How do I deal with a rude 12 year old nephew?

Adults shout over each other all the time

I have really appreciated all the comments made following my post. I have had a talk with his grandmother (my SIL) and it is obvious from what she told me that pressure is part of the problem. His father runs his own very successful business and is very 'driven'. Without going into detail, the great nephew has sporting commitments which entail training on two nights a week and events at weekends, in addition to sport at school and apparently a huge amount of homework. I am hoping that he will have relaxed a bit by the time they come to us, as they will have been staying over Christmas at a forest resort near to us. I have quite a few rubik cube and similar type puzzles for the two boys to enjoy and we have a tv in a room to which they can retreat. The 10 year old is very different to his brother - but isn't it always thus!

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

It has been my experience that 12 year olds are excited to be part nonetheless adult group and want to be involved in adult discussions.

They learn by being allowed to engage and make mistakes, including rude ones, and being led through the conversation and shown the not rude way as it happens.

As a parent, for me, it was annoying but an essential part of parenting. (Not going to lie, vertain parts of parenting is annoying).

Glad that the reason for his past behavior has been identified.

Nonetheless should say of the.

I have no idea how autocorrect even got there.

Barmeyoldbat

But he was shouting, shouting over people and I am sorry but that is not acceptable behaviour. If he is allowed to carryon with this behaviour he will think it’s acceptable and so someone needs to have a firm, yes Violetsky firm, chat with him and usually in my experience a word or two in private from a senior member of the family will do the trick. If he is not put on the right path it is doing him no favours for the future.

I so agree with you. If you indulge they are not having acceptable behaviour demonstrated to him. If my DDs had been like that at relatives I would have been ashamed to even expect to be invited back. Play a board game with him he would probably laugh in your face.

When I got into my teens I hated family visits and /or days out. I was sure to end up with a whalloping from my father regardless of what I did or how well I tried to behave. I used to duck out and go to spend the day with a friend or at my gran's house. After age 16 I never went on a family holiday again. Parenting was a lot more casual then so 16 was considered acceptable for me to stay home alone for a week. My mother did arrange for a neighbour to call round but I never answered the door.

I have two adolescent grandchildren whose behaviour and appalling rudeness and physical and psychological aggression towards their parents are unbelievable. The next grandchild, aged ten, is sometimes well behaved and sometimes horrendous as he copies his next older brother. The youngest, seven, is still a well-mannered, loving little boy but completely loses the plot when he is bullied by the ten-year-old and spouts swear words I had never even heard when I was that young but he has learned from the 14-year-old.

There are two older grandchildren. My elder granddaughter, who will 19 tomorrow, went through a phase of "life is misery" and "I live on the dark side of the moon" when she was a pre-teen, rather than verbal or physical abuse towards others in the family. I was a bit way that too, writing endless awful "poems". She is now a completely lovely, thoughtful, quietly confident and ambitious young woman. My eldest grandson didn't have great teenage years and was very resentful of his mother's divorce from his father and her marriage to her current husband, although my son-in-law was, in every way but biology, a loving father who raised him from babyhood. He – grandson, not son-in-law – will be 21 in January and is currently living with me because he had to leave the place he was previously renting. He is a model lodger, loves his mother, step-father and family and frequently treats me to random hugs. He also comes and chats about his life, thoughts and girlfriends and my life – now and when I was young – not often, but occasionally.

I have cut all contact with the the 15-year-old granddaughter because of her extreme behaviour and aggression towards her parents, her selfishness and highly developed sense of entitlement. I do love her and she has never mistreated me or even been rude but I suspect only because she thinks I am a silly old woman who is easily hoodwinked. I am not. I am thinking of cutting all contact with her 14-year old brother whose behaviour is similar to hers without quite such a sense of entitlement, although he has a tendency to smash things, including interior walls of their family home, when he is thwarted. He also conspired with friends to steal Mr absent's car – probably for joy-riding – while he was dying of cancer. They failed to do so.

Their parents, who are both intelligent and loving people, are having an awful time and are distressed beyond belief. They have sought help from various sources – none of which has been very helpful. The other grandparents have had both teenagers living with them for several months – not at the same time – and it has wrecked them, causing severe health problems.

Adolescence and pre-pubescence are horrible and confusing times for most young people and their families. I wasn't exactly sweetness and light myself but we never had the internet and all the unreliable social media that is around these days. I don't think there is any way forward except gritting your teeth, reiterating what they need to know and understand about how life, families, responsibilities etc. are a two-way street and their own approaching adulthood. Of course they won't listen – let alone change – until by some mysterious process of osmosis – these things surface as their brains mature. At least, I hope so.

Not any kind of solution – sorry. Just persist.

