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The death of my daughter ....

(45 Posts)
MadeInYorkshire Thu 01-Dec-22 10:04:53

Sorry - long post ....

As some of you will be aware, my daughter died a week ago today - I am heartbroken ..... Also as many of you will remember, I am disabled and unable to work and have to rely on state disability benefits. I called the DWP on Friday to inform them of her passing (she was also unable to work because of her severe MH difficulties) so that they could stop making payments and asked about the Funeral Grant. It turns out that the Funeral Grant is £1,000, but the cremation ALONE (without any service/flowers/music or anything , in this area is £958, and it appears that if ANYBODY else is contributing, then I won't even get it to make my contribution!

Her father (it took her death to get him to come and see her after 2 years) has signed on the dotted for 'the basics' - coffin, service, hearse etc BUT is moaning about anything else that costs that we would like included - eg a screen of her pictures during a period of reflection in the service, and is sending vicious cruel texts to myself and her sister saying things like 'it's not a wedding', 'we need to cut our coat according to our cloth', using the words 'jamboree' .... This man is well paid (as whenever he sends messages they usually include "I have been working for 40 years , most of that time I have been a 40% taxpayer'), has several foreign holidays a year, has SIX cars .... and has said he really doesn't know how he is going to be able to afford this unexpected expense and has an appointment with his Bank Manager (are there such people nowadays?) I am at my wit's end ....

Because of this ,we have decided to crowd fund so that we can give my girl the sendoff she deserved.

If you can spare anything, (and I know a lot of people like myself can't) even a couple of £'s, please could you help, just by sharing, this could help me a lot - thank you xx

[Fundraising link removed by GNHQ]

pascal30 Thu 01-Dec-22 16:07:56


Really sorry for your loss MadeInYorkshire flowers
A simple funeral is just as good if not better than a big display,
I went to a lovely simple funeral not long ago and it was very moving.
A flower cross on the coffin and a photo, heartfelt tributes, poems and hymns from the mourners.
All you need is love really.

Lovely post and I completely agree. Make it a community funeral with everyone contributing..

BlueBelle Thu 01-Dec-22 16:34:43

Oh madeinyorkshire I am so so sorry for your daughters death I can’t imagine how heartbreaking it is for you but I so agree with everyone else a meaningful funeral is so much more honest and beautiful than an expensive one
Please put all your complete love into the ceremony not necessarily your money
Sending a big hug and come on here and talk whenever you need any comfort I m sure you will find a lot of support xx

Joseanne Thu 01-Dec-22 16:38:31

flowers MadeInYorkshire

Hetty58 Thu 01-Dec-22 17:53:30

I think it's a natural reaction to somebody else taking over - and paying for 'the basics'. When my husband died, my mother (I'd never got along with her) took over completely. 'I'll pay for the funeral until the probate comes through' she said - and dragged me off to the register office, then the funeral directors. (I hadn't slept for 72 hours and wanted to just be at home with the children.) 'Right, only four handles on the coffin, not six, just one car - they can wait outside the crematorium, not come to the house, basic service, cremation, no flowers!'

I just sat there, stunned. I was so, so angry. A few days later, I went to the florist - and ordered a shedload of flowers on my credit card - something I wouldn't have done otherwise.

She was amazed when hundreds of people turned up, friends, neighbours, workmates, hospital staff etc. - and kept saying how lovely all the flowers were.

I'm fairly certain that banks will only release money for funerals, nothing else - and need to see the death certificate first. If a person has paid into a pension fund, there may be a named beneficiary.

SunshineSally Thu 01-Dec-22 19:22:26

MadeinYorkshire I’m so sorry to read your daughter died. Sending heartfelt hugs x💐x

sodapop Thu 01-Dec-22 19:30:30

I'm so sorry for your loss MadeinYorkshire I can't imagine how you must be feeling at the moment. I agree with others, put your love into the funeral and everything you feel for your daughter, that's all that matters now.
Take care of yourself too thanks

Joane123 Thu 01-Dec-22 21:48:06

flowers So sorry to read your post MadeinYorkshire.

Wyllow3 Thu 01-Dec-22 22:42:09


My deepest sympathy MadeInYorkshireflowers. Ignore him and think only of your last goodbye to your DD.

Yes. xxx

MadeInYorkshire Thu 01-Dec-22 23:08:22


I am so sorry to hear of your loss and send heartfelt wishes. I think it is so sad that your ex has chosen to make this a battle for you. I hope you can get through it the best way forward. There are strict rules about who has to be paid first out of an estate so you can use this to fight your corner. Is there an executor? As to your mother's contribution to the funeral, he has no right to determine how she spends her money so I would inform him of such. Now he has signed the paperwork for the funeral, he has a contract and will have to pay regardless. If that gives him complete control of that part of the day, make it so you have something that is more meaningful for you afterwards. You do not have to invite him.


However, there has been a new update ... I think someone may have had a word, possibly my best friend, she denies it was her (but she wishes she had, and was going to!?

"Just thought I’d update you to confirm that I’m now in a position to meet all the funeral costs estimated by the Funeral Directors - and I’ve advised them accordingly." Maybe one of the 6 cars has gone??

That's a COMPLETELY different tone to the previous one, which have been vicious and cruel to myself. and our other daughter who is in bits ....

cornergran Thu 01-Dec-22 23:13:05

My condolences madeinyorkshire, I can’t imagine the pain of the loss of a child. I’m so sorry your daughters father is making her final goodbye about money. Love doesn’t come attached to money, the heartfelt gestures you make will show the depth of your care.

nadateturbe Thu 01-Dec-22 23:30:26

I'm so glad he's changed his mind madeinyorkdhire.
So sorry for the loss of your daughter. 💐

tickingbird Thu 01-Dec-22 23:45:28

I’m so sorry to read of the death of your daughter. I send you my heartfelt condolences flowers

icanhandthemback Thu 01-Dec-22 23:54:14

MadeInYorkshire, I am so glad to hear your update although I can't imagine what sort of person puts a grieving mother through such stress. I hope everything goes smoothly for you from now on so you and your daughter can concentrate on getting yourselves back together. My thoughts are with you.

MawtheMerrier Fri 02-Dec-22 00:03:26

First of all, my sincerest condolences on losing your daughter. flowers
That this should have been made even worse by cruel and selfish man is unforgivable.
I am relieved that the worry about paying for the funeral has at last been lifted but shocked at his vindictiveness.
I hope you have good friends to support you as you will clearly need them. It in no way diminishes your sad loss though sad

Sasta Fri 02-Dec-22 01:06:37

I’m very sorry for the heartbreaking loss of your daughter MadeInYorkshire. Rise above his shabby behaviour, it says more about him and he has to live with himself, thankfully you don’t. Much love to you. xx

Hithere Fri 02-Dec-22 01:58:44

So glad it is working out in your favour, op

MadeInYorkshire Fri 02-Dec-22 09:09:46

Yes you are all right - we didn't want it to be 'expensive' but myself and her sister wanted it to be 'right', and everything IS ludicrously expensive!

I will be doing the flowers myself, we have a couple of her best friends singing, and playing piano, have booked a village community centre for afterwards and will be doing other things ourselves like printing the Order of Service, but at least we do now have it to do it with ....

Thank you all for your condolences ....

Grannybags Fri 02-Dec-22 10:08:56

So sorry about the death of your daughter flowers

The service sounds wonderful with singing and piano. Very personal

MadeInYorkshire Fri 02-Dec-22 10:38:21

.... and there will be attending, the first horse she had to call her own. The service will be non-religious, as her religion was Harry Potter and musical theatre, so there will be songs from the shows, some of which people from the congregation will be singing ....