Anyone else struggling after returning to the UK?

YOu have been away for a long time and now we are right in the midst of so many problems. It woukd have been hard enough to settle in without the current situation, but give it time. Your son and dil aren’t used to having you around, have had to get used to you being in Europe all these years. It’s bound to be strange fir them.
England has changed since you left and it will take a while for you to feel more settled, so without knowing how long you have been back, give it more time.
Final option would be to move back but dh is right, it will be a huge upheaval.
Make friends here, go back and visit there, best of two worlds.

Unfortunately in my experience it rarely works to move to be near your adult children (I expect loads of posts will prove me wrong ) but your life should be where you and your husband are most happy It sounds as if you are a bit of a mover four different countries if you count this move to U.K.
Reading your post it now sounds as if you’ve had two recent moves one back to uK and then from one county to another to be even nearer to the adult child and family I somehow think your husband is right can you afford yet another move with all the expense and disruption
Yes this country is in a big old mess but a lot of other countries aren’t going through the best of times either
I can’t really help as this has to be your and you husbands decision and it sounds as if he’s made his up
somewhere along the line it makes sense to settle and stop looking for utopia which doesn’t exist

Sorry just noticed its 3 years since you came back. I thought it might be more recent. I would go fir a few visits to see how you feel, but yes, a move back would be an upheaval. I think there us someone who came back after years in Europe who may see this thread.

It sounds as if you are disillusioned on a variety of fronts - family as well as the state of the country.
All I can say is that this is not at all unusual. Going back to colonial expats who came “home” to settle in Hove or Broadstairs and lament their former lives in “Poona in the old days” to younger people who had high flying careers in Dubai or LA which they left behind to come “home” .
That your family have not compensated by spending more time with you is sad, but you know that the answer is in your own hands.
Make the best of your new life in the U.K., find things you enjoy and which occupy your time and perhaps the AC and GC will appreciate you more and not feel under any pressure.
Are you sure you are not perhaps going on too much about what you have given up? They presumably did not ask you to, but it was your decision. So all I can advise, kindly, is to get your big girl pants on and make the effort to enjoy the years you have left.

It must be one heck of a shock after so many years away and yes AC arent always as available as we might hope. Ours all work full time and have teenage children, we all get on but we just can't be top of their visiting list. I can only suggest that you join a group you are interested in and maybe volunteer for something as ways of getting to know others. As for going back I never feel that works as even after 3 years, including lockdowns, it won't be the what you left.

I truly feel for you and totally understand.

Could you rent a small place out of season to come back for a few weeks at a time, perhaps?

''Are you sure you are not perhaps going on too much about what you have given up? They presumably did not ask you to, but it was your decision. So all I can advise, kindly, is to get your big girl pants on and make the effort to enjoy the years you have left.''

how very unkind and totally lacking in empathy. Very sad!

Unfortunately in my experience it rarely works to move to be near your adult children (I expect loads of posts will prove me wrong ) but your life should be where you and your husband are most happy

No, I think you're right, Bluebelle. It's a mistake in so many cases.

I have noticed over the years that some older people may move nearer to their family only for the family to move again due to career moves etc. The older generation is either left somewhere they didn't really plan to be or has to move again.

Younger generations are often busy with their own lives and it's unfair to expect them to change their lives completely to suit us, we have to find a life for ourselves and hope we will be part of theirs too.

This country is in a state of flux at the moment but so is much of Europe too - let's hope we'll regain an even keel shortly!
I think we're all hoping for that.

A very good post from BlueBelle which says it all.
All of Europe is going through testing times, and I think at least you are near your son and grandchildren Countess should you require any help, and lovely to be able to see them too.Petrol is so expensive, that had you stayed in Dorset it would have cost so much, and not an easy drive as you get older either to see relatives.
Make your own house or apartment as attractive as you can so that you enjoy your own space and garden, join clubs perhaps?
You are bound to miss aspects of the other countries you have lived in for so long, but as we get old, our native country does exert a pull, I know this.

Fleurpepper

''Are you sure you are not perhaps going on too much about what you have given up? They presumably did not ask you to, but it was your decision. So all I can advise, kindly, is to get your big girl pants on and make the effort to enjoy the years you have left.''

how very unkind and totally lacking in empathy. Very sad!

But we can't expect our DC to be responsible for our happiness, surely?

No-one wants clingy, needy parents and grandparents, especially if the younger generations have been used to them living abroad for 44 years.
It simply isn't realistic to come to live back in the UK after all that time and expect family, including a difficult taciturn DIL, to welcome PIL with open arms. I hope you can win her round, CountessFosco but it could take time.

I'm sorry you feel homesick but you could return to where you lived for so long and find everything has changed there too.

I think trying to enjoy everything your new community has to offer, joining clubs, societies etc might be a good start.

Are you suffering from SAD (seasonal affective disorder) due to the lack of winter daylight?
My daughter;s MIL did just that, played musical chairs with countries, finally settling in the UK expecting to be cared for by the NHS, after 3 expensive moves. The grandchildren didn't visit as much as she'd expected, and her home helps weren't as subservient as she was used to, the weather was vile - and she caught covid.
Eventually she died a very sad, angry, lonely lady, so please make sure if you do move, this is the very last time. Y
ou are never coming home.
Perhaps a chat with your GP may help?

