DH doesn't want to go on holiday anymore

My sympathies, chattykathy. I am in the same boat. My DH retired just prior to covid, and we had plans that when I joined him we would enjoy some holidays abroad and at home, more often. I retired 18 months ago, but by then, I suspected he had Parkinson's which has since been diagnosed. After a lot of stress when he said he never wanted to holiday again (and wanted to just, it seems to me, sit at home and do practically nothing), when I was so looking forward to the holidays we'd planned for after the covid shutdown, I realised there was no point in pushing it, as his anxiety was very much a symptom of the Parkinson's, and if I'd continue to nag at him, it would only stress us both further, so I don't mention it now, and he's happier. I had already been going on solo holidays, once a year, as I like hiking and he doesn't, but I very much miss our holidays together. However, I have come to terms with the fact that our holidays together are over, but I will not give up my solo holidays until I have to - once he needs me here most or all of the time, that'll be it for my trips, so I'm doing as many as I can, a week at a time, whilst I can. I'll probably never go abroad again, which is sad, as he is adamant that he wants me to stay in UK, so I'm just making the most of that. I do not drive, so I use the trains a lot, and buses of course, but I also do Leger (or similar) coach trips, which are a reasonable price. You should try that! There's quite a range of places and lengths of trip, also abroad. It's taken me a while to accept the situation. If only we could see into the future and mentally prepare for this!! We can't, so it was sudden, and a shock. However, Parkinson's aside, I know many women whose husbands are just no longer interested in holidays but the wives are. We just have to do our own thing or we'll end up resenting them, I think! Incidentally, we're in our early 60s so we could still have many years left, and I really don't want to spend the rest of those years looking at the four walls, if I can help it! Go on, have an adventure of your own!

Cornflower, I did wonder about Parkinsons as this happened to a young friend of mine but the fact that it's been going on so long made me think it probably wasn't that.
So sorry your husband had this horrible disease.

CornflowerBlue My OH had Parkinsons and he did not want to travel (see my post above) - one of the predominant symptoms of his disease was anxiety - serious anxiety. If I am to be honest, his anxiety was a black cloud over a large chunk of our lives before he was officially diagnosed and got worse and worse as his illness slowly progressed.

PD comes in different variants: some have a big tremor problem, some less so. My OH did have tremor but anxiety and constipation were big factors for him, and this is a known PD combination of symptoms.

We (the whole family) took OH on holiday to Switzerland during his last years as it was his favourite place. He was fairly terrified beforehand, but did not want to let his kind DDs down, and there was quite a bit of anxiety whilst we were there, but there were precious moments that he loved and that was good to see.

Now that I could go away my health is getting in the way, and at the moment I content myself with going to lots of concerts. I live in a very very beautiful place and rejoice in the wonder all around me - so often I have been away and thought: this is no better than home! So I count my blessings.

I don't fly, both because I don't like it and because I have concerns for all those millions of gallons of aviation fuel emissions. I love gravel programmes though!

OP, I hope you can find some sort of compromise, but if he doesn't want to travel then he doesn't want to travel and he has the right not to do so. As long as he raises no objections to you going away then I think that is what you must do.

You are right to travel alone while it is still a possibility.

Travel programmes - not gravel!

Sounds like a few of you on this thread should meet up and organise a holiday together

For the first time last year, OH said I fancy a holiday with no driving. So we went on our first organised coach trip, but it was not for those who wanted to rest and ponder. Up at 7 each morning for 8.15 departure, and return at 7pm for dinner at 8, and lots and lots of walking.

There were 3 single women on the trip, and they fitted in with everyone very well, tended to walk together when on free time in towns, but sat with other couples and groups and were very content and comfortable.

I do hope you manage to organise some enjoyable trips on your own, chattykathy, and that he’ll be happy for you to do so.

Though I have to say I do rather dislike the implication from some posters that there must be something wrong - e.g. depression - with someone who doesn’t want to go away. Well, maybe there is, but….

I’ve often read or heard the same about introverts who aren’t keen on socialising. Whatever more intensely sociable people may like to think, there’s not necessarily anything wrong with them - they’re just different.

