now, as is self catering. I would see it as a trip, but with a point, to celebrate their match. As to the gift, that is hard, maybe sleuth with relatives about what is appropriate, nothing or a modest cash as that is what they have requested. If they don’t want vouchers, don’t give. Both my daughters had honeymoon funds where folk could donate anonymously. It seemed to be what all their friends did, their generation used to it. Another had a house mending fund. But both had very modest hen events and sourced accommodation with friends for out of town guests. Work out what you can afford and enjoy. Hope the location is worth it!

Just go for the day or part of the party, then go home. 70 miles is not far, at least where I live.

Kryptonite

Just go for the day or part of the party, then go home. 70 miles is not far, at least where I live.

Precisely what we'd do, considerably more than we'd want to spend.

Yes it seems to be the 'custom' now, to arrange things this way

But 'customs' only establish themselves because we go along with them. I'm an 'ageing hippie' too and I married my ageing hippie husband four years ago with a Druid ceremony in a barn, a band composed of friends (and wow! they were brilliant!), everyone brought food and we said we did not expect presents. We received a few beautiful, well-chosen, inexpensive and - in several cases - hand-crafted gifts. It was lovely.
My advice, for what worth, would be to weigh up carefully what's in it for you, because it may be more fun than you anticipate. And spend only what you can afford.

I'm just wondering what the others in your party think of this?

If you can afford it, go and enjoy it. It will be a good opportunity to bond with family especially after all the restrictions of Covid. Family matters more than money. At the end of the day, you are more likely to regret not going than saving the money. Make the most of it and have a fab time.

Some good ideas here- an Airbnb or a minibus- however, so many weddings are like this these days - we’ve had to fork out to go to our children’s weddings plus of course contributing to it anyway ?and also to nephews and niece’s weddings. We’ve also given a gift from a list. But some have married after a long period of being together and have most things they need anyway. Therefore money is requested for a honeymoon or whatever. It does sound very clinical and chilly but actually it’s not in reality - just common sense. We’ve got used to it now? we’ve always been pleased that we’ve accepted everything and always thoroughly enjoyed Ourselves - in spite of the cost.

Wow!

I'm shocked at the response to this question.

I wouldn't miss a family gathering, even if it was going to cost me. My grandmother was the matriarch of the family, and she arranged family gatherings on all the usual celebrations like Christmas, Easter, Guy Fawke's, birthdays and special anniversaries.

I was lucky to see the whole of my family (immediate family, uncles and aunts, cousins on both sides of the family including families of partners and extended family regularly every year (at least several times a year throughout my childhood and into my early twenties. My grandfather was the senior caretaker of various schools in the town I was born in (Burnley), so he always lived in the caretaker's house on site (do schools have them now?) for most of my early years until he retired a couple of years before my grandmothers passing. So, most gatherings were held in the school hall; and a caterer and DJ would be booked. Because we had regular gatherings, any costs (DJ and caterers) were often shared between my grandparents, their siblings and their children (my parents and aunts & uncles). The gym would be opened for the kids to play around on the trampoline and other stuff (bean bags, climbing ropes, horse etc) and if it was a major celebration like an engagement, wedding, silver or golden wedding anniversaries or significant birthday dates, e.g. 50th birthday), they would book rooms at one of the local hotels that catered for such celebrations.
Family was important to my grandparents, and I can thank them for where I am now because of their unselfish care, generosity and life advice when I was a child and youth.

When my grandmother passed away (the same day as John Lennon), the only family gatherings I've been to in the last 42 years are the odd wedding, a few engagement parties and lots of funerals; so, if I was invited to a reception and after party for a family member, I would jump at it no matter the cost.

If the invitation was from a member of my extended family, would be happy to help out as these celebrations have become very expensive over time so helping a new couple is what family does (at least I thought they did).

I so miss my family and after the last funeral I attended in 2019 (my fathers), I suggested to my cousins that we should maybe have at least one family gathering each year. I'd planned to host the first of these in the summer of 2020 with invitations to my siblings, cousins and their families (All my family in the generation above me are now gone apart from two aunts who live in Australia). unfortunately, the Covid restrictions at the time put a stop to that.

My daughter and son in law had a wedding in February for less than £1000 for EVERYTHING. This is grotesque over consumption in my view. (Actually I bought her dress and flowers but that wasn’t too much)!

I don't understand the £1000 for the rooms. Who is paying for the rooms? is it the 6 families that are staying at the hotel? or the already married couple?
Do you have to attend? or do you feel obliged to attend? the main issue is - do you want to attend or not?
if you don't really want to go then don't. What is the worst that could happen? Will anybody lose their fingers ?There are others attending so to be blunt they may not even know you are not there!
personally, I would avoid airbnb- nowadays (I've used it in the past but not now as ) it wants your passport details. There is no control over who has access to that data and in these days of scams , you need to be very wary .

A party at a wedding is to celebrate a new beginning, a new relationship. What is new here? This sounds like someone wanted to throw a fancy party in a nice venue and have their guests help pay for it. If the wedding itself had been important, it would have happened several years ago.

biglouis

Its an invitation not a summons. I simply state that I did not have the budget for it at this time.

A thoroughly mumsnet answer which I agree with. Excellent response biglouis.

I would not go. It's the asking for cash, not vouchers or gifts that would put me off it feels like they are wanting you to pay for the reception/party

I agree with what Sparkle said(apologies- it only shows first half of names on my page..)Their actual wedding has been & gone.Sorry but they missed the boat on party & gifts.People cant afford that type of hotel bill nowadays.Cost of livings risen loads since may,& its a cheek of them to book rooms on anyones behalf..Decline.

I wouldn't go, the no vouchers or gifts only cash would put me off. They are basically asking you to fund their reception/party

Yeah Whiterabbit but doing it on the cheap in a school hall isnt same as a big hotel where the bill for rooms is £1000 is it?My lot are all for a family gathering but yes something on a par with the school hall or a community centre or even a pub is preferable.and better prices.

All those who say go if you can afford clearly have enough money themselves not to worry about money nor rising costs & higher bills.And what if you can afford it now- but later in year or early next year costs go up &up again,and you find you were foolish to splash out on that trip/party after all??If i were you i'd decline.Then send them a voucher (!)or some some lovely flowers if you dont feel you can send nothing?.

Sparklefizz

I would reply that unfortunately you can't attend. Then follow their advice and don't feel obliged to give a gift.

Yes, this is the best answer. It's pretty inconsiderate of them.
My niece had a very expensive wedding but there was a hotel chain nearby with reasonably priced rooms, though we did need to stay for two nights with all our family, 3 big rooms.