Are you a “people pleaser” ?

“Please others and you displease yourself”.
My late mother in law used to say that and I think it’s very true. I go along with most things to be honest. I have a sunny disposition and plenty of ‘me’ time so I truly don’t mind accommodating others as I often think ‘oh well, I can do such and such another time’. But occasionally if I feel I want to say ‘no’ then I do. I think confidence comes with age.

Ironically my 3 DD are self possessed confident and independent young women so at least thats not been handed on

Most probably because you told them you valued them jenpax and they knew they were loved and that they were ‘good enough’.

Some people have the most awful childhoods. No wonder they then struggle into adulthood trying to assess their own worth.

I agree Urmstongran that confidence comes with age and experience teaches that you can't please all of the people all of the time and if you try, the person you usually fail to please is yourself.

I had been a people pleaser all my life until about a year ago. Then a switch flipped. I'm still kind, and I'm softly-spoken but I am very able to say no.

Interestingly, when I am being kind and caring and compassionate to my neighbours in the supported living complex, I actually mean it more, show it more, and feel it more.

I'm 68 in April. It's taken a while. 🌼

Maw those were the first words out of my mother's mouth when I went home unmarried to tell her I was pregnant " what will the neighbours say"

I agree age & experience teaches us we can't please everyone. I also learned the value of being able to say ' no ' .
In the light of my first sentence I should have learned that earlier

I try not to be a people pleaser and hope that I am kind and considerate to others and their needs. To show respect to people we first have to respect ourselves and if that means putting my own needs first then that it what is important.

I am not a people pleaser and never have been. The women in my childhood, mother, grandmother, aunts, were not overtly feminist, but two generations had been widowed in their 30s so had to work to support their families and 2 never married but had good careers, one, a nurse headed the nursing school at a big London hospital, the other became a civil servant and reached a managerial level.

I was brought up to believe that men and women were each other's equals and that every woman needed to be able to earn their own living because, you never knew when you might need to be the family wage earner. I and my sisters were encouraged to get a good education, we all made it to university and then encouraged into 'safe' professions with good pensions, my mother was less successful in that!

It has never occurred to me, whatever company I am in, not to speak up for myself and others. Certainly I have never kowtowed to a man because they were male..

This did not mean that I was not brought up to be polite and well mannered and to dress nicely. None of those advantages stop you speaking up and making yourself heard. In fact they are very useful habits to have.

Oh yes, it mattered what other people thought. So much so that I didn’t leave my abusive first husband because I thought it would bring shame on my family. Unthinkable today except in some ethnic minority communities.

Germanshepherdsmum

Oh yes, it mattered what other people thought. So much so that I didn’t leave my abusive first husband because I thought it would bring shame on my family. Unthinkable today except in some ethnic minority communities.

Tricky one. Very strong minded, able and independent Even as a child, always worked in care one way or another.
However can’t help be a pleaser and it really annoys me about myself.
I’m sure there’s more to this.

Thank you Norah. After 23 years he left me though and by that time being divorced didn't carry the stigma it did years ago, though I was still very aware that there was no instance of it in my father’s rather snooty family. My parents were just glad to see me happy again.

Yes, but its slowly changing because I'm just out of an abusive marriage of 11 years, and looking back realised how I'd got drawn in and let it continue.

Never too late, but very much "work in progress".

Despite my Dad actually saying, "it only matters with the people who you respect" there was a strong aspect of judgementalism in my childhood - about some lovely people who didn't agree with their politics. Breaking away, I expected to be judged harshly. Now I understand why my parents were as they were: time brings understanding.

I am a people pleaser but couldn't care less about what the neighbours think. I think they are different things really.

I always like to say yes to people if they ask for help and I will do anything humanly possible for my children.

But, I never consider the neighbours or anyone else when making decisions. It ruled my mum's life but my father didn't care. I suspect I am like him.

I was certainly brought up thinking that it mattered ‘what the neighbours thought’.

And it still does matter to me, to a certain extent. Is that because I still live in the same locality, and go back a long way with many people?

But I’ve never suffered with ‘keeping up with the Jones’. It matters not a jot to me whether others have a newer car than me, whether they have a bigger house, or go on fancier holidays.

Just the opinion of others about me, myself I suppose.

Grannybags

Yes definitely. I wish I wasn't. I want people to like me even if I don't like them!

Me too!

...and Kate1949 Oh and I'm constantly worrying that I have done something to upset/offend people.

Me too, too!

I lived in a small tight community and was brought up by my mother to be aware of what the extended family and the neighbours thought. I always wanted to escape.
I suffered at work because I could never say no and always gave in.
When I eventually stopped and learned to say no I think I gained respect, especially from my mother and colleagues.
Luckily I have never converted what others have and am more than happy with what I have. That certainly comes from my father.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I'm very much a people pleaser, unfortunately. Throughout my life, I've put other people first, myself last. Occasionally, the habit has got me into the most awful situations.

My husband is similar, thankfully, (the first one was quite the other way), but it does lead to a lot of "what do you want to do?", "no, what do you want to do?" conversations!

I am, but realising as I get older that people just take advantage at times. I'm the one who arranges the lunches, theatre trips, etc with my friends or I don't think we would ever go out.

Yes - to avoid arguments!! Not a good thing at times.

Nope! Neither of my parents worried very much about what the neighbours thought. It had to be something of the order of my sister "having to get married" for them to try to hide the fact.

We were brought up to believe it was quite all right to say no to those importuning for favours as long as we did so politely.

Oh yes - daft ain't it when half the time 'people' don't notice. And I 'hang back' - Mum used to say 'people are looking' as though that was the worst thing that could happen. How times change.

I think the term 'people pleaser' is too wide ranging. Being a doormat is one thing, but being brought up to be considerate of others (as I was) is no bad thing. That's not 'people pleasing', it's just being thoughtful of others and good manners. If there was a bit more of that in today's society, rather than the sense of entitlement and 'I'll do what I want' displayed so often, we'd all be a lot happier.

DB and I were discussing this a few days ago. We were brought up to always put other people first, always take the smallest piece of anything offered and so on. Strangely enough DB is now super confident in any situation whereas I'm the opposite and find it difficult to say 'no' to anybody. Often finding myself going somewhere or other I really don't want to go to with someone I don't even much like.

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To be honest, I have never really cared what people not in my immediate radius, think about me.
Other peoples opinion of me doesn’t really matter, and is, in fact, none of my business…..