I am a returner, or a blow back as our DS1 likes to call us.
You have lived in some lovely countries CountessFosco and very often, a little piece of one's heart always remains in previous places, mine is somewhere in beautiful France too. But is the grass really greener back there? Probably not.
I remember I was so excited to return to London for culture, museums and shows, as well as shops and restaurants. I made it part of my lifestyle to soak up all the good things I could find back home. After 2 or 3 years here, however, like you, I had a bit of a dip and a wobble where things in the UK started to irritate me, and at that point I had no DGC to keep me occupied. The answer for me was not to make comparisons, not to look back with rose coloured glasses, but to accept that nowhere is perfect.
The family situation is a bit more tricky for you and that must be upsetting if you anticipated more connection with the children. I agree that maybe you should find a group to join, or maybe you could offer classes in the languages you speak, as I do. That way you get to impart your own knowledge and enthusiasm for the countries you love.
I have an English friend in France who only last week was complaining there was no petrol to be found anywhere (tanker strikes I think), this week there is no rice in the shops!! Niggles all over the world I guess, so I don't complain. I continue to find happiness right here in normal every day things, (and planning future visits back abroad!)
Good luck!

Callistemon21

Fleurpepper

''Are you sure you are not perhaps going on too much about what you have given up? They presumably did not ask you to, but it was your decision. So all I can advise, kindly, is to get your big girl pants on and make the effort to enjoy the years you have left.''

how very unkind and totally lacking in empathy. Very sad!

But we can't expect our DC to be responsible for our happiness, surely?

No-one wants clingy, needy parents and grandparents, especially if the younger generations have been used to them living abroad for 44 years.
It simply isn't realistic to come to live back in the UK after all that time and expect family, including a difficult taciturn DIL, to welcome PIL with open arms. I hope you can win her round, CountessFosco but it could take time.

I'm sorry you feel homesick but you could return to where you lived for so long and find everything has changed there too.

I think trying to enjoy everything your new community has to offer, joining clubs, societies etc might be a good start.

Of course not. But it is wrong to assume that the OP is 'clingy and needy'!!! That is so wrong and unfair.

No, Europe also has its issues, but it has NOT changed in the same way as the UK has since 2016.

Short addendum : it is often extremely difficult becoming old and infirm in one's own language, let alone a foreign one where specialist expressions are well nigh incomprehensible. So that was also a deciding factor, not only the children. It's probably correct to say that nothing stays the same and we would doubtless find that what we left 3 years ago has also changed.

I know people who come back when they start to age because they want to be somewhere where they are familiar with the medical terms etc. My dd has had intensive cancer treatment in Europe which is a different system that I did not understand, nor did she, but luckily she speaks her new language reasonably fluently. It was difficult though at times.
You have come back in times of Covid and all that has followed ( never mind Brexit) which probably has had an effect on how you feel about being here. It’s been hard for us all.
It can only get better.... at some point. Once Boris gets his feet back under the table, all will be wonderful ( yes, I am joking). Heaven help us.

No Fleurpepper - not unkind or lacking in empathy, just pragmatic.
We are adults who have made our decisions and if they are the wrong decision, having identified why, it behoves us to either accept with good grace and make the best of it or accept, also with good grace and do something about it.
It need not apply only to ex expats, there will be Grans on GN who have given up friends and activities they love to live nearer their AC in another part of the country who may feel their choice is not entirely appreciated. Unless the AC asked OP and her husband to move back, it was their choice. Sadly our AC can have busy lives, the GC spending increasing time on their weekend activities - we may be there for them, but we cannot expect their lives to revolve around us.

Fleurpepper

Callistemon21

Fleurpepper

''Are you sure you are not perhaps going on too much about what you have given up? They presumably did not ask you to, but it was your decision. So all I can advise, kindly, is to get your big girl pants on and make the effort to enjoy the years you have left.''

how very unkind and totally lacking in empathy. Very sad!

But we can't expect our DC to be responsible for our happiness, surely?

No-one wants clingy, needy parents and grandparents, especially if the younger generations have been used to them living abroad for 44 years.
It simply isn't realistic to come to live back in the UK after all that time and expect family, including a difficult taciturn DIL, to welcome PIL with open arms. I hope you can win her round, CountessFosco but it could take time.

I'm sorry you feel homesick but you could return to where you lived for so long and find everything has changed there too.

I think trying to enjoy everything your new community has to offer, joining clubs, societies etc might be a good start.

Of course not. But it is wrong to assume that the OP is 'clingy and needy'!!! That is so wrong and unfair.

No, Europe also has its issues, but it has NOT changed in the same way as the UK has since 2016.

I didn't say that CountessFosco was clingy or needy Fleurpepper.
It was a generalisation, perhaps a word of advice as they moved back for the children and have again moved to be even nearer them.

It's best not to depend on your children for fulfilment and happiness, especially as the DIL seems difficult.

Please stop chastising other posters who are just trying to help.

CountessFosco you probably came back, unknowingly, at the worst time because Covid must have hit soon afterwards with lockdowns, etc, so no chance to get to know new people, join clubs, societies, even go out for entertainment etc.

Now those things are resuming I hope you can join in, find new friends and feel more settled.

You sound mildly depressed CountessFosco and I sympathise.
Of course we all get depressed now and again, wherever we live, but there are ways round it.
Are you living in the middle of nowhere or in a lively place? It sounds to me as if you need to make your own life more interesting and not dependent on your family.
There are so many activities you could get involved in and once involved, you will not be dwelling so much on yourself in this negative way.

P.S. Stop watching the news too…

MawM-it was the words you used! No need.

although to be fair, it was Callistemon who said

''No-one wants clingy, needy parents and grandparents,''

OH says we are simply too advanced in age {79 + 77} to even contemplate another major upheaval.
You say "he's right" - is he?

Make an honest list of pros and cons.
Compare them. Evaluate. Be brutally honest.
Look at them again and see which you can change (or nudge into something palatable).
Then decide about going back or not.

My mother-in-law moved at 96.
You can do it if you really want to.
Good luck!