I do agree with you Whiff - I used to say my OH would have made a good lighthouse keeper!

I have often had holidays on my own or a couple of times with our daughter. OH spent his working life travelling and living all the world and just isn’t keen anymore. He’s happy to have holidays in this country. However, since he has developed a multitude of ailments, he would rather stay in self catering places rather than hotels so he can have his own room. We are going on a Danube river trip next month and paying for two separate cabins. Not cheap! If OHs are happy for their spouses to go on separate holidays that’s good. I’m not sure what I would do if OH made a fuss. Be assertive I expect.

Find a Saga holiday you really fancy that has a singles option, and tell him you are thinking of booking it for X month and does he want to come? Reassure him there’s no pressure, you are just giving him the option. If he says he’s not sure, say in that case you’ll put off booking until tomorrow to give him a chance to think it over.

If he still says no, then no fuss at all, just an okay, and book for yourself alone. Then don’t mention it again but put it in the calendar and crack on. Hopefully you will have a great trip. He may get FOMO and say yes the next time, but you may discover the joy of solo travel.

You can’t make him holiday with you shouldn’t miss out if it’s affordable and you want to do it.

Saga are expensive but very good. My aunt and uncle went with them a few times.

Witzend

I do hope you manage to organise some enjoyable trips on your own, chattykathy, and that he’ll be happy for you to do so.

Though I have to say I do rather dislike the implication from some posters that there must be something wrong - e.g. depression - with someone who doesn’t want to go away. Well, maybe there is, but….

I’ve often read or heard the same about introverts who aren’t keen on socialising. Whatever more intensely sociable people may like to think, there’s not necessarily anything wrong with them - they’re just different.

Some like me may have suggested depression if there had been a change in the OPs husbands daily activity and outlook.
For instance if my husband suddenly stopped wanting to go out be it holidays sporting events meals out or just the pub to meet his friends I would think there was an underlying problem.

Luckygirl13 - yes, I totally agree with you. His mobility is fine and his tremor is controlled with his medication, but his confidence has plummeted as his anxiety has increased hugely. I have started to watch lots of travel programmes, which he often also enjoys, as we both know we won't be going to these places, but as I say, that's fine, we've both accepted that now. He doesn't want to drive far now either, and as I can't I suggested we get him a senior railcard. Fine. Except our first trip was supposed to be two hours, but due to short staffing, delays and the intense heat (July),it took nearly seven hours so understandably, he went right off that too!! A lot of his concerns are due to his bladder and bowels and he likes to be close to a loo all the time, so I understand his worries. So sorry you had a such a hard time - I know I've got worse to come, hence wanting to enjoy things whilst I still can.
Witzend - I am one of those introverts who struggles to socialise in groups, hence I go on holidays alone, very well researched so that I don't end up stuck anywhere (though never had a problem), but my mum (widowed) is the opposite and she loves the escorted trips as she loves to have people to talk to all the time. If you are more introverted, you can still go on escorted trips - I went on one last year, but when we had a day or couple of hours free time, I always went off alone. I could cope with being on the coach with people, and I'm not shy, so did talk to people, just struggle if I don't have enough 'space' - I need to be surrounded by nature more often than people!!! So if an introvert thinks escorted trips are not for them, then think again, you may find they're fine. And as a non-driver, I get to go to places I wouldn't otherwise be able to on a bus or train!

I think because of Covid, the problems in the world (Russia/Ukraine) and also the delays and horror stories you hear about at airports etc it can make travel feel more daunting. However I think there is more to this than meets the eye. If your husband feels bullied then I think he is probably a bit depressed, worrying about other problems in his life so the last thing he can face is the feeling of being forced to do something he doesnt feel he wants to. I would give him a bit of time, a couple if months,when you dont mention holidays at all. I would then have a sensible discussion with him, maybe show him these posts and get further discussion going. Im sure, as you seem to have a happy marriage, he will understand that he will have to compromise in some way at some point. I wonder if he might be concerned that you might have an accident or be taken ill whilst on holiday and he will be left to cope with the situation alone in a place where he doesnt understand the language, money, transport etc. especially if you have done all the arranging beforehand which he might not understand. Possibly thats why he might be happier travelling with family who could help if anything went wrong. He might come round to consider a cruise or coach holiday where arrangements are easier and staff on hand to support. Probably best to ease him in very gently though with just a cottage in UK at a place fairly close to home first. I wish you luck.

