Not knowing when to give up.

Dottydots

I told myself to give up driving. I would like to tell my man friend to stop blowing his nose and sniffing so loudly!

Do it!

I think you have answered your own questions you have an opinion voice it I wouldn’t hesitate.

If it is a choir and the quality of your singing matters then the choir leader will regularly re-audition people. If they do not then they are happy for members to continue, even after their voices and singing deteriorates, so your friend remains entitles to be in the choir. If you do not like her singing, stand next to someone else.

Nothing leads to old age and decrepitude faster than people deciding to give up things because, essentially, becaus or they cannot be bothered and they think that as they are getting older, it is too much effort.

I am doing everything to keep myself doing everything I always did and still enjoy, actually increasing my involvement in some activities. My father lived an active life until he died after a short illness at the age of 92. He was still actively involved in three village groups, on the committees of all. I aim to emulate him.

Cabbie21

The issue with choral singing, depending on the type pf music, is that a voice which is “ off” can spoil the performance, eg unable to reach the top notes, and instead of just miming that bit, they sing flat or nowhere near the note. It is different from something you do for your own pleasure, like painting.

I’ve only been in auditioned choirs, so there was no chance of outstaying my welcome. Even so, I left before the last audition, because I thought it better for my morale to go before I was pushed! I felt my singing was going off.

I should make it clear that this wasn’t recently. I stopped singing in my fifties. I’m 82 now.

Thank goodness we are all so wonderfully different... respect that..

Cabbie 21 - maybe it's time for you to give up being so internally judgmental of others. It's not actually any of your business what a friend does with her money, maybe she gets more pleasure out of her cat's company than she does out of her friends'; nor is it any of your business if there's someone singing out of tune in your choir - if you feel so strongly about it maybe you leave the choir and go to one that requires an audition; and as for the driving - well, who's to say that your evaluation of someone's capacity to drive is correct? In that particular case maybe you ask if when you're a passenger that person drives a little slower but clothe that request in something like you're becoming motion sick in your later years so your comment about the driving comes gently.

I hope my family would tell me when it is time to give something up.
My DDs do with fashion and makeup,DH when I am worried about coping with visitors....no the sheets never got ironed just the pillowcases.
I know my cooking is not what it was and I can no longer multitask as I could.
I also encourage friends if and when they ask if is it time for them to stop something. Ask being the focus word.

There are many choirs now for people who are not “singers”. They are extremely popular, helped by Gareth Malone.
It’s so enjoyable singing with a group of people and there is no excuse to give up completely, just make a compromise.

I had a similar situation with a friend/colleague, who had a very elderly dog. He could barely walk, he was constantly at the vets, who, I think, suggested it was time to say goodbye. But she wouldn't /couldn't. I could not avoid the feeling she was keeping him alive for her, but never said so. Should I have? 🤔 I genuinely felt it was being cruel keeping him alive, when he had no quality of life, but no, I never said so. Was I wrong? 🤔 I still don't know. She did have to have him pts eventually, but the poor animal suffered far longer than he should, IMHO. 😢

My advice is the same as most others on here. Stay out of what others want to do unless you are very close with the people or you will loose friends.

My father honestly thought he was a safe driver - he wasn’t - & refused to give up. The GP kept passing him as medically fit to drive. In the end I managed to get him to take an assessment- the poor assessor stopped the test half way through and took away Dad’s license. The rest of the family thought I’d been cruel but who would have had to explain the reason for the fatal accident which was just waiting to happen?

I belong to a walking group, one of our members really can’t manage the walks anymore but won’t stop, so we all have to walk slowly and each week one of us have to turn back half way to accompany this lady back to the start. None of us like to say anything because she loves coming, but it’s not the walking experience we want.

Overthemoongran Do you think its the company rather than the walk she enjoys? Maybe you could all arrange to meet for a coffee or a drink after and suggest she joins you then?

Yammy I hope my family would tell me when it is time to give something up. My DDs do with fashion and makeup.

Our daughters advise on nothing except fashion - we listen. 'Gran-look' is hopefully years away.

