Do you go to funerals?

Only family and close friends and I would avoid them if I could.
A few years ago someone in our village died we did not know them but saw the procession through the village,all on foot joining in as their house was passed.
We decided then and there Ashes to Ashes and scatterd somewhere we like if the family want to, otherwise at the Crem.
I might leave a request for Edith Piaf's "No Regrets', and if he goes first DH is getting Bruce Springsteen's "Dancing in the dark& Better than the rest". He doesn't know it though, DD's do.
When I was young we had quite a lot of Irish in our community and the custom was for the whole neighbourhood to keep their curtains closed until after the funeral and turn mirrors to the wall.A friend who is Irish told me their wakes were something to be believed with the open coffin propped up in the corner and everyone legless.

I have vivid memories of when my grandparents died in rural Ireland in the 60’s and 70’s. They lay in an open coffin in the house for 2 days and the house was full of family and neighbours day and night reminiscing, praying, endless pots of tea and ham sandwiches and of course a generous supply of whiskey for anyone who wanted it.

The coffin wasn’t closed till minutes before we were due to leave for the funeral and everyone had said their final goodbyes. At that point the woman from the neighbouring farm was left in the house and as was customary she upturned all the kitchen chairs onto the table. This custom of not leaving the house empty until after the burial and upturning the chairs was so that the deceased person’s spirit would move on and not linger in the house.

I attend funerals of those I really care for but never go to the afters.

I only go to family and close friends and sometimes a person who has been a close colleague at a club or society that I might belong to.
I can’t image going to a funeral for the sake of it.

Still happens grannynannywammy although I didn’t know about the chairs but the body still lies in the open coffin in the house

Grannynannywanny

I have vivid memories of when my grandparents died in rural Ireland in the 60’s and 70’s. They lay in an open coffin in the house for 2 days and the house was full of family and neighbours day and night reminiscing, praying, endless pots of tea and ham sandwiches and of course a generous supply of whiskey for anyone who wanted it.

The coffin wasn’t closed till minutes before we were due to leave for the funeral and everyone had said their final goodbyes. At that point the woman from the neighbouring farm was left in the house and as was customary she upturned all the kitchen chairs onto the table. This custom of not leaving the house empty until after the burial and upturning the chairs was so that the deceased person’s spirit would move on and not linger in the house.

It sounds like that film 'The Others" in it the dead had been put in a chair and photographed . What you say sounds a lot like my friend told but not the upturned chairs.
I had Orange relations from Ireland and they stood around the grave holding hands except for two who didn't, they joined with the others to form a circle after the internment.
In DH village the journey from the church to the graveyard the coffin was put on what looked like a railway bogey and someone walked in front tolling a handbell. It was gut-wrenching to walk behind when it was someone close like my FIL.

It depends on different cultures too I suppose .I have worked with many different cultures and many different funeral beliefs . I have attended some funerals of a number of very elderly not close friends or family but to increase numbers , maybe that’s what the OP’s ex is doing .When my husband died some of my distant relatives I had had no contact with since my mother’s funeral the year before, came to DH’s funeral and it was lovely to see them and I appreciated they did make the journey to attend. Not really had a lot of contact since though ! I think funerals are entirely for the people left, so apart from saying I wish to be cremated I have left it entirely to the family to decide what to do.

My parents were from Southern Ireland but died here and had 'ordinary' funerals.
We were in for a shock when our much loved uncle died in rural Ireland. We were taken to the funeral home the night before the funeral where our uncle was lying in the open topped coffin. We stood around the coffin praying with several other people. The lid was then put on and it was carried up to the church with a crowd walking behind. There was then a church service.
The next day there was the funeral service then another service at the graveside. We were in shock. We had no idea about all this.

Yes, I’ve been to several family funerals in Ireland in recent years BlueBelle and all have been open coffins. It’s still a strong tradition. My own Irish mother was the only one in the family who broke with tradition. She was adamant before she died 20 years ago that her coffin was to be closed. She said “don’t have me lying there and everyone gawping at me!

I’ve not seen the upturned chairs tradition since my grandparents funerals. The graves were dug by male relatives and neighbours. When the job was done the men would each have a large glass of whiskey and pour the rest into the grave.

I live in rural Ireland, and as Grannynannywanny and BlueBelle have said, when someone dies in the community, most people either visit the house to pay their respects, and/or go to the church and burial. Not many cremations around here. There’s a local tradition of the neighbours digging the grave, which is not as unpleasant as it sounds! My husband, though not originally from the area, or even from Ireland, was delighted when he was asked to join the gravedigging party for someone who lived nearby. A local publican plied them with whiskey and told dirty stories to keep them entertained!

