How do I deal with a rude 12 year old nephew?

It is not normal behaviour for a twelve year old to be rude to adults, in his house and elsewhere; that is simply an excuse. Every child is capable of learning good manners. The problems lie with the parents because they tolerate his poor behaviour, and as they allowed him to treat his aunt with contempt in his own home it is likely he will do the same thing again. She is already dreading the visit and that is not right.
She and her husband need to make it clear immediately, should he be rude, that his behaviour is not acceptable; say so firmly, then leave the parents alone to deal with him. It may result in them leaving, but so what? Attempting to accommodate oafish behaviour only makes it worse, as his aunt discovered.

I agree eazybee at 12 years old the boy should realise what behaviour is acceptable. I most certainly would say that I don't accept rudeness but if he is not happy with something then we should be able to discuss it in a reasonable manner.

Just tell him ‘it’s not big and it’s not clever, so button it for a while and go and find something to do’.
Cheeky bugger.
He’s trying to get a rise out of you (or his parents). Who knows/cares? Your not a psychologist and he’s just a very naughty boy (said in Life of Brian mode).
Good luck whatever you decide.
Do come back in the NY and let us know how things turned out though!

I think you need to try and find a chance to talk to his mum and dad about it before deciding what to do.

It should not be normal behaviour in the 21st century for a young male to believe he can ignore women and ride roughshod over their feelings.

I used to teach a most revolting 11 year old boy who did his best to upset female teachers. I asked his opinion on some computer design one day in passing and from that day he was fine with me. He actually had a very high IQ but his mother had no idea how to handle him. You actually had to negotiate with him and get him to 'help' rather than do what you told him.

It's amazing what you can get put of children just by showing an interest in what matters to them and engaging them in their interests.

Too much of being a child is clearly defined. I remember our old school and you went in to a wall of identical drawings. Pretty but the formula so defined that the outcome was the same. Yet if you give a child a topic, a range of mediums and encourage their interests within it you get some amazing i individual outcomes.

Growing up shouldn't be about being what the adults around you think you should be. It should be about becoming the best version of you.

When you try to force children down your own ideal path and place heavy expectations on them to conform, they may try to please you or they may rebel

Let’s get this clear - there will be four adults and one extremely rude twelve year old.
Four adults and one child! I’m astonished that so many of you think his behaviour is normal.
Put simply, this child is rude because he’s been allowed to be rude.

There’s no way I would tolerate it especially in my own home.
Ok I know it’s tricky disciplining a child when the parents are present, but if they don’t speak up, I would have to, quietly and firmly.

Yes OP please come back and tell us how you got on!

It shouldn't be about letting a child be unpleasant. The two are not mutually exclusive. Unpleasant children are not popular with their peers and to let them continue with that behaviour is not showing them any kindness.

Sorry Violetsky you are wrong, his behaviour is not acceptable at ANY age, would you allow an adult man to behave that way, I don’t think so and it’s certainly not acceptable for a 12 year old. I think his grandfather telling him in a strong voice to join in the conversation in a respectful way or leave the room. He might take more notice

Golly what perfect children some of you must have raised!

He's 12, he's trying to develop ideas and judgements of his own. Perhaps he isn't doing it very well at the moment but it's obvious his father doesn't have any problems with the way he's doing it but his mother does. Not surprisingly he's ignoring both of them and any other adult who he has dealings with.
If you had a close long term relationship with the boy you might be able to work with him and change his behaviour. But he's only with you for a few days. Organise lots of activities out of the house and provide him with space and entertainment in it. Computer access/TV/ games consuls etc. Limit your contact with him. The most likely time of conflict then is mealtimes. Find out his favourite foods and dish them up, hopefully he'll be too busy eating to argue.

Isn't the whole point of these threads that an OP asks for advice and we each give ours?

I'm not the only one who has shared the same advice either so unsure why I am being singled out.

If you guys have a problem with what I've suggested

Ie:

Modeling respectful behaviour as adults

Showing an interest in a young person's own interests

Listening to their thoughts and opinions

Changing the subject if opinions differ

Leaving the conversation if it becomes rude

And instead would rather put the child in their place by either telling them to shut up and go away or using the male voice in the house as a more intimidating authority...

You do you

My advice is still valid

No 12 year old I have ever met behaves like this. It is not at all normal but as long as this boy’s father allows it, he is doing his son a disservice by not teaching him this is unacceptable rude behaviour and won’t be tolerated, his son will be ostracised and unloveable. And, yes, many will ignore him.
The fault is that of the father, not this 12 yr old boy.

12 year olds can be horrid - but if ignored, with no audience or reaction, usually settle down. Why let a child upset you? I'd plan on keeping him occupied rather than correcting his behaviour.

