Another domineering individual

I have exactly the same . This person lives in another town and talks non stop about people nobody knows. It's soooo annoying . Even if one steers is back to general conversation she interrupts and off she goes again.

I had a friend like this for many years, it drove me mad, in the end I had to disengage she would talk over me. I couldn’t get a word in edgeways, I put up with it for years as I really liked her but in the end I was like a sponge soaking up her problems, she had quite a high opinion of herself and I tried to ignore that part as she found fault of everyone, 🤪 I must admit when I walked away it was a weight off my shoulders

Now I realise why I don't join on any sort of group like that. There always seems to be someone who takes over. It gets so boring after a time. No one else can get a word in.

Why do you always meet at the bore's friend's house? Can't you meet in a public garden? Or in the house of one of you? Or in a cafe? Can't most of yopu give the next meeting a miss, maybe you'll get asked why?

You need an explicit rule at your meetings. Not everyone knows the unwritten rule of conversation that people take turns.

Dream groups have a useful system , As we know, other people's dreams can be boring unless the speaker is a good raconteur. So what they do at dream groups is there is a small article, say a wooden bowl, on the coffee table and nobody speaks until they pick it up and hold it.

True, the controlling individual may hog the bowl unless it's prised from her hand, but at least the matter of good conversation would be introduced.

I bang on a bit sometimes, not so much now that I don't drink much!! However I can drone on if not stopped, it's a feeling that a big gap in conversation needs filling! but it's hard to stop if I do realise I'm droning, other than shut up completely. I've tried being demur/feminine(yuk) / timid, but all I get is " what's up with you?/cat got yer tongue/ are you awake?!" From DH who tells me to belt up then when I do thinks I'm sulking?!? Which I never ever do! Can't win..... Am I droning again........?

She may be unaware of her impact - possibly even has Aspergers syndrome. It's hard for others - and hard to remember that she may feel isolated herself, and not really know how to join in with a group. A real challenge for all of you.

I have a rather quiet voice, and most of my friends are retired teachers and business women. Needless to say, my attempts at joining the conversation are often overlooked. However they mostly lead far more interesting lives than I do, and aren't bores, so I don't mind.

I come from a family where we all compete for air space.My SIL used to find it difficult at first ,now he's the same as the rest of us.
I dont get the problem here ,if you dont want to listen to her,move away from her and others will no doubt stand and talk to you or let you talk to them.Simple .
Making a mountain out of a molehill springs to mind ,why on earth would you complain to her friend that her being a talker doesnt suit YOU ?

It seems a bit disingenuous everyone talking behind this lady's back and she would probably be mortified to know how others see her.
I wonder why she feels the need to dominate the conversation? I wonder what her background is and what else she has in her life? (or has had?) Could it be that this friendship is so important to her that she feels the need to impress everyone with her stories and anecdotes because she fears that if she doesn't join in the conversation she will be labelled as not interesting enough? Maybe next time you meet you could have a conversation about how people (in general- not being specific) dominate conversations and hope that she can either recognise herself and see the point or join in and you may find out her opinion on why "people in general" might do it ... but you may have to have another call which leaves her out to arrange it!!

I am afraid I know a person like this as well and she gives us all a headache. She is loud, opinionated and never stops talking even when others try to get a word in. If she feels we are not listening to her she sulks but carries on regardless.
She is incredibly insecure so it is hard to say anything to her even in jest.
I do not know what the answer is but I tend to avoid meetings which I know she will attend.

This must be quite a feature of groups because I also know someone who is determined the whole group will revolve around her. I think I have just become resigned to it and accept I can either leave the group - which I dont want to do - or put up with it. Since I made that decision it doesnt really bother me any more. I think some people have the kind of personality that thrives in the limelight and do everything they can to get maximum attention (sounds a bit like celebs in general!). Luckily I dont really like the spotlight on me at all so its probably an easy decision for me to let someone else do all the talking and not get too bothered by it.