Oh so many replies since I looked yesterday. Thank you to everyone who's taken the trouble to comment. I've taken onboard what you've all said and will back off for a while. He's indicated he might be open to one holiday this year so I think I will look at other trips in the UK without him. Not what I really want, of course, but I have to accept his views.
I'm so sorry to hear about either your or your partners' illnesses ( sorry I can't tag you) I think this is what I fear most, that either one of us will become too ill or infirm to travel one day. I want to make the most of it while we can. to all of you.

Go on your own. My husband enjoyed holidays abroad but not as often as I do so i always had 1 away on my own a year. He’s now had 3 strokes so can’t travel abroad and I’m his full time carer. I’m currently in Barbados having a wonderful week of rest and exploring. I’ll go back relaxed and feeling like my old self. Do it now get used to it (I love going away on my own) the knack is knowing what you want from the holiday and finding a suitable place, where you go as a couple is often very different from where you go on your own. Have fun! Don’t stop having adventures.

I think you need to at least try to discuss some sort of compromise with him. Difficult if he's refusing to discuss. Maybe covid threat is scaring him. How about suggesting short breaks that are a fairly short distance away. Maybe an hour away. There are some lovely places in the UK. Be as gentle and understanding as you can.

I don't like going away anymore. We did a of travelling in the past. I am now 76 and just don't feel like it. I have plenty of hobbies to keep me going. My husband does go away on walking holidays with a group. He is 7 years my junior. Don't pressurise your husband.

Seems a shame when you are both in good health. But you go and call his bluff go with a friend or a sister. Me and my other half are working all year round would love the chance to be together.

Why not do a SWOT with him? 1 sheet of paper divided into 4 quarters headed - Strengths, Weaknesses, Opportunities and Threats. Under each heading get him to list what are the strengths, weaknesses, opportunities and threats of going on holiday are..... he might then open up to what he enjoys, dreads etc.,

My mother got a couple of Valium for my DF when they flew. It did the trick.

grandtanteJE65

To be frank, I can see your husband's point of view.

You know that travelling makes him anxious, but have insisted on him doing so for years, apparently.

So sit down and take a long hard look at yourself. Why are your wishes regarding holidays more important than your husband's?

Then ask him politely if he would mind very much if you book a holiday for yourself alone this spring or summer.

See what he says.

Why drag a man you love on holidays he hates?

This. I am widowed now but didn't enjoy holidays away as much as my late husband did.

We’ve both gone off holidays, thankfully at the same time! We had two holidays abroad last year, and while we did enjoy them once there, the hassle of packing and travelling just put us off. I’m surprised no one on this thread has mentioned the cost of health insurance. If we’d listed all our ailments it would have cost more than the holiday! Luckily we were both fine, but neither of us have much enthusiasm for a holiday this year. And then there’s the expense…..

I don’t feel bothered about holidays anymore really, quite happy to be around home. DH is keen to go on them, he enjoys gazing at the brochures, but he does none of the organising, I do it all.

Left to him, we wouldn’t go anywhere if he had to sort it.

Men are selfish ,go on your own or have a girlie holiday, you'll probably have more fun

I’ve travelled all over the world with Singles companies, working thro my bucket list. Not all the travellers are divorced like me, some are widowed, some have invalid partners who can’t travel with them, and some like you, have husbands who now just won’t go anywhere. Live your life to the full as he doesn’t mind you going without him. Look at One Traveller, Just You or Saga Singles, I’d recommend any of them. Good luck and happy travelling ……

A motorhome has been my holiday for the past 12 years, I have toured the UK and spent time enjoying the winter sun in Spain. It was scary to begin with but gradually I got my confidence, there are thousands of us out there. There are groups for company or advice. My partner refused point blank to go when we were together but when we parted (over another issue) he was very keen to join me. There les need to be give and take and I enjoy travelling.