The other side of Kindness.

Yes that not kindness. I loathe loathe the whole be kind nonsense, it often means shut up as doodle says, and in my experienced is used mostly by people who are anything but kind.

The person who plays the role of a Rescuer often find themselves confused because they are as experienced as being a Persecutor. It’s such a shame as often they have good intentions and aren’t intending to control. They don’t see what they are doing is rushing to fix something the other person doesn’t think is broken I’m a life long introvert, quite shy, happy in my own company and thoroughly dislike large groups. Sadly other folk can misinterpret this as me being lonely and try to fix me. When it happens I smile and say something like ‘that doesn’t work for me’ and quickly change the subject. If they persist I’m more direct which can have them muttering what a dreadful person I am. That goes straight over me, it’s just their pattern being played out.

Op

Your friend is not kind, she is the wolf in sheep's clothing - she is controlling and a bully

It is much harder to call someone out if they feign kindness and goodwill

Just tell her your friendship is not working and you won't see her anymore

I bet it is not the first time she has experienced that in her life

Some people need to be fixing others to give themselves a boost I think. I keep well away - if they are only interesting in finding my problems... It's not really friendship is it?

Very simple. Just tell her you are the sort of person who enjoys your own company, and particularly your privacy.
You must be very firm in turning down invites from her, and eventually she will get the message. If you intermittently accept her invites you will never get rid of her.
Just smile say thanks but no thanks.

Erm... I'd tell her straight out that it is annoyng me (I have done so, yes!) so that she won't keep trying. Lots of people tell you to dye your hair, lose weight, go jogging, become vegetarian, not wear certain colours, go to Bingo... as if they have a right to run your life, like we are Project A or Exhibit B. It's not on; I tell them where to get off. If you lose their 'friendship' - well, then, they were never friends.

This sounds like my mother 🤣 I’ve always been a mistake that needed rectifying evidently 🤣

To be 'kind' you do it in your actions and words to people you know and don't know. You can hurt people with your tongue....just saying

Coconut

This sounds like my mother 🤣 I’ve always been a mistake that needed rectifying evidently 🤣

Ooh ditto Coconut…
As my Mum was in her nineties and ailing fast, tho she had never been a ‘touchy feebly’ Mum ( - born in 1908 and had to cope alone with her sister and often absent father who was a Sea Captain), I decided I must tell her I loved her before she died… she replied “ Yes, but you’ve always been a naughty girl” !
Ho hum!

Interesting point made by Doodledog about the post Caroline Flint suicide, the 'Be Kind' movement. It did seem to mean being gentle, non bullying, non critical of each other. But, being a push over, allowing people to make you do what you don't want to do isn't 'being kind' it is being manipulated. Being kind is telling a friend, gently, that you really appreciate her efforts to get you out and about, but actually you do enjoy your own company.

When I worked I never went on work nights out.When asked why I always replied because I am an unsociable sod!

What an interesting thread - lots of great advice. I wholeheartedly agree tho you should simply tell her you don’t wish to participate in whatever she suggests. Be kind to her as I believe she truly feels she is the best person to help you! She’s not aware of the impact of her behaviour. Must be firm and simply say no thank you.

I've had one person mutter, ’Poor thing, you must be terribly depressed’ when I said thanks but no thanks to an offer. Umm, no. I do suffer from a few health conditions but depression is not one one the list- currently. I just prefer to use my limited energies on my young children and on my hobbies, alone, which sadly didn't suit her narrative of saving the recluse.

suelld

Coconut

This sounds like my mother 🤣 I’ve always been a mistake that needed rectifying evidently 🤣

Ooh ditto Coconut…
As my Mum was in her nineties and ailing fast, tho she had never been a ‘touchy feebly’ Mum ( - born in 1908 and had to cope alone with her sister and often absent father who was a Sea Captain), I decided I must tell her I loved her before she died… she replied “ Yes, but you’ve always been a naughty girl” !
Ho hum!

more fun though hey suelld

My Father said that being helpful to someone is doing what they need - not what you think they need. That surely applies to kindness too; it's offering what a person needs and only for as long as they need it, not swamping them and trying to run their lives.

