Mothers at home matter

Indeed - I have been banging on about this for some time too, but for many reasons it is not popular.

All the Mums who have to work to make ends meet feel uncomfortable about the suggestion that mothers being at home might be a good thing - they are understandably trying to convince themselves otherwise; and all those Mums who are trying to climb the greasy career pole do not want to hear that the choice they have made might not be best for their children.

I took 5 years out to look after my children when they were small then went back to work part time. When I returned, I used my time out of the workplace as a positive, citing the transferable skills from parenting.

The idea that we support child care so parents can return to work is fine; but we ought also to be supporting parents to make the choice to be at home with their children. That too is valuable work. It is all very one-sided at the moment.

Thanks growstuff. Yes its not in many cases a gender pay gap its a mother pay gap.

Interesting that this article kept on emphasising the role of The Mother. Hardly mentioned the Father. There are now an increasing number of Dads who stay at home looking after children whilst Mum goes to work. Many reasons for this. Often harder for these men as there are fewer opportunities for them to join parent groups, etc.

If a parent wishes to be a stay at home parent, then that is fine. But many women and men do not want this. One of my daughters tried it for nine months after the birth of her third - hated it!!!

Part -time working is far better for many.

Also..... there is still this idea that a stay at home parent is most important in the earlyyears. I would dispute this.

Young children can be well looked after by a group of people, grandparents, parents, nursery school, etc. etc. As long as there is a definite agreed pattern.

The time when it is good or a parent to be at home when the child is, is the teenage years!!! This is when they will suddenly demand attention, and if it is put off then you may miss the opportunity to find out what is concerning them, etc.

Again, this can be sorted out with a good mixture of part-time and selected hours of working. Working parents can be excellent role models for children, Do wonder what the stay-at-home Mums, so lauded in this article, actually do when the children are at school.

I dislike the holier than thou attitude of those who were stay at home mothers. DH and I are coming up to 80, we both had working mothers, they were teachers and my mother was also an office worker in her later years. On my mother's side, she had a working mother and so did my grandmother and great grandmother, which is as far back as I can trace my family. In turn I was a working mother as is my DDiL now.

The reasons they all worked were different. Poverty, combined with being left a widow with young children, and for the last three generations women with active minds who, however much they loved and cared for their children, found full time childcare was like intellectually going round with the blinds half down.

I cannot see anyway how the families of these 5 generations of working mothers suffered from the supposed lack of care and attention that the stay at home mothers assume.

We started off as Irish immigrants driven out of Ireland by the Great Famine, my grandmother, widowed in WW1, got her daughters into grammar school and they both went on, one to become a nurse and eventually director of a school of nursing and the other an office worker, a teacher and head teacher. And so it has been for each generation since. The family has been close through all these generations and remains so, we have managed to avoid children dropping out, having addictions or any of the other disasters that are currently meant to trouble such families.

I make no judgments. We all make the decisions that are forced on us by circumstances, or made by choice.

Franbern Do wonder what the stay-at-home Mums, so lauded in this article, actually do when the children are at school.

They drive their children (and others) to school and activities, cook, clean, do laundry, iron, mend, sew, help in their childrens schools, buy groceries, garden, help with homework, look after younger children - as all 4 don't begin schooling at once. And some begin all the childminding again, after their children marry and have children. Never ending.

I was a stay at home mum for nine years until they were 5,7 and 9. I did a little child minding and secretarial work when the youngest was at playgroup. As soon as the youngest started school I started part time paid work, finishing in time to pick him up from school. In the meantime OH worked overseas a lot, missing birthdays, parent’s evenings etc. Fast forward a lot of years and elder son will not take a job if he is going to miss a lot of family time. He has been offered overseas work without his family, but turned it down. He doesn’t want a repeat of his childhood where his dad missed such a lot. Actually, I’ve spoken to OH about this and he admits he would not have done any different! I imagine he’s not the only one.

I totally agree with your last sentence Monica. In an ideal world, everybody would have choice, and remaining at home with your children or going out to work would be equally valued. I have to say though, that none of the young mums I know wanted to remain at home full time, although they maximised their maternity leave they have all wanted to return to work, some part time, after that.