LRavenscroft - like several others on this thread, I 'know' this lady - she is a member of our book group where we don't restrict ourselves to discussing the book. She's a kind, generous, and friendly person, but has obsessions about a certain family member and introduces them at every opportunity, proceeding to try to monopolise the conversation about that person. Privately the rest of us have discussed how to manage her and now we all make the effort to curtail her conversation when it becomes domineering. Likewise if she tries to start a 'private' conversation with the person next to her, that person responds by saying something like "Oh I'm interested in this other discussion, I'll talk to you later". These approaches are helping in a subtle way. If, however, you want to be more direct, you could be honest with your 'good friend' and suggest that you introduce a rule that in any chat, when anyone is holding the floor, they may only speak for 3 mins, anything more becomes a lecture - tell your friend that none of you wants to be lectured, and that if she really 'adores' the other person, she should fall in line with you in order to protect the domineering lady from being excluded from other groups. This may be the only group of friends she has managed to retain, courtesy of your good friend.

paddyann54

I come from a family where we all compete for air space.My SIL used to find it difficult at first ,now he's the same as the rest of us.
I dont get the problem here ,if you dont want to listen to her,move away from her and others will no doubt stand and talk to you or let you talk to them.Simple .
Making a mountain out of a molehill springs to mind ,why on earth would you complain to her friend that her being a talker doesnt suit YOU ?

Who has said anything about complaining to her friend that said lady being a talker doesn't suit us? Like I said way before, the host is delightful and we do not wish to lose her so I have chosen to simply zone out when said lady is around holding court. One simply asks general advice on this board and it is interesting to hear other people's different opinions.

I agree that as visitors you have an obligation to be polite to the other guests, but I do feel that your hostess should long since have tried to stop this person from domineering the conversation.

If she has tried, she obviously hasn't suceeded.

Have any of you others tried taking the person who can only talk about herself aside, and said to her that she comes over as very domineering and unable to listen?

Years ago, a good friend pointed precisely this failing out to me. Admittedly, to start with I was hurt and felt she was being unkind and unfair, but when I thought about it, I realised she was right.

I was chattering too much, all about my own affairs and not bothering to listen to anyone else, or even give them time to speak. I managed to curb this bad habit, and have since been very grateful to the honest friend who risked our friendship to give me a hint.

I was living alone at that time and so glad to be with others that I spoke non-stop and never stopped to think how irritating and arrogant this must have seemed to others.

I remained friends with my honest friend, as I was fortunately able to realise the justice of her hint.

It should be possible to say something like, "Excuse me X, I would really like to hear what Y was saying before you chipped in." if you don't feel like being more explict with her.

I have a neighbour like this! She brings every topic of conversation round to herself; not at all interested in what anyone else has to say. Her ailments are the worst; her DC & DGC are the best at the everything; she has more to put up with than anyone else! She comes across as very insensitive and seems to lack empathy for what others might be experiencing. She will initiate a conversation by asking how your DGC are and then rapidly talk about hers etc. It’s really irritating. Fortunately she’s a neighbour rather than a friend so I only speak to her in passing. Couldn’t be doing with hours of it!

Im the one who talks too much and have been all my life. I have a very quick brain and talk over peoples endings cos I know what they are going to say. Also i am forgetful and lose what I was going to say if I dont say it straight away. Ive been on all sorts of courses and learned listening skills. I have stopped being in groups especially on zoom when they decided you had to wave something before you spoke. Im just attention seeking I guess, but that is quite an ingrained thing from babyhood. It is exhausting and depressing trying to control myself in a group discussion. I am now seeking a diagnosis of adhd. Please dont ostracize the too much speaker. She is probably quite lonely. A quiet word from her friend, a sympathetic stance might help

I'd welcome any friend who talks more than anyone else if that friend were well informed and an entertaining speaker.