VioletSky

He is 12, quite a normal stage of development really.

Best way to teach children how to be respectful is by showing them respect.

If he has opinions and ideas, listen as you would like to be listened too.

If he is rude, don't be rude back, don't undermine him by having an adult try to put him in some sort of place, just leave the conversation.

Children learn by example

It's not fun for most 12 year olds to hang out with older relatives rather than peers so include him as an equal with respect and you will probably get it back

Do you really believe that the way to stop bad behaviour is by showing the participant respect? Or are you chanting the recent teacher Mantra.
How about respect for the person whose house you are visiting whether you want to be there or not?
When I taught I had a child who was so disruptive he trashed my classroom and I had to send the class to another teacher for their safety.
I eventually sat on a bench and when he threatened to trash the computers I sat and looked at him and told him that if he did his parents would have to pay and that would be no more toys or treats for him for a while. He stopped instantly.

Yammy - this isn't a teacher dealing with a disruptive pupil (and yes, I've dealt with a few in my time). It's a great aunt (I think) asking about her niece's son, so not a comparable situation.

I agree with VioletSky. As role models, we demonstrate adult, respectful behaviour. Of course, the parents should discipline - but not distant relatives. If there were any problems, I'd be having a quiet word with the parents, no doubt.

Yummy

Show respect to children in order to teach them how to show respect

Too many adults show no respect to children and are shocked when they get none back

Try to have some games he can play in another room. Ask him to help grandad with something in the garden perhaps.
On another topic, a teacher was telling me yesterday that she has had an influx of young Asian boys this term and they are so rude to their mothers and the girls in the class. They act like little princes even in primary school because that is the way they have been brought up.

VioletSky

It's amazing what you can get put of children just by showing an interest in what matters to them and engaging them in their interests.

Too much of being a child is clearly defined. I remember our old school and you went in to a wall of identical drawings. Pretty but the formula so defined that the outcome was the same. Yet if you give a child a topic, a range of mediums and encourage their interests within it you get some amazing i individual outcomes.

Growing up shouldn't be about being what the adults around you think you should be. It should be about becoming the best version of you.

When you try to force children down your own ideal path and place heavy expectations on them to conform, they may try to please you or they may rebel

I totally agree with you and thank you for sharing your very insightful post.

Perhaps talk to him about his interests, engage politely.

Maybe ask his help with a tech issue, he surely understands?

I see no reason for either you or H to "make what is acceptable clear" - ignore his behaviour, he's not your child to discipline.

Norah

Perhaps talk to him about his interests, engage politely.

Maybe ask his help with a tech issue, he surely understands?

I see no reason for either you or H to "make what is acceptable clear" - ignore his behaviour, he's not your child to discipline.

I'm in the ignore his rude behaviour camp too. And if you can find some common ground, utilise it.

Wow, hang on.
Wait until the visit and don't anticipate bad behaviour before its happened, the lad may be perfectly civil and having you waiting for him to misbehave - armed with an arsenal of put-downs - isn't going to create a good atmosphere is it?
Let him disagree with you, if he truly has something to say he is entitled to express it as long as he's civil. Just because he thinks your views are rubbish isn't rude, its only rude if he shouts you down or calls you names.
Ask him quietly to explain WHY he thinks your opinion is rubbish, and treat him as a grown up. It sounds as though his parents are treating him as a child and the only way he can express what he thinks is by shouting.
That is the time to stand up and say if you can't be polite I can't be bothered to listen to you. Then walk out.
Or you could turn to his parents and ask 'are you going to let him talk to me like that?'
Don't anticipate bad behaviour, he may be fine this time, and he will grow out of it.

But he was shouting, shouting over people and I am sorry but that is not acceptable behaviour. If he is allowed to carryon with this behaviour he will think it’s acceptable and so someone needs to have a firm, yes Violetsky firm, chat with him and usually in my experience a word or two in private from a senior member of the family will do the trick. If he is not put on the right path it is doing him no favours for the future.

If he is not put on the right path it is doing him no favours for the future exactly Barmeyoldbat. Any tolerance of bad behaviour he experiences from his parents and relatives, will not be exhibited by his peers.

Barmeyoldbat

But he was shouting, shouting over people and I am sorry but that is not acceptable behaviour. If he is allowed to carryon with this behaviour he will think it’s acceptable and so someone needs to have a firm, yes Violetsky firm, chat with him and usually in my experience a word or two in private from a senior member of the family will do the trick. If he is not put on the right path it is doing him no favours for the future.

Maybe I misunderstood?

He has parents to "put him on the right path" and have "firm chats with him". It's not you or your H place to discipline him. My opinion.