Am I old fashioned?

There is a certain change in child rearing, as it happens every generation

In my case, i was raised in a very authoritative home without a voice or opinions, "seen and not heard"

Now, I am teaching my kids to find themselves, make their own decisions while I am still the parent

For example - what would you like for dinner/lunch
What would you like to do this weekend, etc

It isn't easy getting the balance right between raising confident children and those that overstep the mark.

I suppose that I was a fairly strict parent Antonia but tempered that with love for my children, which they knew.
They grew up to be well mannered and considerate people.
I think the lax style of parenting comes back to bite the parent to be honest.Or the teacher who has an unruly class or the policeman who receives no respect from them.
We reap what we sow.

Spot on Prentice. Children push the boundaries and will do whatever you allow them to do. And it's really not easy to tighten those boundaries once you've allowed them to be loose. You have to start from babyhood the way you mean to go on, explaining your reasoning all the way. By the time they start school they will have started to understand why they can't do whatever they want.

I am old-fashioned - how could I not be, at my age? I don't push my views on anyone but am happy to be asked about my experiences or opinions. Society changes and we should expect that.

I was brought up in the old "seen and not heard" style even by my grandmother whom I adored. It was very much their house, their rules understanding. However my grandmother understood that as young people grow into their teens and begin work then you must gradually give them more autonomy and responsibility because they are making a contribution to the community. Whereas my parents just saw me as a teenage cash machine. I was there so contribute to the family pot, but had no say in how the home was run even at 18.

I wasn’t brought up strictly but I think I was pretty easy as I always had a strong feeling of right and wrong
I brought my children up to know right from wrong and to have more freedom to explore more than I did and more opportunities They have all done the same with their children who all have much more confidence and ability than I had and. Million times more opportunities they re all responsible young people 6 out of 7 of them work in a variety of occupations all with good futures and the last one is in her last two years at school and has her head well and truely screwed on None have ever been in trouble

I think you have to try to find that balance between setting boundaries and teaching them right from wrong, yet still allowing them to develop into individuals with a sense of their own worth. You have to learn to let them make their own mistakes too, while always being ready to step in and offer support when necessary.

I'm glad we don't have to ponder about how our daughters raise theirs. We're done raising, old fashioned or not.

My mother really wasn't keen on children so I was expected to keep quiet and not ask questions. She liked me much better when I was older. When I was 10 we went to live with my grandmother. I really saw very little of her. She rarely went out and spent a lot of time being "old". I looked after my first grandson 5 days a week when he was a baby and now he's 16 and over 6 feet I still get a hug from him. That would never have happened with my grandmother.

Anyone who uses the words trenchant views in regard to raising children give me the chills.

MerylStreep

Anyone who uses the words trenchant views in regard to raising children give me the chills.

Why?

I was brought up very strictly, and learner to fear my mother. I grew up totally lacking any self confidence. I brought up my children in the opposite way, very relaxed and treating them more as friends. My two are in their 40's now, very successful in their careers and relationships.

I guess what I'm saying is that your manner of child rearing doesn't guarantee any particular outcome - like most things in life there are many possibilities.

My mother was not very approachable and my father did what she wanted. Therefore I was always afraid to antagonise her so let many opportunities and one great love pass me by. My children, thankfully are able to come to DH and me with most any problem and their children to them. I am so thankful for that. Old fashioned ? I have no idea

I think I was quite strict for the early years, and then found I didn’t have to be, they were all good children, and until they hit the teen years, they needed very little discipline.
Trouble is their adult lives haven’t gone smoothly, and we are still picking up the pieces of broken relationships, so there we were congratulating ourselves on a job well done, and that was when the problems started.

stella1949

I was brought up very strictly, and learner to fear my mother. I grew up totally lacking any self confidence. I brought up my children in the opposite way, very relaxed and treating them more as friends. My two are in their 40's now, very successful in their careers and relationships.

I guess what I'm saying is that your manner of child rearing doesn't guarantee any particular outcome - like most things in life there are many possibilities.

Same here. But I read of so much anti social behaviour, it makes me wonder how standards have slipped. For example, no thanks for presents given to at least 3 younger members of my family, whereas in the past, my children had to write thank you notes for birthday and Christmas gifts.

We were fairly strict with our 4. We had to be or it would have been chaos
One reason we moved away from the neighbourhood was that the kids in the street would be out on their trikes late in the evening some only 2yrs old and parents shouted "instructions" out windows.
I think I was considered a snob

DGC are all well behaved and confident.

I read about teachers unable to teach for fear of violence. I hope this is rare.

My mum believed in spare the rod and spoil the child. These days she would probably have been in a lot of trouble and rightly so.

I think dh and I were pretty chilled parents, but we would never put up with rudeness, bad manners, or answering back. Maybe we were just lucky but such matters very rarely arose.

Dh’s father was very strict, to the point of harshness, from all I’ve ever heard - resulting ultimately in his eldest brother leaving home and not returning at all for 2 years - so
dh certainly went the other way.

My folks expected instant obedience and almost invariably got it. They weren’t particularly strict at all, and there was only the occasional smack, but my father in particular (who was a very jolly type) had a natural authority - TBH we just did as we were told - albeit maybe sometimes sulkily. We would never have thought of answering back - that would almost certainly have resulted in a very swift wallop.

TBH I’m often shocked to hear younger parents complaining of children’s blatant rudeness to them - and the helpless ‘What can you do?’ attitude from such parents.

"What is happening to our young people? They disrespect their elders, they disobey their parents. They ignore the law. They riot in the streets, inflamed with wild notions.
Comment from Plato.....

It is part of growing older to complain about youth. Also is, always has been!!!!!

Not to mention Shakespeare, Franbern - something on the lines of, ‘Would that there were no age between 15 and 30 because in between there is nothing but stealing, fighting, wronging the ancientry, getting wenches with child…’.

IIRC from Henry IV part 2, though could well be wrong.

We believed in setting boundaries but were open to reasoned negotiation from our children. Rather than “what would you like for dinner?” they might be asked “ would you prefer fish or chicken for dinner?” I never cooked a separate meal for anyone. I have seen some younger mums pandering to every child’s preferences turning dinner into a logistic nightmare.

Our two never had a tantrum or meltdown. We had disagreements certainly but they knew where the line was drawn and that they were loved and protected.
Manners were paramount and rudeness wasn’t tolerated. They learned how to conduct themselves e.g. at the table by example.
I am delighted to say our grandchildren are being brought up mostly in a similar manner.

I’m currently on vacation and have been entertained watching how the various nationalities treat their children. The restaurant in particular is fascinating We returned to this hotel because the food is very high quality with lots of choice. In my day we would have taken a child each to the serving stations to guide their choices.
It seems that most of the children here are allowed to select what they fancy resulting in some fascinating combinations such as chips covered in Nutella, plates piled with deserts etc
I believe the parents are taking the “anything for a quiet life” approach.
I can’t help but feel a bit sad for the little ones.

My grandchildren have all been brought up without any rules and never heard the word No. I am horrified by their chaotic bedrooms, their crazy diets, their hideous clothes. But I didn’t do things the way my grandparents did and don’t expect my daughters to either.