Norah only if they want it that way. I had 2 children and did almost all the jobs on your list and worked part time, except, possibly, look after younger children. I had 2 children in quick succession and when one started school the other started at nursery.

I also had a DH, whose job took him away from home a lot. He came home halfway through the week I went back to work and asked me how things were going. My 6 year old son looked at me and said to me 'Oh, have you been to work, although he knew all about it, he had quite forgotten and not noticed anything different to remind him.

I’m all for what works for the parents if they have the luxury of choice. Choice for both to work or one to stay at home (and it should be an option for men too). Choice in childcare arrangements if both parents go back to work - there are some excellent nurseries but often you need a certain level of income to afford them before the free 30 hours a week starts.

Like Baggs and Luckygirl, this has been a hobby horse of mine for many years. So many parents think ‘learning’ can only be done in a nursery environment or similar, and the value, both developmentally and socially, of early years at home is grossly undervalued.
I attended an early years conference where one of the presentations was about the link between dementia and children being evacuated during the war. Everyone was unanimous that separating the children from their parents was the wrong thing, and I was almost lynched for asking if perhaps sending children to nursery almost from birth could also be seen as damaging in years to come.
Well, I only asked!

M0nica

Norah only if they want it that way. I had 2 children and did almost all the jobs on your list and worked part time, except, possibly, look after younger children. I had 2 children in quick succession and when one started school the other started at nursery.

I also had a DH, whose job took him away from home a lot. He came home halfway through the week I went back to work and asked me how things were going. My 6 year old son looked at me and said to me 'Oh, have you been to work, although he knew all about it, he had quite forgotten and not noticed anything different to remind him.

M0nica That worked for you and yours. Wouldn't have worked for me and mine. Our childrens births were spread over 20 years.

Yet again everyone is different. Some prefer less money and sahm.

I agree with the sensible article.

It’s just as well that my mother didn’t go out to work. I was ill a great deal as a child and teenager, and I don’t think we could have managed without someone at home. Being a parent doesn’t stop the moment the children go to school.

Esspee

I was a full time mum because I didn’t bring children into the world to farm them out to others to mould their personalities.

Had it been a financial imperative that I worked I would not have had children.

Sometimes though, that "imperative" becomes a necessity through circumstances outside of the control of the mother.

Sickness, injury or death, for example, can alter the best laid plans. Not everyone has the money to put aside for such events. Perhaps we should tell them not to have children and encourage only the wealthy to breed?

Norah

M0nica

Norah only if they want it that way. I had 2 children and did almost all the jobs on your list and worked part time, except, possibly, look after younger children. I had 2 children in quick succession and when one started school the other started at nursery.

I also had a DH, whose job took him away from home a lot. He came home halfway through the week I went back to work and asked me how things were going. My 6 year old son looked at me and said to me 'Oh, have you been to work, although he knew all about it, he had quite forgotten and not noticed anything different to remind him.

M0nica That worked for you and yours. Wouldn't have worked for me and mine. Our childrens births were spread over 20 years.

Yet again everyone is different. Some prefer less money and sahm.

I agree with the sensible article.

It's not just about less money. It's about women not fulfilling their potential outside the home.

PS. I became a single mother when my children were 8 and 3. I did everything on your list Norah, as well as working full-time.

Esspee

I was a full time mum because I didn’t bring children into the world to farm them out to others to mould their personalities.

Had it been a financial imperative that I worked I would not have had children.

Wow!

I am astonished, at such an unpleasant judgemental post.

You were very fortunate to stay at home with your children and “mould” their personalities.

I had to “farm mine out” .

I had six years out of teaching when the children were small.
I went back when the youngest started school. It was no picnic either at home or work. After doing a full-time job when I got in and coping with the guilt. Organising child care to take them to and from school. I did have the benefit of school holidays.
At work, I had to start again on the bottom rung . My DH had a job that had late hours and weekend commitments.
My first car was courtesy of my MIL remarrying and giving us some money which enabled me to go to work.
I see what my family have done and do not believe you can compare a working mum versus a stay at home.
You make your choice for what benefits your family and circumstances and no one has the right to say that either is right or wrong and judged you.