"Evil is wrought by want of thought -as well as by want of heart"

LRavenscroft I think what's being described here is not being treated with kindness. It's being patronised. Google dictionary says "Patronise: treat in a way that is apparently kind or helpful but that betrays a feeling of superiority." Hopefully, your patronising 'friend' will get fed up and look for another victim!

Fully understand. I don’t mesh well with pushy people myself. I think it’s great you’ve begun to distance yourself. Some people cannot help but to dictate the way they want others to act, speak, think etc. Sometimes it’s unconscious sometimes it’s not. Either way, people are who they are so it’s up to us as individuals to decide whether or not continuing the relationship is more of a benefit than not. Just don’t expect them to change.

It's so hard to mix honesty with kindness when trying to tackle a neighbour or friend who behaves in this way.

You could try starting with a positive " I really enjoyed the tea and cakes we had at the garden centre you took me to. Maybe we could go again in June when I'll be looking for some new plants" "Thank you for the suggestion about that kitchen gadget to buy - I've found it really useful" or whatever.
Following it up with setting boundaries is harder and we don't always know what issues/unhappiness may have made someone behave in that bossy way.
" I appreciate your offers of afternoon tea/ tidying tips for the house but I'm really quite settled now and have a routine which suits me. I know we're all different, but I'm quite happy just going out once every few months/having my garden the way it is/ I've got the house organised the way I like it/ I've worked out how to deal with problem I had with the insurance..... I'm happiest finding my own way to do things, but if I'm looking for advice about anything I think you might have expertise in, I can always ask you. I'll get in touch mid May to arrange a trip to the garden centre." or something along those lines?
Good luck

I have just had to deal with a " friend " like this because she just wouldn't leave me alone. Constantly barraging me with requests to meet or for me to provide lifts , lend her money.
She always has plans for " us " and tries to interfere in everything I do . She lives very near and I feel under constant observation.
She also makes nasty remarks about DH( she's a divorced lady ) and , at one time it felt like she wanted me all to herself.
She then moved church to join mine and invegled her way into our home group so I have to see her at least twice weekly , often in my own home .
Every time I tried to not interact she keeps fawning over me , asking what she had done wrong, sending cards , buying small,gifts ..... and, if I foolishly gave in and met with her ,then she was twice as " attentive .
Eventually, after a worrying time with my daughter's health, I felt too drained and broken to interact.
Cue messages, whatapps, cards etc etc .
I have not replied. She has taken her hurt to our church leaders so I am now the bad guy.
The funniest bit is , she ( and her daughter) have now " blocked " me from Facebook . I find this hilarious as it delighted me. Hopefully she'll have got the hint !

I had a MiL who was domineering and bossy and spent the first five years of knowing me telling me what I ought to be doing and how it should be done.

I was entirely different to her and she didn't understand me (and in truth I didn't understand her). I just smiled, agreed I was a lost cause, calmly said 'No thank you' to most of what she offered and carried on being me. Eventually she backed off, calmed down and we spent the next twenty years with an unspoken truce, trying to be friends. It all depends on whether this lady is someone you are interested in enough to try to break the pattern. If not, just tell her you don't appreciate her trying to run your life. It might be all it takes to get rid of her.

I actually agree with Foxie48 post, well said foxie

Giving excuses can make it sound as if you feel you’re missing out, hence the repeated offers to entertain you! I’ve heard people say ‘Remember NO is a completely sentence’ - if someone asks you if you’re available !to do something with them, JUST SAY NO is the motto!

I second foxie48’s comment. Concise and correct about the friend.

Without worrying if you’re being or sounding selfish just know that your peace of mind, your inner sanctum needs to be taken care and protected. You’re still going to be a kind, good girl by firmly saying no to her invites.

A very interesting read. I can always count on you ladies providing thought provoking dialogue.
Cheers!
USA Gundy

reminds me of a character from a barbara pym novel; a church woman who went about doing good, and you could tell who were those to whom she did good by the haunted looks on their faces.