Cheating Hubby

kittylester

As an aside, I hate the word 'hubby'!

As you were!

Hubster is even worse too!

If and when you have sufficient proof you should still not breathe a word to your daughter, but mention to your son-in-law that you have reason to believe he is having an affair. Ask him if his wife knows and is all right with it.

He will probably ask you to mind your own business, to which you can reply that your daughter's happiness may not exactly be your business, but certainly concerns you.

Then change the subject.

If you daughter later berates you for not having told her what was going on, you are justified in saying that you asked her husband what the situation was, but that you honestly did not think she would believe you if you went to her and told her he was carrying on with NN, but would be furious and offended.

I would have been if my mother had made such an accusation against my husband, would you not habe been?

My SIL was emotionally involved with another woman and it was so obvious, it hurt. However, my daughter made it very obvious that she wasn't going to challenge him because she didn't want to break up her marriage. It took a friend of hers to challenge him about how disrespectful he was being and he went home to moan to his wife about her friend! My daughter very quietly affirmed that she thought the same as her friend and said that she wasn't prepared to accept that behaviour any more. It was the wake up call he needed. It didn't need me to be involved at all, it just needed my daughter to find her voice in her own time with the help of her friend who she obviously felt comfortable discussing her fears.

Maybe she just never leaves him alone in peace in the office to get anything done? So he's going 'fishing' to get away? But the thing with the woman at the door is a bit odd?But im sure if your dd has any suspicions of her own she will sort it if she gets suspicious enough.

Proof, or it didn't happen. How badly are you looking for proof? Did they find anything on the CCTV? Why didn't the daughter go with him to the 'accident' scene? What's stopping him from playing games at home? Has daughter ever taken him a snack in the shed-office? Can she ask to go fishing, just once, to see what it's like? Does he buy lunch only for himself? etc etc etc...

I think those immediately saying no are being too simplistic. If you have strong suspicions and she later learns you had them, she will be very hurt. I think saying to her “is everything alright” or “he is away from you a lot” is being straight. He may not be cheating but he is avoiding her and being hurtful and she may be afraid to recognise it. I worked with couples for decades and relationships are complex but being able to trust your impressions and using them calmly is part of healthy relating

My husband was cheating on me 30 years ago. ‘Everybody’ knew about it, but agreed not to tell me unless I asked. When he finally confessed, I realised that deep down I had known all along, but would not have appreciated being told. However, once it was out in the open, I had tremendous support from family and friends.

Keep out of it, but be ready to pick up the pieces if necessary. I do hope everything works out for your daughter.

I very rarely comment just enjoy reading but having had a cheating husband. If you are right I am sure your daughter also has a ‘hunch’ as you say. It’s a very personal and extremely difficult situation for your daughter. I would say a definite “no” to the question just bide your time if you are right she will need your support and will be grateful for it but not until.

No I wouldn’t say anything. It’s down to them if they having probs to sort out their marriage just be there if it all goes wrong

Why hasn’t anyone suggested that once you get absolute proof of what he’s up to you tackle HIM about it and that he should come clean and tell your daughter.

At first I thought it could be stress related about the cost of living or too much work. The husband may not be playing away ( it could be a male or female) but it could be that he is trying ways not to spend time at home. It could be that the marriage is over all but in name. Let the pair of them deal with this matter in their own way. Just be there if your daughter needs you but maybe she has a life outside of the marriage too?

Definitely keep your feeling to yourself until you have proof from more than one source. My daughter's ex was seen in local pubs by friends of mine, and he wasn't alone. However, it was only once he had been seen by a friend of my daughter that the pieces began to fall into place. It turned out that he had been seeing this woman before he married my daughter, and continued seeing her during his marriage to my daughter. I would wait a while. It took us two years. He ruined my daughter's career, and from the beginning his lovely new wife was physically abusive towards his daughter who now has serious issues. My daughter and granddaughter are slowly getting their lives back on track.

Not at all, mind your own business, you could cause mayhem.

If you have suspicions, you can bet she has too. She may ask you, in which case tell her how you feel. Otherwise stay schtum.

My OH told me my BFFs husband was having an affair. I decided to say nothing as I was hoping it was just a fling and they would be ok. My BFF found out and met someone else herself. She was going to leave her husband but he broke down crying begging her not to go. They decided to have a new life in the North of England and moved several hundred miles.
It worked out well and are still together today, do everything together now and are very happy.
I acted surprised when she told me he was having an affair as I didn't want her to think I knew and didn't tell her. That seems worse to me.
Sometimes when people think that their marriage is going to end it jolts them into realising how much it really means to them. I'm really glad I didn't interfere, but was supportive to my friend when she did find out.
Say nothing OP until your daughter tells you she's found out he is having an affair. Don't criticise him or you may be alienated if they get back together. xxx

I had many suspicions about my husband’s behaviour with a colleague. When I confronted him he went into a rage and took to gaslighting me. In the end the woman phoned the house and asked to speak to him. He had liar’s eyes and I just knew. He admitted it and I started divorce proceedings. Afterwards my sister-in-law told me that my mother, who had died by then confided that she was certain he was having an affair, but she said nothing to me. And would I have believed her before my own suspicions were aroused? Keep quiet, even though it’s really upsetting you.

With proof definitely, my mum told me I didn't believe her ,she was right

I was blissfully unaware of my husband’s affair. Maybe I was too scared to know. The gossip mill was in full gear but I was the last to know. TBH I wish someone would have passed me some hints - perhaps we could have worked things out. But the fact remains , you can’t force someone to love you.
The majority on here have advised you not to say anything, but I am in the other camp.

my ex husband was cheating and I blocked out the evidence. He was also emotionally abusive - and it would have helped me if anyone had commented on this - you lose all sense that you can trust your own judgement. One person did comment and it was like a life line.

When you KNOW, yes. Zip it until you do.

Just a thought
Many couples now have open marriages, are poly, swinger, etc.

Just a thought. Many couples now have open marriages, are poly, swinger, etc.

Except the OP says

a strange woman knocked at their door, saying she'd had crash, and would they made if she checked their CCTV. He went with her to her car, to check it. My daughter told me, it didn't seem right, she felt something wasn't right about it

Which doesn't sound much like her daughter's marriage is open to poly, swingers or extra marital relationships.

It is a general comment, not applying to this couple

Even relatives may not know of internal agreements between a couple

I have had experience of this issue. In my case, I inadvertently discovered proof that my daughter's partner had been unfaithful, and in a very risky way. Their two children were very young at the time. He was a good Father. After taking some advice, I decided to wait. I could possibly have been accused of being a liar by him, and my daughter relied on his help. It was torture for me to keep this secret but some time later he left her anyway. I was enormously relieved when he did. I don't think anyone should be too emphatic in what they say. I had strong instincts all along that this man was not truthful, before I discovered proof.
All I can say is, keep vigilant, it's possible you're right. But then you have to weigh up the consequences, which could include both your daughter and her partner denying what you say.

I think i would have a quiet word with the son in law