Jaxjacky

The trouble is Espee people’s circumstances change, often after they’ve had children.

You took the words right out of my mouth!

Sago

Esspee

I was a full time mum because I didn’t bring children into the world to farm them out to others to mould their personalities.

Had it been a financial imperative that I worked I would not have had children.

Wow!

I am astonished, at such an unpleasant judgemental post.

You were very fortunate to stay at home with your children and “mould” their personalities.

I had to “farm mine out” .

I really meant to say as well, I fully back Sago's post. Mine were never 'farmed out"child care was carefully chosen. Viewing things in that light many mothers are glad to" farm their children out to teachers." What did you do whilst they were all at school?

I suffered from a difficult medical condition throughout my chidhood and in and out of hospital. My mother worked. The only time I can ever remember wanting her and she wasn't there, was on a day she was not working and had gone out to do some shopping.

I had the same experience. The only day I was wanted and inaccessible, I wasn't working, but had gone to collect my non-driving PiL for a half term visit. The usual procedure was that I would work from home on days my children were out of school, plus DH and I shared caring duties and we both took time off as necessary to look after the children. We even fitted DH's tonsillectomy round half term. His company had private insurance for its employees and we made sure the last week of his convalescence coincided with half term.

Why I should feel the need to justify all this I do not know, it is not as if the stay-at -homes are producing any evidence to suggest that having a working mother is damaging to children.

I will reiterate, each of us makes our own decisions based on our circumstances and personalities. I would have been a far worse parent if I hadn't had the tension of juggling home and work. Bored stiff, depressed and with no financial independence. My grandmother and great grandmother were widowed in their 30s with young children, in one case pregnant), and had to work to support their families. My mother came very close to joining them im WW2, where my father survived only because the bomb that fell on the building he was in was a dud and failed to explode. Whether divorce or death (and DH also found himself in one or two life/death situations). Except for 5 years, when I was breeding or looking after very young children I was in a position where I was already in work and had the capacity to support myself and my children in modest comfort if the worse came to the worse. When DH was made redundant, we were very glad of my income.

I don’t think having a working mother is necessarily damaging to children, so don’t assume we all think that, but I’m very glad I could stay at home with mine. I was never ‘bored stiff’, because I have an active mind, imagination and many interests. I think work was actually more limiting!

I - perhaps naively - thought we had got past the time when we had to justify ourselves as mothers, whether that was a conscious decision to be a stay-at-home mum or a 'working' mum (and yes, I know all mums work!).
I chose to return to work full time when both of my children were three months old, and I don't regret that one bit. My children were better off with a mother who was happy doing a job she loved than stuck at home frustrated, miserable and getting irritated with them. Why can't we just lift each other up and support all mums, however they choose to make things work for them?

Blondiescot ?????

True, Growstuff. My dd would have loved to stay at home for longer than her allowed maternity leave for her babies - luckily it was relatively generous - but knew it’d be very hard for her to return at anything like the same level if she stayed at home much longer. And her salary is needed to help pay the mortgage - they live in a relatively expensive area.

Several of her friends have felt similarly, and have admitted to feeling somewhat envious of women who don’t have to make that choice, because their husbands’ salaries will cover all the bills.

It would seem that staying at home with your children has become something of a luxury* unaffordable for many women nowadays, and IMO a lot of that is down to rocketing house prices.

*Though women whose earnings wouldn’t begin to cover the crazy costs of childcare don’t have much choice anyway.

What a sexist and chauvinist view- it seems like the father of the children just donates the last name and sperm and he is good to go?

As for farming the kids "for other to raise" - that is what fathers do and they do not get the judgement the mothers get

People who elect to be stay at home mothers are often seen as contributing to the family rather than the wider community. Unless they are self employed or have a side hustle they dont directly "earn" any money. Therefore they dont pay taxes and contribute directly as employed people do.