Am I being a misery to resent the huge expense of being a wedding ‘guest”

We celebrated our 30th anniversary this year.

So your share of the rooms is? One third? (Assuming one room for you, one for kids) £333 - still pricey but a lot less than a grand

Is there not a possibility of renting a house or a larg(ish) appartment for your family in the vicinity of the wedding? Maybe a short-stay arrangement? £1000 is awfully expensive for just one night. Oh well, I wouldn't add any gift then.

Weddings are such a huge thing nowadays. I'm sure everything was simpler and cheaper in the old days.
When I was married in 1969 we made our own sandwiches, DFiL brought champagne and DMiL made the cake. We had our wedding party at the house of a family friend which was bigger than ours. Any cash went towards a deposit on a house. Presents ranged from a glass wedding bell - which I still have, piles of towels - which I still use to £4 in notes from mum's boss. That did make us giggle.

When my first DS announced his engagement, DDiL produced a brochure from a wedding venue where prices began at £10,000. I gasped. She quickly said they would pay for everything and they did.
We paid for their honeymoon.
As long as you enjoy yourselves and the couple do too, that's all we can ask.

If you read the thread littleflo has thanked everyone for their help and she has RESOVED the dilemma.

No, littleflo, you aren't being a misery. As a general issue, this particular case aside, those who insist on having these exotic weddings and expecting their guests to shell out large amounts of money to attend are being selfish and unreasonable. They really have no right to expect anybody to attend.

How about a ceremony in a suitable nearby location that all relatives and friends can attend, and then have the romantic Caribbean holiday if that floats their boat? Or do they feel that poor relations don't count and poor friends can't be contemplated?

LadyHonoriaDedlock

No, littleflo, you aren't being a misery. As a general issue, this particular case aside, those who insist on having these exotic weddings and expecting their guests to shell out large amounts of money to attend are being selfish and unreasonable. They really have no right to expect anybody to attend.

How about a ceremony in a suitable nearby location that all relatives and friends can attend, and then have the romantic Caribbean holiday if that floats their boat? Or do they feel that poor relations don't count and poor friends can't be contemplated?

Sorry, littleflo, my apologies.

Ok, I had a senior moment and misread the question. Please ignore the direct reference, littleflo, and take my grumpiness as being a senior grump against a different kind of exotic wedding where guests really are expected to fly to Barbados or wherever at their own expense.

Farzanah

If you read the thread littleflo has thanked everyone for their help and she has RESOVED the dilemma.

She has but we can add stories if we want to. Isn't this an open forum?

If you can’t refuse to go then you have to go and pay the price surely.

I'd find my own AirB&B or a budget hotel .They should be able to "unbook " at this stage , it's not unreasonable to do that. My niece is getting married 80 miles away , but we will just make a weekend of it , and we will find an air BnB. It will be nice to catch up with family , we are not getting any younger .She's the last of the family to get married and I'm in my 7Os .I want to enjoy these celebrations while I can .I seem to go to funerals theses days.

Look at B&B's nearby or a house on Airbnb which which will hold you all and let the couple know that you have made your own arrangements

I've declined 3 invites to weddings in the last couple of years for the very same reason. Expectations of their 'Grand Occasion' at a high cost to you is shocking and sad at the same time. Everything is about showing off and I think they are missing the most important thing about it, the union of two people. It should be fun but within their budget and not expecting guests to supplement the cost. By nature I'm a generous person but do not like to be taken for a fool. Here's wishing them many happy and healthy years ahead.

I think they’ve got a bloody cheek . I’d decline the invitation and say I’ll give a donation to charity in lieu of a present ! They won’t be expecting that ???

I think it is a bit presumptive of them. But realistically 6 rooms works out around £167 per room, which for a wedding venue hotel is about normal. Presumably your adult children would pay for their own. But if money is really tight, perhaps look for somewhere cheaper nearby and either taxi or declare a family driver. If you are a close family, and can afford to, swallow the cost and have a wonderful family get together. Be thankful that lots of families, like mine, had weddings postponed twice due to covid. Finally got there, but with added expense and due to only date finally being available at venue was mid week, lots of our family with children who had school, and who we hadn't seen for 2 years due to distances, were unable to attend. Hope you find a solution that you are happy with.

don't go

If you can afford it and want to go then go.
If you can only afford less but want to go then book your own accommodation in your price range and go.
If you can’t afford it at all then it’s Hobson Choice but you could send them a present within your budget if that makes you feel better.

When my daughter got married in a fancy hotel many miles away we couldn't afford to stay there and stayed at a Premier Inn.

Are you really close to them? Do you really, really want to go? It is so simple to say that you can't. The gift part is not mandatory so just ignore it.

Just go enjoy yourself making memories you cannot take the money with you
I never attended my niece wedding due to a fall out I regret it now
You only live once you never die twice

These people are not living in the real world! Lived together 12 years, married in the Caribbean, now expecting people to go to all that kind of expense, for what??? They've
done it all and anyone living together for so long don't need a fancy expensive celebration. And mention of present preference! Just kindly refuse invitation. Could also throw in you thought they had gone and married years ago being together so long.

How about telling the couple you will give a donation to charity in their name*, will raise a glass to their future happiness and devote the money you will save to keeping yourselves warm and safe this winter.

And you will be thrilled to welcome them to your place for a special family lunch with your mob to see the video of the wedding after the event.

* for mother's day one year my kids paid to 'twin' my toilet with one in Cote d"Ivoire. The charity got money to help with sanitation and I have a picture (displayed) of a very basic facility bearing my postcode. One of my proudest possessions.

Stuff 'em. Do not feel obliged to go. I'm sure you can find better things to spend your money on in the current economic climate.
Don't even bother with a gift or voucher as they've asked for cash!!!
Preposterous!!

Does your husband want to go?
Can you afford to attend?
They are probably having the reception so that they can involve all the people who are dear to them in their happy event.
If your husband wants to go and you can afford to then it’s a bit mean and miserable not to go, it should be a lovely time with friends and family that you’ll enjoy hopefully.
If you can’t afford to go I’d explain and send a small thoughtful gift. If your husband doesn’t want to go it will be his responsibility to explain why.

I've been in a similar situation, when we totted the cost of travel to the venue, cost of overnight stay, wedding present, wedding clothes for a family of four, decided not to go.

I would politely turn the invite down . Its a ridiculous and unacceptable expense considering they have been together so long. Make an excuse , Covid , flu ... if you're not bra v e enough to be truthful .