Unless it’s a particularly tragic death, the funeral is a celebration of the person’s life and a chance to meet and chat with friends. Sometimes there is a simple cup of tea and a bun after, but often these days there's a 3 course meal which is appreciated if travelling a distance.

Almost all funerals I have been to were in church and were uplifting occasions, celebrating the person’s life, and the hope of eternal life.
In more recent years, I have attended some where the burial has already taken place, privately, for close family only. The service in church which followed was a brighter occasion.

I think some of these funerals sound horrific. In my family only about a dozen attend but when my dad died I was quite annoyed with my ex who arrived with a friend we didn't know and they chatted loudly(deaf old men) through the special music we had chosen.
I went to my friends dads funeral and it was a nightmare. A farm kitchen filled with all the local women, then a long trek down country lanes to a packed church. The service lasted about an hour followed by another trek to the grave.

Family, close friends, and sometimes people when I know there will be few there and I wish to support them.

I'm in N.Ireland and when my mum was arranging her funeral she wanted her coffin lid closed as she didn't want everyone 'gawping' at her. After the funeral we went to a local club for tea and sandwiches and my friend's mum and dad arrived, which I thought was lovely. They looked very disappointed when they realised it was my mum's funeral and not their country and western dance that was usually held on that day.

Unless it’s someone very close no because it’s not easy to get time off in my job.

Fortunately I haven't had many funerals to go to recently but I do feel that it must help the family to see that their loved one was well thought of.

I do go to funerals to support the family and friends left behind. It is also a reminder to enjoy every day as I don't know when I'll be the next one in the wooden box!

But some funerals are very dull and what I find somewhat bizarre is that a complete stranger , celebrant or priest, eulogises about a person they have never met as if they had been great friends! But I do understand that sometimes the family is too distraught to say things and so the priest says it for them.

The up side is to chat with people I haven't seen in ages and it can rekindle friendships that have dwindled.

Philippa111

I do go to funerals to support the family and friends left behind. It is also a reminder to enjoy every day as I don't know when I'll be the next one in the wooden box!

But some funerals are very dull and what I find somewhat bizarre is that a complete stranger , celebrant or priest, eulogises about a person they have never met as if they had been great friends! But I do understand that sometimes the family is too distraught to say things and so the priest says it for them.

The up side is to chat with people I haven't seen in ages and it can rekindle friendships that have dwindled.

The funeral celebrants I know spend a great deal of time with the deceased person’s close relatives, finding out about them, and either helping or preparing a very personal eulogy, and other individual meaningful touches to the service.

I have been to some funerals where the person hired to take the funeral, frequently a church minister, has led a very impersonal service, even getting the dead person’s name wrong once or twice! Very upsetting.

I only go if I can't possibly avoid it, so very close friends and family only. I absolutely hate them, so will show my face, then leave as quickly as I can.

When my husband died, some neighbours, who hardly knew him, knocked on the door and asked if they could come to the service - so weird!

So -that's why I'm having an unattended cremation - as my whole family dislike funerals, I've already paid for it. It's cheaper and cuts out all the cr*p. All they have to do is scatter my ashes somewhere (anywhere) and have a pub lunch!

The only one I'd really want to go to is my own, when I'd get to hear all the nice things people were saying about me. "Didn't suffer fools gladly" instead of "cantankerous old bat"!

But of course I'd miss it anyway, which is why I see no point in arranging for one. I have no family left who are speaking to me, so I'd rather leave the funeral money for my friends to organise a decent piss-up in my honour.

I'd actually like to be buried at sea, to return my organic matter directly to the ecosystem, but I'm not sure if that can be arranged without a naval background. I have no illusions about any other kind of afterlife and I really don't care to be honest.

Only family and close friends. It’s hard enough as it is, but each to their own.

Yes, I went to the funeral of a friend this week. I know the family well and they went to a lot of trouble to celebrate J's life, I went along to support the family. It was lovely to see so many people turn out and I'm sure the family will have been pleased to see how many old friends and neighbours wanted to remember her.. A much younger friend died in the summer, it was a sad but uplifting service and I was able to talk to her close family, some had come over from Australia to spend some time with her in the few weeks of her life. I also met mutual friends with whom I had lost touch. I feel that funerals help with the difficult process of grieving. We had lunch with my late friend's husband a couple of weeks ago, he's still very sad but says friends and neighbours are helping him start to come to terms with his loss.

I haven't been to a funeral since my son's. My father and my mother in law died within the last 2 years and I did not attend. It might sound heartless but I realized that I found it better to say goodbye in my own way.

Also just to add I'm not having a funeral.