Cheating Hubby

Say nothing unless you’re 100% certain but ignore advice to keep quiet if you do know.

Ever heard of the saying "shooting the messenger" tickingbird? So far OP has only "a gut instinct" which may turn out to be correct, maybe not. Even if it does turn out that the son in law is a lying, cheating ratbag, would you really want to be the one to take your "evidence" to your daughter and present it to her? Do you think she'd thank you? Why put yourself in the middle of someone else's marital problems? Hard as it is to stand by and watch it all unfold, keep out of it and just be ready to support her IF she needs you. Nobody likes a meddler.

The title of this thread suggests you have already made your mind up about your son-in-law. How have you gathered your information about his habits at home?
If your daughter has told you then she may well have grounds for suspicion, but you would be foolish to mention your 'gut instinct' or even your own observations.
There may be several reasons why he chooses to spend time away from his wife and you could be surprised.
Avoid getting involved and try to maintain impartiality.

A contemporary of mine had a disastrous marriage; her mother hired a private detective to confirm her worst suspicions, but the daughter never forgave her. She was doing everything to rescue her marriage but her mother's action plus her subsequent boastful gossip blew it wide open for all to see and humiliated her.

Thank you to ALL your replies. I don't come on here that much but its very helpful to hear how others would deal with a tricky situation.

Have nice Easter

I know one should keep out, but if it was me, I'd be tempted to have a quiet word with him, along the lines of "Everything OK between you and Daphne? I thought I sensed some tension, maybe it's just my imagination..." Just firing a warning shot across his bows..... If my husband was still alive and this had happened to our daughter, I know for a fact he would have the son-in-law up against a wall, with a very stern warning involving some seriously graphic images.....

Evie’s, I would say nothing and be there for your daughter should she need you.

Why do you call your son in law hubby?

It is very weird and inappropriate

that's all very gun ho, but first of all its still"suspicions' and how will it help the daughter if a FiL does this and nothing going on? - or DD - does not see matters in the same way?
could well be the end of a long family relationship and and marriage that has not yet proved to have problems. don't assume the DD would accept her Dad doing that. The O/P could lose her DD.

Hithere

Why do you call your son in law hubby
It is very weird and inappropriate

What a strange, overbearing comment. Nothing to do with you what the OP calls her SIL and hardly inappropriate.

Hithere

Why do you call your son in law hubby?

It is very weird and inappropriate

The OP is obviously referring in the title to a cheating “hubby”, not calling her son-in-law “hubby”.

EvieJ, I'd say that your daughter's marriage is entirely her own business - and not yours. Just be available and supportive but don't draw any conclusions from his strange (to you) behaviour.

Why not do something supportive for them both?. If they have children offer to take them for a weekend while they have some time together, or buy them a couples spa treatment somewhere. He may or may not be cheating but it sounds as if they definitely aren't spending time together. Doing so may help them or it may just bring things out in the open. If they do spilt up you'll know that you tried your best to help.
I don't think telling your daughter would really do anything but give her something to worry about.

Why do you call your son in law hubby?
It is very weird and inappropriate

Give over Hithere, it's perfectly obvious from all her posts that the OP is referring to her daughter's husband, not her own. It's "weird and inappropriate" that you thought it appropriate to call her out on it though.

Hubby is an affectionate term from wife to husband in the US - this is where my comment comes from

If anybody called my husband hubby, I would raise an eyebrow

It would be nice if anybody would question why a comment was written vs going for the jugular

hithere It would have been nice if, before accusing the OP of being "weird and inappropriate" you'd first checked if it was usual in the UK to refer to a son in law as hubby vs "going for the jugular". That way several posters wouldn't have pulled you up on it. Goes both ways.

To me (living in Ireland) hubby is just short for husband. It doesn't have any affectionate connotations. If the title of the post had been "cheating husband" the meaning would be exactly the same.

As an aside, I hate the word 'hubby'!

As you were!

Hubby and the even worse Hubs are in my mind terms of affection. No ever says my bastard ex-hubby do they?

No

That's a high level of emotional investment in your daughters marriage

Your job is to listen and support, certainly not to throw fuel on the fire.

There could be all sorts of reasons he is struggling and needing time and space out of the house, depression being one. Leave them ro sort through things, your daughter would need to work things out for herself.

Throwing the idea of cheating in could absolutely destroy their marriage and if you are wrong, you will be to blame and your relationship will be damaged too

It's a very difficult one that, although it does sound as though your daughter already has her suspicions if it is her that told you about the 'fishing' and the 2 hours to buy lunch etc? Sounds as though he is making any excuse to go out, and I would be VERY wary of him, especially if his phone were to be on his person 24/7 etc ... having been there and had that gut instinct, I was right and he got his marching orders! I did find out afterwards that a friend caught him in MY house with a woman who he said was his secretary, whilst I was lying on a theatre table having spinal surgery! I did feel rather miffed that she hadn't told me sooner ....

If you say something without proof then it could cause more issues but if you don't say anything then she could feel rather betrayed, and feel really embarrassed that she hadn't noticed?

👍 kittylester!

If you're still checking this thread evieJ, can't you speak to him? Ask him about the fishing.

Personally I’d have a word with him first and if it is true then I would say that he has to tell your daughter as you’d be the one accused of causing trouble! Just be there for her if it is true.

One of my dd's split from her partner awhile back- then almost immediately he took up with a 'new' woman & a ready-made family- im convinced he was seeing her before the split but no real proof- i mentioned my opinion to my other dd- & she wasnt sure but we both kept it to ourselves! Still not said anything to her sister.& she's now happy with a new man.

Riverwalk-😂🤣

100% I’d ask my dd if she felt her husbands behaviour is odd. I couldn’t and wouldn’t let it go. I wouldn’t suggest he’s cheating but I’d bring it to her attention incase she hasn’t noticed it if she’s busy mum. There could be a whole host of things going on gambling, chat rooms, porn sites to say the least. Trust me I’m talking from experience don’t let it pass but don’t accuse him of cheating just mention odd behaviour then let her pick it up from there. Good luck