With driving it is a safety issue. Maybe your friend could attend a tuneless choir. They do have them, but if you have made alot of effort at something it is hard to give it up. I have written 3 novels, been writing since I was 10, but CANNOT give up as I want to be published before I shuffle off this mortal coil. You could have a word with the choir master yourself. As for the cat well pets are more loyal than people

Are you serious, I have spent loads on my gorgeous African grey because he is worth every penny. He is almost human! How dare you comment on what a person spends on their pet.

Some choirs are auditioned and my FiL was very upset to have to leave a choir as his voice was no longer up to it, especially as MiL was still welcome! The choir I sing with isn't auditioned and there are a few singers who are seriously bad and can't read music so struggle to get things right. I sit next to one and it makes things very difficult - I enjoy it so much more if she misses a rehearsal. I often wonder if the audience can tell. I hope they don't think it's me!

Nanaturbe I d be mortified if someone told me my art work was lovely if it wasn’t It’s really hard but it would make a mockery of my work I d certainly be hurt if someone said ‘that’s awfu’ but I would know the difference between ‘oh that’s really lovely’ or ‘bet that took a lot of work’ or something like ‘I m not much into art but bet you worked hard on that’ or something noncommittal
I once showed my friend a poem I was very proud of and had had published she was truthful and said ‘I m really not into poetry and don’t really like reading it’ that didn’t hurt too much it’s just not her thing but I would not have liked her to say it was lovely

Who you sit next to is just so important in a choir!

misty12

Are you serious, I have spent loads on my gorgeous African grey because he is worth every penny. He is almost human! How dare you comment on what a person spends on their pet.

Exactly. I have many pets and they bring me daily joy. I would MUCH rather stay home with them than be with a "friend" who's judging me on what I spend and other things too, by the sound of it.

Cabbie21 sorry but you sound really judgmental. It's not your business to criticize what anyone else chooses to do with their time or their money. I can confirm that I would 1000% rather spend my time alone or with my pets than with someone who's judging and criticizing what others do.

VioletSky

Let people do the things that bring them joy and be happy for them.

Whether that is singing out of tune at the top of their voice or loving a bundle of fur that they think loves them back rather than seeing them as a food source and an occasional warm pillow.

I jest, I have too many cats and they are all the boss of me.

When it comes to public safety yes, your hand may be forced but you don't have to be the one to tell them, I think you can simply report it

YES. I have cats and a dog. If anyone told me to put one of them down, I would not want anything to do with that person.

I would just report it to the Police too, if I saw someone actually driving dangerously as road safety is a police matter and not my job to reason with someone or try to police them. I wonder if the person in question is not dangerous, but "might become dangerous".

I am also against hiding the car keys unless it's legally your car. If the car is not yours then you can not legally hide the keys because they are not yours to take. You go and speak to the police.

It is the choirmaster or mistress' job to tell a singer as kindly as possible that their voice is no longer suitable.

Please leave well alone, if you want to stay friends with the person in question.

If the friend is actually yourself, then ask the leader of the choir whether he or she agrees with your own feeling that your voice is not up to it any longer. It comes to us all, and by broaching the matter yourself, you will make a difficult discussion easier for both of you.

Likewise the cat; I personally prefer to have a beloved pet put to sleep rather than subject it to treatment that at best will only prolong its life a little longer.

But deciding when the time has come, is as anyone who has ever had a pet knows, a horrible decision to make.

If you are asked directly for your opinion, you might feel able to say gently, "Perhaps the time has come where puss is no longer enjoying life." but it is not your opinion or mine that counts here.

Hiding the car keys is a coward's way out, only of use, if we are talking about a host preventing a guest who has had too much to drink from driving home.

If it is time to tell your spouse or another close relative that they are no longer safe drivers, this has, in my experience, to be said straight out, again as kindly as possible.

The person concerned will be hurt - no doubt about that and if he or she takes no notice there is little you can do, except refuse to get into the car when they are driving.

I listen as well Norah and the presents they buy me to show me the way. They call their dad Rohan man. He said when asked last year that one of my outfits was "Care home Chic'.

What are people not telling you?

Hmmmm!!, How about that you are judgemental, unkind and meddling. In fact your one redeeming feature is that your thoughts are only shared by however many millions of people on this group and not to their faces. Presumably that means that we need to add two faced to your list of attributes?