grandad not accepting step grandchildren or stepdaughter

I’m with the just pass it on brigade. I think I’d make it clear to ds however that this is not your doing and you don’t approve. I’m sure ds knows what his dad is like. You are spending Christmas with ds and new family and will have a lovely time. Your ex will miss out and destroy his relationship with his son but that’s his choice. Nothing to blame you for.

In my view, pass the cheques on in an envelope address to your son. Throwing money away nowadays seems rather extravagant - lots of people could do with the money, could your son somehow pass it on to a charity?

I would hand the cheques back to your ex with a strong word telling him you won't be his messenger, then tell your son you have done so and go and enjoy the love of your new blended family. Keep clear of being an intermediary

My story is similar but in a way different. My late partner had 2 sons and I had 2. When my grandson was born my parner was ok with him but as he grew older he virtually ignored him when he came to stay. It was hard being in the middle and visits were awkward. When my grand daughter was born he was over the moon and went out of his way to talk to her. When he died he left £3000 to her and nothing to my grandson. I never got to the bottom of why he didn’t like my grandson

Anyone who wants to do something that could hurt or upset someone else should have the guts to do it themselves without trying to involve another in their behaviour. Tell him to do it himself. It's nothing to do with you.

So sad that chidden are being used this way. We have 8 great-grandchildren . 7 by birth but a lovely complementary one who calls me greatgrandma like the others do.

I agree with giving the cheque back to your ex-husband. Don't become piggy in the middle. This is between your son and his father.

Why not say to your son "Here's some money for you and family from your dad"?

Re your husband's only actual (blood line) grandchild, why shouldn't he give a cheque to this person?

I think you are focussing on the not giving to unrelated people rather than giving to related people. It doesn't have to be an issue. If you don't make it one, probably no-one else will either.

Has anyone tried to explain to your DH that he’s in effect cutting off your son and that this might lead to awful long term estrangement?

Usually we try and bite our tongues to avoid hurting our AC and GC?

Your DH sees things in a particular.r way but the reality is his and your DS has a new family. Maybe a male relative of your DH would explain the and any consequences of cutting off your DS family?

Good luck nannafunny

Tell your ex to post the cheques himself, with any luck they wont arrive til after Christmas (postal strikes) and so nobody's Christmas need be ruined! Why should you do his dirty work, and tell your son that you understand your ex is sending xmas cheques in the post.
I cant really see why your ex is behaving like this! Why on earth object to his sons step children! It makes zero sense to me.

I'd tell your son and ask him what he wants you to do. Let him decide.

I wouldn't even physically pass anything on.

The idea of an ex is that all their issues are now theirs, and you don't need to take any part, or try to smooth things over.

Has he not heard of the postal service.

I'm sorry you are caught in the middle of this difficult situation. When my ex left he kept in touch with his youngest daughter and family but my eldest daughter could not forgive him for walking out and wanted nothing to do with him.. I didn't get caught on between them but I can't imagine what your having to deal with . So sorry.

Galaxy

Has he not heard of the postal service.

Just so.
It seems like a subtle form of control, causing unease (potentially) in the family.

Nasty mean man - gosh some people are so awful 💔😡😡😡

Why pass it on? Get the man to send it to his son explaining his
reasoning.

Exactly it’s his shit not yours he must give it himself you’re not his messenger do NOT get involved Tell him you’re not passing anything on he can put it in an envelope and post it himself with or without his explanation
Not your shit don’t take it on No No No

nanafunny - your ex-husband is precisely that ... your 'ex' ... so why are you acting as a conduit between him and his son, and why is your daughter getting involved. It sounds like he wants to be pandered to, to keep some control. Personally, I would refuse to act on his behalf because that's exactly what you will be doing by conveying the cheque. I would then be absolutely transparent with your son and say that there was money exclusively for his son but you didn't want any part in the divisive matter. He will respect you for that and you'll be making a strong statement to your ex about whether or not you're prepared to run his errands in the future.

I would pass on the cheques and say notbing. Since your ex is comfortably off why not let them enjoy some extra cash without necessarily having any great thoughts of the donor. Good for them!

Tell your ex to send money to your son's account, let him distribute to his family. Ex should leave you out of this entirely

I would gently take my son aside and tell him about the cheques and what his father said and then he can decide what to do .

If your ex-husband only wants to give presents to your son and your son's biological children that is his business.

In your place, I would tell him this face to face or by phone, but you may prefer to send his cheque back to him by post with an explanatory note, stating that you find his behaviour on this point mean and unkind, but as he has the right to do as he pleases in this and all other matters, you are returning his cheque, so he can send it himself to your son.

Tell him and your daughter as well, that you in future have no intention of being used as a go-between in these matters, as you for your part intend to treat all your son's children, as his children, irrespective of whether they are related to him by blood, affection or adoption.

Kim19

I would pass on the cheques and say notbing. Since your ex is comfortably off why not let them enjoy some extra cash without necessarily having any great thoughts of the donor. Good for them!

If, indeed your son would be able to use the money, perhaps that is reason enough to pass it along, with the words your X said - not secret? Our children certainly enjoy extra money for needs in December.

This is such an old fashioned male viewpoint. Either give the cheques back to ex to deal with himself - with a few choice words on his nastiness, or give them to your son to deal with as he sees fit. As a step grandma I can recognise the " keeping the money in the family" way, but in changing times this is not always going to happen.