The other side of Kindness.

Thank you all so much for your lovely comments and really good advice. Gransnetters really are fantastic with their different perspectives and it gives one a lift as as problem aired is a problem shared.

NotSpaghetti

I think it's not an all-or-nothing situation but you are not being honest with her.

You say: I am slowly making up excuses not to meet with her anymore which are usually vague like 'Sorry I can't make it that day' etc.

Why don't you say (with a smile) "Oh no, that's not me at all, so sorry, - I love pottering about in my home/garden"
Or
"It's so nice to meet up now and again for afternoon tea but unfortunately I'm not keen on doing any more social/get togethes jyst now thank you"
Or
"I know you are being very thoughtful in trying to include me in your social activities but I really enjoy doing my 'own thing' so much I'd generally be happiest on my own."

You could maybe say you have no interest in going out just now but would like to meet her for coffee one day next month.

I'd practice a few phrases if you like her company sometimes and strive to get the message across better.

You were obviously open at first but have become overwhelmed. I think you must say "no" but not give an excuse - jusr tell her firmly but nicely that you prefer it that way. You feel better for having lots of time on your own. Be firm. Laugh about it - say it's just how you feel.

I avoided years of after-work "jollies" by saying, with a smile "I know you think it's odd but I'd really rather just go home" or similar. I'd always wish my colleagues a happy evening and they would sometimes say "we're doing x next week - and know it's probably not your thing but let us know if you change your mind."

I hope you resolve this.

NotSpaghetti, that is very helpful, thank you. I am keeping these suggestions.

I do hope you can just get a bit more frank with this person. I often think people just don't understand what others need if they aren't told directly.
Things said with a laugh and a smile are often easier to swallow than those said sharply.
Good luck.

I try to be kind in my own way by sharing posts on FB for local jobs, missing people, found items, lost pets, flats vacant etc to help others. I have a huge extended family and 3 DC and 3 DGC that I see quite regularly and they stay here regularly in the school holidays as we live on the coast. My friends would never tell me what to do nor would I try to tell them what to do unless asked for an opinion.
I couldn't be friends with someone who tried to rule my life with constant suggestions of what I should do and say like the OP. I think I would nip it in the bud with a quick abrupt reply such as "Thanks but I'm happy with the way I'm dressing, saying things, cleaning etc etc"
To stop daily visits just arrange a day once a week or so and when they leave say see you next Friday or whatever day suits you.

Being fussed over can be overwhelming when you need space. Expecting a grown adult to conform to their expectations can be draining. Intelligence comes in all forms, emotional intelligence is needed in these situations. Being gentle in approach, such as I’m here if you need anything. It then shows you genuinely want to help and will go at their pace. As pack animals company can help but only if wanted