Gabrielle56

I bang on a bit sometimes, not so much now that I don't drink much!! However I can drone on if not stopped, it's a feeling that a big gap in conversation needs filling! but it's hard to stop if I do realise I'm droning, other than shut up completely. I've tried being demur/feminine(yuk) / timid, but all I get is " what's up with you?/cat got yer tongue/ are you awake?!" From DH who tells me to belt up then when I do thinks I'm sulking?!? Which I never ever do! Can't win..... Am I droning again........?

The issue is you try 'being' things rather than just relaxing and being yourself. You need to listen listen listen to the other people...be interested and really hear them. Silences are not gaps to be filled. Well done starting to notice what you do. Now work at not doing those things and being present instead.

I do know of just such a group, started by a lovely person to enable others to join in a friendly chat about their busyness, their plans, happy events.
Unfortunately over the years one other person has taken control of the group, all about her and her many ailments, some members express sympathy, others have dropped out. There was a concerted effort to try and turn things to a happier note, the way it used to be, but then she was suddenly at deaths door to swing back the attention to her. The saddest thing of all is that when those who get a word in on the odd occasion they need a bit of support, the dominant moaner will suddenly develop a much worse illness or problem and the one in need is put back in their box.
I’ve maintained my friendship with other members past and present but left the group for my own sanity.
I do join in with other more equal and positive groups, I enjoy a good chat, am more than happy to support others when they need it but not when one person dominates constantly.

I imagine that the obsessive woman in a group would not be an entertaining speaker. These unfortunate people seem to turn up in friendship groups. I'd not enjoy a group that lacks competent leadership.

I found these posts amusing as they reminded me of my ex mother in law. We made a plan that when she was visiting we would all talk over her and change the subject when she started talking about herself.After half an hour she got up and said she had to 'make tracks'. I know we can't change people but nor do we have to put up with them eh? !!

This is from the Jan 14th blog so I doubt if anyone will see this.
I don’t know which would be worse - sitting there while Chatty Cathy goes on and on and the rest are sitting there rolling their eyeballs… or having a bunch of “domineering” personalities in the same room competing for air time, talking over each other, raising the decibel level. Both are annoying. I’ve been in the middle of both situations. Not fun.
How about this - when CC gets going on her soapbox - just get up and walk into another room. Hehe! Maybe if there would be sort of a mass walk-out, leaving CC by herself, she might get the drift. If the hostess is annoyed… I doubt if you’ll lose her friendship.
It’s a kind of a direct action, but that rather than saying something out loud you might regret.
Cheers!
USA Gundy

It's really difficult when there is someone like that in a group. I'm in one where someone dominates. Let's call her Bossy Knickers. She grabs the floor before she has formulated a reply, so people sit politely during long silences where she gropes for words, but if anyone interrupts she starts up again.

We've tried doing the politician thing of keeping talking when BK interrupts, but it just ends up with three people talking at once, and the social dynamic is spoilt.

She also plays Top Trumps with conversations, by claiming to have superior knowledge on all sorts of grounds. She's a retired teacher, so it might be that she once taught a PSE lesson on whatever the subject is, or it might be that one of her children works in a particular field, so she can over-rule any of our opinions about it. In a recent discussion about someone's blood pressure medication, BK decided that she should stop taking it - the grounds for this diagnosis were that BK's husband is a medic - she seems to absorb a lot of information my osmosis .

I don't know what we can do about it. If you get past the know-all attitude, and the floor-hogging, she is a kind and generous person. I wouldn't want to hurt her, and I don't even know if she knows how annoying she is. The others in the group feel the same. We've talked about it (and feel bad about doing so) in the hope of finding a decent way of dealing with it, but can't come up with anything.

Easy answer, stop going. Eventually the hostess will ask whyand you can tell her nicely that though you like her ,the other person is really becoming an issue and you thought it best to stay away.
We really have to stop pussyfooting around people, life is too short.