My brother had a son like this as a teen, they tried everything, but ended up ignoring his behavior, treating him the same as the other children, if he didn’t want to cooperate it was his loss.
He did grow up eventually but missed out on a lot of activities, it’s one of the challenges of parenting. On balance girls can be more of a challenge

Riverwalk

^He is 12, quite a normal stage of development really.^

No it's not!

too right. It is not at all normal. All the 12 year olds I have been in contact with through my life (many) have been lovely and absolutely knew not ever to be rude to an adult. Something is going wrong in the boys own home. Perhaps the parents talk about you in a derogatory way and the boy thinks he can carry it on

Why do they need to stay at your house and why should you entertain them when it’s obvious you are dreading it. They have no control over their son so why should you try too.

I would not put up with obnoxious behaviour from anyone I don’t care who they are. We had a house party years ago and friends brought their two sons it was my teenage son who put them in their place for being rude.

Why don’t you cut the visit short it’s up to you if you make an excuse. If enough people do this they might just get the message.

Quite likely there was a difficult situation at home, it happens often, sometimes children react in this way, others differently.
Even in well regulated families, children have different personalities, I had 4 boys, 2 boisterous 2 quiet, none particularly rebellious, the quiet ones needed more encouragement, they all went through Cubs and Scouts which gave them an interest they all could enjoy.

VioletSky

Adults shout over each other all the time

No they don't.

Maybe the OP should "develop" some problem or infirmity that means she will be unable to host this family after all? It sounds from her posts at 26-Nov-22 13:36:17 and 26-Nov-22 23:26:57 as though there are tensions within it - driven father, unhappy mother, micro-managed surly child who doesn't want to be there - that overflow onto innocent bystanders. No-one will enjoy it, she will be on edge waiting for the next. It won't lead to a pleasant Christmas.

"VioletSky
Adults shout over each other all the time

No they don't."

No, not in my world either.

If the boy has a point he's trying to make singingnutty, tell him, "I'm happy to listen to your point of view, but just say it in a polite voice, there's no need to shout at me thank you."

Then let him explain his point of view and discuss it with him.
Give him that time, let him feel part of the conversation.

Of course he may not respond to this approach from what you say in your original post, in which case a "look" and turn back to the person you were previously talking to and carry on regardless!

absent your family's situation sounds horrendous, I'm so sorry for you.

I don't know what world you inhabit where all children are well behaved and quiet. My own children were a bloody nightmare and some people's kids were even worse than mine

We are all in the same world as you - but it is not obligatory to put up with it. Babies know only their own needs and comfort, and they scream until they get them. Adults (most of them) are aware of other people's needs and comforts, and act considerately toward them. Children are on a journey from one to the other, and often need a bit of guidance.

VioletSky

Adults shout over each other all the time

Mine don't.

Neither do mine but it does happen sadly

I've been shouted over approximately 17 times in the last 20 minutes reading gransnet lol

Children are on a journey from one to the other, and often need a bit of guidance.

If you give kids this guidance when they are very young (pre-school; Princess of Wales has it right on that front), they tend not to need it by the time they're 12.

Fortunately they are coming after Christmas. I would hope you have an enjoyable Christmas planned and then you can do the good deed of having your nephew and family stay. Treat it as an experiment, if it is an unpleasant few days then never invite them over again, why should you? If it is ok then possibly do have them. Thankfully none of my nephews or nieces have stayed with us for years. We see them but not in each other's homes. It's just easier that way.

singingnutty

I have really appreciated all the comments made following my post. I have had a talk with his grandmother (my SIL) and it is obvious from what she told me that pressure is part of the problem. His father runs his own very successful business and is very 'driven'. Without going into detail, the great nephew has sporting commitments which entail training on two nights a week and events at weekends, in addition to sport at school and apparently a huge amount of homework. I am hoping that he will have relaxed a bit by the time they come to us, as they will have been staying over Christmas at a forest resort near to us. I have quite a few rubik cube and similar type puzzles for the two boys to enjoy and we have a tv in a room to which they can retreat. The 10 year old is very different to his brother - but isn't it always thus!

That explains so much singingnutty the pressure the lad is under.
Driven, probably "driving" father, possibly often absent, mum probably feeling neglected by driven husband - possibly cant always stand up to him.

I applaud your understanding and also your solution now you've posted. For them to have a TV room to escape to is great.

Yes, set some boundaries about rudeness to you, only you know best what they are, so many suggestions above, what works for you.

How have you been shouted over Violetsky?

JaneJudge

I don't know what world you inhabit where all children are well behaved and quiet. My own children were a bloody nightmare and some people's kids were even worse than mine

Mine were always great when visiting relatives. Different at home leading to one being put out at 16 after trying to set fire to his room.