Not knowing when to give up.

Would you make those comments to my face, Daftbag1?
Now who is being judgmental?

I have absolutely no doubt my two closest friends think the amount of time and money spent on my special needs dog is nuts. However my money my choice. He has a specialist whom he sees twice a year who would not be hesitant to tell me if she thought our dog had had enough.
The same may apply to your "friend "
Her husband maybe peeved , as you say, but surely you wouldn't involve yourself in marital discord ?

No, as I stated in my OP. Of course I said nothing,

Cabbie21 you asked "What is it people are not telling me, even?" at the end of your question.

A few of us have suggested that you come across as judgmental and critical. I think maybe your friends are trying not to hurt your feelings by telling you this and are instead distancing? Your desire to tell people what to do is suggesting they can't make good decisions for themselves and is a bit insulting.

It sounds like your friends are doing what makes them happy. What is the point of life if we do not choose to do what makes us happy?

“Be brave enough to suck at something new.” It takes a confident person to be able to do something new knowing they may “suck” at it. Knowing that others may laugh, mock, and criticize. Though, the upside of trying something new far outweighs the negative— being GREAT at it and even excelling! Have fun and feel free to do what you love.

It's not unfriendly or unloving to speak your mind if your friend is being silly, unhealthy, illegal, or cruel.

Our choir has regular 'auditions' to weed out the dead wood - so the situation doesn't arise. Driving, yes, dangerous - and a friend's stubborn old father had his car 'stolen' by a family member, just to put a stop to it.

I think we're more aware of the possibility of having to give things up as we get older. For me - I'm finding the annual clearing of the gutters somewhat terrifying. My balance skills are not what they were!

Going back to my poetry group, there is a lady there who is full of wisdoms which she loves to share and I notice she also dispenses them liberally on local social media. A couple of people have taken her on on Facebook but the company I keep are too polite to challenge her as she has a razor sharp brain and will brush you aside if challenged. Personally, I take a wide berth of her wherever possible.

Why should they give up if they are still enjoying themselves? Rod Stewart and Cliff Richards (and others) are still going when probably they shouldn’t be?

They should do what they love and not be governed by someone else's criticism. Generally people who sing are happier because it exercises the vagal nerve. Also people who are creative are happier. If you can't be who you are and do what you want when you are retired then it would be a pretty sad affair.

If I had a friend who was trying to edit me or trying to limit me, they would not stay my friend because that's controlling and toxic behaviour.

Have been the choir lady and although not verbally told, got a lot of nudges. The Choir I was going to is supposed to be a carers choir and for fun, but unfortunately the church we held it in decided to up fees a lot ( it was minimal before ) so we had to move, then got a new leader and opened up to general public and the whole thing got more serious. I left and was upset at time, but strong enough to look for another choir which is fun, due to pandemic not found yet. Suppose I want to say in a huge choir does it really matter if your friend goes slightly off key sometimes I n the scheme of things.

Maybe it does matter, but I'd let the person in charge say it so as not to hurt a friend.

jenpax

Overthemoongran Do you think its the company rather than the walk she enjoys? Maybe you could all arrange to meet for a coffee or a drink after and suggest she joins you then?

Yes, it is the company she wants, we all meet up for coffee at the end of the walk anyway, and she’s always there at the café on her second cup by the time we return. I feel guilty even mentioning it as it is probably the only exercise she gets all week, but it does mean that the rest of us have to start the walk very slowly and one person only gets half a walk.

If the quality of a voice is essential to a choir, they regularly re-audition everyone, but many choirs are just about people who love singing, and they do not hold regular re-auditions.

This seems to be the case here, so let the lady sing, for good or ill.

As far as the walking group goes, I'd probably consider deliberately doing a short and easy walk that ends up in a cafe so you can see it as a stroll that the older lady can join in with and you all get a social, but also arrange a separate walk in secret so you all can get good exercise and so she doesn't feel left out.

Singing is so beneficial. It would be a shame for anyone to be excluded and I wouldn't tell a friend they were singing badly. It would be critical and damaging.

Having met people off screen who like to tell others what they can't do, I feel like they are critical people who want to control and minimize others because they are not happy and can not stand to see other people enjoying themselves.

there is a lady there who is full of wisdoms which she loves to share and I notice she also dispenses them liberally on local social media. A couple of people have taken her on on Facebook but the company I keep are too polite to challenge her as she has a razor sharp brain and will brush you aside if challenged. Personally, I take a wide berth of her wherever possible

She sounds a lot like me. She is obviously the kind of person who does not allow herself to be walked over by petty officials and jobsworths - the kinds of individuals who often patronise older people. One day someone may be grateful for her knowledge and ability to research into things.

biglouis

*there is a lady there who is full of wisdoms which she loves to share and I notice she also dispenses them liberally on local social media. A couple of people have taken her on on Facebook but the company I keep are too polite to challenge her as she has a razor sharp brain and will brush you aside if challenged. Personally, I take a wide berth of her wherever possible*

She sounds a lot like me. She is obviously the kind of person who does not allow herself to be walked over by petty officials and jobsworths - the kinds of individuals who often patronise older people. One day someone may be grateful for her knowledge and ability to research into things.

Hi biglouis. I can honestly say that you really don't come across as the lady I am quoting. She is very egotistical and hogs the conversation never interested in the other person's perspective and it is always her way or no way. Your posts are always very valid, broad and balanced bringing with them wise experience to Gransnet.

In my family, it's a couple of real 'oldies' (87 and 92) who've developed the habit of dispensing their amazing wisdom to one and all.

It's a case of 'Well, I wouldn't do that, it's not sensible, a waste of time/money, all wrong, not right!'.

There's the dire personal comments too - 'You've put on weight/dyed your hair, that dress doesn't suit you and how can you walk in those shoes' (ad nauseum).

It's all so negative. I think their own worlds have become so restricted, they're now firmly stuck in the realm of observer and critic. They've lost their reserve and manners along the way. Of course, I never say anything.